I wish there was a way for me to tell. H is now under his own phone plan and doesn't live at home- no bill comes to the house and I cannot access his account unless I have his phone present. UGH. I am a great PI...but even a great PI cannot work under these conditions.
And again..he works with her. In the past, I shoved a digital recorder in his lunch bag and sent him to work...that is how I learned he was lying to me. I don't have access to TAP him again....and not really sure he would fall for it again..but then again ;-) I am not proud of tapping my H- but it was necessary and the $30 recorder was such a great investment. I still cannot believe he never saw it!! anyway... when he said he wanted to come home..he offered to wear the recorder all day at work...I told him that was ridiculous.
I guess I am trying to time things right. I know I need a transparency plan..I need to let him know what I expect from my H and my M..I just think the timing is very important right now. Maybe this is completely wrong..but I want him to come up with some of the answers on his own... I don't want to have to tell him that I expect my H to be faithful (god)..I want whatever he does to be his idea...so that I don't feel like I am giving him a checklist and he is just going through the motions to appease me.
I know that it is important for me to tell him what my needs are...but I guess right now I want to see what he is made of. Not what I am making him into.
The only thing that is very important right now is that OW is out of the pic. I cannot start any kind of piecing without this in place. Or do you think I should just go for the jugular and lay everything on the table up front like Pearl suggests?
Pearl- when I cancelled MC the other day over text message...he texted me back saying he was on board and wanted to start. I told him I didnt want to start this week..I wasn't ready..he said "well I want you to be ready..so let's wait until next week".
I know that it is important for me to tell him what my needs are...but I guess right now I want to see what he is made of. Not what I am making him into.
Lola I think this is very important. I am new to all this so maybe Puppy and Pearl can help. There is no rush here. No rush to make sure he's not seeing OW. No rush to go to MC. No rush to see if your M is back on track.
Make the focus on you. His trying to drag you in because he feels guilty or to see if you're still in is B.S. You're in control here. So you detach for a while. You go to IC. You figure out you. If he tries to pressure you back into this "are we on or off" discussion tell him you need space. Tell him you're taking time for yourself.
You shouldn't have to have assurances he's not seeing OW. When you (and H if he decides to show up independent of you) get to the right place you won't need assurances. He hasn't shown up yet except a lame text. That's what I see. I see a conditional commitment from H to work only if you respond or take charge.
Sit back and see what happens. I think it will be immensely telling how he responds to it.
My W did the same thing over the weekend. I hear nothing and then "I was thinking about you hope you had a nice weekend." I didn't answer till monday afternoon.
Bottom line take time FOR YOU.
Grit
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Oh yeah forgot one part. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering about OW. (I know) Gotta take that power back and detach. The only way to handle it and control your thoughts. That's his crazy mess let him have it for a while without you.
Grit
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I think there's a difference between giving him a checklist of items to cross off and what your expectations are regarding your M. If you tell him your expectations/wants/needs then it's up to him to figure out how to meet them. At the same time you're not expecting him to mind read and figure out what you're looking for.
Like I said before, I made it clear that we would not even speak (and we didn't) unless/until OW was completely out of the picture. I said I would not be the one he was cheating with (when he first said he wanted another chance he was still seeing OW). That way he can't keep both of you on the hook until he decides what he wants.
If/when you decide you want to go to MC with H, you can still tell him you're ready and leave it up to him to make the appts. That's a big deal for me because I'm always the planner and responsible for things like that. In this case I want BF to be the one to make the arrangements in order to be responsible for some of the repair process.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I think there's a difference between giving him a checklist of items to cross off and what your expectations are regarding your M. If you tell him your expectations/wants/needs then it's up to him to figure out how to meet them. At the same time you're not expecting him to mind read and figure out what you're looking for.
Like I said before, I made it clear that we would not even speak (and we didn't) unless/until OW was completely out of the picture. I said I would not be the one he was cheating with (when he first said he wanted another chance he was still seeing OW). That way he can't keep both of you on the hook until he decides what he wants.
If/when you decide you want to go to MC with H, you can still tell him you're ready and leave it up to him to make the appts. That's a big deal for me because I'm always the planner and responsible for things like that. In this case I want BF to be the one to make the arrangements in order to be responsible for some of the repair process.
I got a text awhile ago from H asking if I could get tickets to some event via my company. I sent him a text saying "b4 going any further, I need you to show me phone records from after you ended it with OW". He responded "agreed. working on it now"
OK- step 1..check (not going to get him tix..by the way)
Do we discuss these additional expectations with a MC? or are these issues that should be discussed outside of MC? before going to MC? My expectations are what any other W would want from a H..a commitment to our vows. It feels silly even bringing them up...it isn't like he didnt know what they were or he forgot..he chose to ignore them!!
I know that the OW tried to contact him 2 days after he ended it with her- she sent him a text asking if he was OK. He told me that he didn't respond. I am going to be looking at this invoice with my hands over my eyes...afraid to look. I really hope he is finally done with the lies...and this crazy R.
I am curious to see what format I am getting this invoice in. My H is technically challenged...has a hard time opening up documents in word sometimes..I cannot imagine that he will be able to fudge anything. I am the techie. This is a new account for him...so he may not realize he can actually print the bill from online...he hasn't had a bill under his name in 10 years.. sad I know. I am anxiously waiting for it. If it comes with an attachment of explanations...I am in trouble.
OK- got it via email. Legit. One text message from OW like he told me last week. I am not going to get too excited...but I am pretty excited. Do I thank him?? feels weird...not really sure what to say.
