Now, I'm not saying your H was addicted to anything. What I am saying is...obviously, he had some issues, as we all do. Instead of working them out with you and working on the M, your h sought to make himself feel better through OW. It doesn't work though...which is why so many a's don't last. No one can make someone else happy. No one can make someone else feel secure in themselves or feel worthwhile. It has to come from within.
This is what db'ing is all about. Us learning to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and improve ourselves...and it becoming attractive and yes, by God, contagious.
Ag -- Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my queries! It helped a lot. also, thanks for reminding me that sometimes we sabotage our love relationships when we feel as though we don't deserve them...that's actually been a not infrequent theme with h over our years
I remain worried that I just don't have the skills to do this right...to keep this moving forward...or maybe it isn't so much the "skills" but the "awareness". Sometimes I get so caught up in my own fears and resulting expectations and ASSumptions that I can't see that darned forest!
Oh, well, you guys keep me honest and when I get out of the cheeseless tunnel I do find that I am often able to discrern what's happening.
I met h at school last night and we went out for drinks and dinner. Came home pretty early and watched TV. Positives from yesterday include multiple loving (!!) phone calls, him being so eager and happy to see me last night, and good convos about school (his) and work (mine).
I have to go do my flybaby assignment so I'll catch up with everyone later but I did want to post something that I read....it relates to h's statements that I still don't seem happy sometimes and my frustration with that.
The book it's from is "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.
" Sometimes people with our trait [being highly sensitive] are said to be less happy or less capable of happiness. Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated everything is -- not black-and-white thoughts at all. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. And we certainly don't get any happier having them tell us we are unhappy (by their definition of happy) and that we are a problem for them because we seem unhappy. All those accusations could make anyone unhappy."
Woohoo!!!! I am not crazy and neither is h!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Rest of weekend WAS great...though h is quite sick. It gave us a chance to slow down, regroup, hang out together.
Positives abound...
1. h let me take care of him in his illness...making him tea, dinner, etc. At one point yesterday I asked him "am I babying you?" and he responded "I love it!". Cool.
2. h told me on Saturday that I touch his soul.
3. We had some great "hey we're relaxing" conversations -- h read me some stuff from a book, etc. Nice to just hang with him.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I must say that if CJ were on campus with his school, (as opposed to online) it WOULD raise many more fears for me.
Which in a way is paradoxical as BOTH of his A's began as on-line chat pals!
Now there ARE women in his online courses and they are part of his team work...interestingly he seldomly mentions them...I hear most about "mountain jack" who is quite a character.
I just chocked it up to the women being rather boring, but perhaps he's trying to NOT raise my suspicions? No problem, I don't sense anything amiss there.
Gee Sage, does it come down to that issue of BASIC TRUST that was always more present for me (childhood experiences) and less so for you and many others here?
Can parenting BE a more important job??? And yet you need more training and a licence to drive a car.
Well it's all words until my CJ gets backt to the real work world. I DID have a heart clench when he mentioned taking back the cell phone once his consulting work gets underway (many months off, but still!! )
Shiny
P.S. I've never seen anything you write NOT make sense!
Are you ready for another wonderful day? I'm sure it will be wonderful!
Hey question, did you ever notice if you felt anything in your head when you meditate?
I had been lapse here lately but did the Calm Waters again this morning, I really like that one I wish it played better. I still can't get A Moment of Calm to load. I clicked on it and did my exercise and fed the dogs and it just hangs at 39%
I haven't really poked around on either of the sites you gave me, but can you sign up or something and access more meditations?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I told my husband the other morning that after we built up lots of positives, that I wanted to talk about where things went wrong and come up with a plan for the future.
He heard me, but immediately launched into a list of positives...we laid down tile in the kitchen...etc.
Then I came back on your thread and read what LL (?) said about looking back while moving forward will trip you up.
Makes sense to me.
There is a Tarot card, I think it's the 3 of cups. It shows a cloaked figure looking forlonly at the cup spilled in front of them, ignoring the 2 cups still standing behind them.
If only the cloaked person would turn around and focus on those 2 cups!
Oy...
In any case, great stuff!
Thank you for your thoughtful posts and thank you to everyone for the responses!
Let's see if THIS post survives...last one is in freaking cyberspace!
I read over my first three threads last night (Ok, I skimmed them! Even I'm not that diligent!). Wow. What a difference a year can make (well...an almost year!). I'm behaving differently, h is behaving differently, our R. is completely different...pats on the back to ALL!
1. h called early! I really love it when I hear from him soon after he gets up...don't know why exactly...I guess it just makes me feel as though he's been thinking of me.
2. h left me a newsletter of his days activities (we both had school last night). It's been a while since he's done that so it was super cool to read it!
3. In the newsletter, h gave me special thanks for my support...particularly over the last few days of his illness.
4. h told me last night "I love you so much" and reminded me that we needed to have a "special date" tonight. AWESOME!
5. h listened to me rant yet again about my job. He was really supportive and didn't seem at all stressed by my conversation.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I must say that if CJ were on campus with his school, (as opposed to online) it WOULD raise many more fears for me.
Which in a way is paradoxical as BOTH of his A's began as on-line chat pals!
It's weird...most of the time I'm really fine with all this. I mean "sage shocks herself by how NOT freaked out she is" fine. He was gone all day Sat. and I just didn't even feel a twinge. Not one.
But I freak myself out sometimes...and it's all focused on fears of what COULD happen and it's nearly all centered around that AWFUL time of knowing that something was going on and having h lie to me over and over and over again. So I get myself wrapped up in...oh, what if he falls in love with her and starts distancing himself from me and starts acting angry and I feel powerless again and ...
and it obviously just resonates that ow started as a ff and progressed to an ea through "alone time" and "chats" and "IM'ing" and "email". I just can't see striking up a personal and non-shared 1-on-1 r. with a guy so I get stuck here sometimes. I just want to hear from h that he understands that a confidential r. with another w. may leave him vulnerable...us vulnerable. Or, maybe he just doesn't believe that...maybe it's not true. Maybe the only thing that makes "us" vulnerable is the crud that was going on in our m. at the time ow made her appearance. Ah, who the heck knows????
Can you say horrendous cheeseless tunnel filled with goo?
I can!
Quote: Well it's all words until my CJ gets backt to the real work world. I DID have a heart clench when he mentioned taking back the cell phone once his consulting work gets underway (many months off, but still!! )
well...I can understand the heart clench...but you'll deal with it just fine when it happens...and we'll give you maps to get out of the tunnels!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Darn I bet I just am not doing a good job of reading them.
Actually Sage I think it sounds like you are doing excellent!
I think untill that stuff is further behind you, and covered with all the good stuff happening now it is going to from time to time rear its ugly head!
But I am totally confident in your ability to stomp it when it does!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
