WEll you are doing the right thing. YOu are right, you cannot fix him. I totally understand the urge to get them to face their issues BECAUSE THEIR ISSUES ARE AFFECTING US. But that is where differentiation becomes so important. Yes we love them, but frankly it's affecting us and that is all we have control over - our feelings.
You cannot get him to be more forthright in therapy. To the contrary, the more you push, the less he will take initiative on his own to confront his depression. His statement "Are you going to leave me" is a perfect metaphor. He wants you to fix him.
Let him deal or not with his own issues. It's the only way he truly will change - when he comes to it himself. Meanwhile, we have to work on you not going so up and down with him.
There has to be a way for you to be in a safe nurturing mental bubble in which you can remind yourself that no matter what H is going through, you have to keep up your own strength. You have to help yourself feel better.
I totally understand this. I was not able to separate myself from my H's moods - his is anger - and it would determine my emotional state. WHat am I saying - it still happens. But no matter what they do - go, stay, feel good, feel upset - we need to keep ourselves feeling good.
It's the hardest thing in the world to do when we are moms, wives, women. We care for other people. We connect. We feel their pain. This is not a bad thing. But we have to pull back enough for the ones we love to feel their own pain so they can make the decisions to get their own lives on track.
How can you separate emotionally? How can you start to back off and let him cope with his own issues? How can you lift yourself up emotionally when he is down?
The good news is he's not blaming you and threatening S. Now you have to let him continue down that path - YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. He needs to look at what is inside him to find the answers.
And you, you must start meeting your own needs. H is not in a place right now to meet your needs, however valid they are! Yes, it sucks. Yes, it's not fair! But you must take care of you!
