You should have not responded so quickly. And I personally wouldn't respond to the second one, or -- I would wait several hours -- and then reply with a chirpy "Sorry -- just saw this! Busy day. I'm doing surprisingly well, thanks!"
Ditto what Puppy said. Don't respond right away and when you do it's because you've been busy GAL. Don't respond to every communication either. If you want him to pursue you then don't be so available so he has to pursue you.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I am opting to not respond. Him reaching out the way he did is kind of lame. Let's see if he has something better to offer...because this isn't going to cut it. This doesn't sound like a man committed to reconciling or becoming a better man. Patience.
I want to ask him if he has spoken to the OW but I won't...I don't think the timing is right. If all goes well with the MC tonight..I will make an appt for me and H to go next week.
Do you think before even going to MC with him...would it be ok to ask him about the OW? would it be ok to ask to see phone records? I don't want to even start MC with him if he is still talking to OW..and I want to make it clear from the start. Any ideas of how I can do this tactfully..without sounding like cop/mom..or sounding like a threat.
"Without going into detail, I will know soon enough if you're lying to me, so please tell me the truth -- I think I deserve that much. Are you still in contact with her?"
Chances are still way over 50/50 that he'll lie to you, but a "yes" will tell you a helluva more than a "no" will, and you may just get the "yes." Other than maybe Saddam Hussein, who for some sick reason seemed to WANT the world to think he had WMDs, I can't think of any reason why a cheating spouse would lie and ADMIT to contacting their affair partner. They'll lie the other way around -- DENYING it -- but rarely will they lie in this direction.
Do you really have NO independent way to verify it? If you don't, this is the only way I can think of -- to bluff that you do. Maybe he'll blink.
This is why I suggested telling him what you want out of a H and M and see what he does to become that man and create that M. I don't think it's being controlling or parental, you're simply stating how you envision your life.
After I told BF this and he insisted that he could be that person for me and we could have that R I did tell him what I needed before agreeing to move forward. I insisted on no contact, a NC letter, a transparency plan that included access to all his accounts, and guidance to work through our issues. He came up with the book plan instead of a counselor but agreed to be responsible for finding and making any counseling appts if I decided that it was necessary. He also decided to call me from his office every night before leaving so I would know that he was at work and coming straight home.
If you want to go to counseling now, great. I thought you were going to let him take the lead on MC. If that's the case then stand back and let him do it.
In my case there was no way I would even consider working on the R unless/until BF was prepared to do everything I thought necessary to work on it.
And I refused to even have this conversation until he was finished with OW. When he said he was no longer in contact with her and I caught them together I went dark again.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
