I am doing better today. Yesterday, after I posted last, I called H. I listened and validated. And, at the same time kept my own self dialogue going about reminding myself these are HIS issues. This seemed to make a huge difference for him. H then took our S out for lunch and made an attempt to connect with him on a more positive level. I think that helped too.
He is seeing his IC regularly, but I really have to wonder how honest he is being with her. So far, he has refused to even consider AD meds. He takes St. John's wort and vitamins, but that is as far as he will go. But, I wonder if his IC knew he spirals like this if she would insist he consider meds. I am going to explore with him how honest he is being with her.
But... this leads me to my ongoing issue about "fixing" and "rescuing". I get stuck with trying to figure out how much to leave him to sort all of this out, while being supportive... vs. getting involved in helping because this affects me too.
This morning he decided to stay in bed and not go to work because he is "not feeling well". I think it is the depression. It is extremely unusual for him to miss work. Before I left for work, I gave him a kiss while lying in bed and he grabbed my hand and said "Are you going to leave me?" I teased him that I'm just going to work and he said it again.
I can't be his caretaker. I am barely able to take care of me right now, not to mention the kids, my job, the financial stress etc.
This is harder than I ever imagined.
Today, I am just breathing, using grounding techniques I learned in IC and trying to take care of me.
