Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[pearlharbr]

You already know you shouldn't have sent him that text. It opens the door for stuff like this.

Stop trying to analyze everything. Stay dark and live your life.

[courts0818]

Yeah, I sent the text bc I was hurting and so was DD.

Anyway, about his invite to the casino - I passed.

[elscotto]

Because he wants his cake and to eat it too. I doesn't want to give up the comfortable family life and doesn't want to give up his freedom. This is a guy's take on this. He needs to understand the full ramifications of his actions and choices and it sounds like you need to move forward and GAL--think about it either way you win if you make your own life for yourself. If it works out with hubby ultimately then you are still a better person for it and if it doesn't you are a better person.

Hang in there. It gets better. It has to. You will still have good and bad days. The game plan is to have fewer and fewer bad days with less frequency. Work out--exercise. It will be tough for you.

Thanks
Scott

[courts0818]

Scott, you are right. I'm sure he likes having the best of both worlds - family time when it's conveient for him and also the freedom to do whatever he wants. And by not taking action, I'm enabling this crap to contiune.

He does need to understand the full ramificiations of his choices. He can't have the best of both worlds any longer.

I am a work in progress, but I'm trying. I've stopped contacting him unless it has something to do with only 2 things -money & DD. Yet, he finds a way to contact me almost daily - a text to ask if I'm working, if DD & I have plans, what I wrote a check for, etc... He needs to commit to me or leave me alone.

And I was really taken back by the invite to the casino. He hasn't invited me to anything for months and months. I'm not sure where that came from and it doesn't matter. I've decided that he was just throwing me some leftover crumbs...as always.

I get paid tomorrow and hope to have enough for the $250 to see a new lawyer.

[pearlharbr]

Just because he contacts you doesn't mean you have to respond. And even when he's asking a question that should be answered doesn't mean you have to respond right away. He's no longer your priority so get back to him when you have time. You're busy GAL, right?

[elscotto]

Courts, I am seeing the same behavior from the OM that my ex is involved with. I talk to the OM's ex a LOT and she says he is always sending her useless crap, questions, etc...He went BALLISTIC when she referred to herself as a single Mom and insisted she was not a single mom because they had a Dad. She told him that he was correct in that they DID have a Dad all the time and still DO have a Dad around 1/4 of the time but that she as still a single Mom.

The interesting thing is that he still wants to do things as a "family." I was talking to my mother about this and this behavior and she was pretty convinced that my Ex has a BIG problem on her hands and that he has not bought into the fact that he just gave up his family life in return for custody 1 week a month. That's a sobering thought--let's do the math shall we? You have a 5 year old that for the next 13 years until reaching the age of majority will have 676 months of living. Out of those 676 months a lot will happen. You are the Walk Away Dad and you just agreed to forgo 507 of those months for the privilege of a woman that you have known romantically for a very short period of time. You get to keep 169 months of seeing them grow up out of 676 months--seems pretty powerful.

My ex and I split custody and I've never said it to her but there is a 50-50 shot that something notable will happen in their lives when they are not living under her roof. 50-50 odds are good in the game of baseball but not what I would want with my kids.

You have a tremendous power over your H and the more you GAL the more that power grows. Stay with it, stay strong, take control, and keep control of your destiny and choose the one thats best for you based on a set of conditions you have created for yourself.

Good luck--you seem solid though.

[courts0818]

I haven’t posted for awhile…DD and I have been sick & I’ve been working more hours. But…I need advice. My H finally admitted to having an affair last night. I don’t know any details; I just know he finally stopped lying about it and finally acknowledge it. It tore me apart. I guess I really knew the truth before he admitted it, but somewhere deep down I just didn’t want to believe it.

Before our conversation last night, I had been giving serious thought to seeing a new lawyer and confronting H – telling him he needs to make the choice or I’m making it for us. I know which lawyer I want to see, I just haven’t had the appt. yet – but I did do the research and found out who others recommend.

Since the start of the year, things have been going better and H was acting like he might actually want to move back home and make changes. He was spending more time at home and just seemed more interested in us. Things were far from perfect, but there were good things going on. But now I’m so confused. He told me last night about his unfaithfulness around 7:00pm (in a text…yes in a text…but that’s bc I wanted answers and I didn’t care if it was in a text or in person). It might seem ridiculous that I wanted to hear him admit it, especially after all of the evidence I already had – but personally, it was just something I needed to hear. I had to hear it from him.

So now that he’s admitted it, where do we go from here? Now I’m the one that doesn’t know what I want. I feel totally betrayed and sick about everything – all of the lies, all of the time wasted, the pain he’s caused and so on.

I turned my phone off last night and he’s been texting me – asking if there is no chance for reconciliation or for him to move back home, that he just wants an answer from me, etc. He’s sent me about 6 texts and I have ignored them.

He’s coming over tonight to see DD, what do I do?

[Greek]

Why now? Did she dump him?
Greek

[rr22]

Tell him it will take you weeks to process and deal with this information. In no way should you even suggest any decision on your part to him tonight. Nor is he owed a quick one. Sorry you are going through this.

[courts0818]

Greek, no idea. I didn't get any details. He just confirmed he cheated. I don't know anything else.

I'm absolutely dreading seeing him. How can I look at him tonight? I think when he gets here, I will leave. If he aks me questions or tries to get me to talk, I guess I will just say, "I need time to process and deal with this info." IDK...I really want to cuss him out and beat the $hit out of him.