Last night I went to a office function and one of the ladies who sat next to me as hitting on me. What a confidence booster that was. I came home later on and was happy and chirpy with my W. Todl her it was a good time and she continued to read her book.
This morning, just before she left for work, I mentioned to her that as the kids are off for march break next week, I was thinking of taking them to a museum. She was at first taken back because she was working most of next week except Thursday and Friday, and she felt that I am not inviting her. She mentioned she would like to go if I made it on those days. I said sure.
As she was leaving I told her to smile today and that she will be fine. I was at a distance so that I wasnt intimidated or anything. so, is it nice, or the "nice guy syndrom" again..
Nope -- I think that's fine. EXCELLENT, in fact. You didn't invite her, you LED, and initiated the outing with your children, and when SHE brought it up, you told her she was welcome to come. That's perfect.
I agree Maynard. But as I told her to smile and the "she" will be fine. I am working on my confidence and not worried if she takes it the worng or right way at this point. I was being happy when I said it..
By the way, I know how you feel about the being in denial comment. I got that too. Its the pits, but we apparently doent listen very well either.
Per Rob, go the opposit direction.
Be happy with your life, life is a precious thing to waste. You can't make her be happy and you can't make her agree with you, those are things that are under her control, you worry about things that are under your control.
I'm glad we got the "hard ass" discussion out of the way last night, we can focus on situation updates and positive reinforcement where necessary.
I'd like to add one more perspective from a woman. I agree with Rob above - that was LEADERSHIP in your family. Women look for leadership, respect, kindness, protection and love in men. Forget the "bad boy" thing... I don't know where that came from! Its the traits the show confidence in yourself and your ability to lead your family that we like most. That's what women are attracted to. The whole "Nice Guy" stigma seems to have been confused in previous posts - male and female interpretations of what that means. Go figure.... Us ladies typically see the above traits as someone being a "Nice Guy" ... you guys typically see the walk all over me, I would do anything for you just don't leave me behaviors as "Nice Guy"..
From a woman's perspective... might I add a leadership oriented, assertive, aggressive woman - listen to these gentlemen! They are not steering you wrong! You are making great strides and you should be proud of yourself for that!!
T
Last edited by talia; 03/11/1002:38 PM.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Women look for leadership, respect, kindness, protection and love in men.
wow. you summed this up so nicely for me--this is what was lacking in my marriage, and led to my resentment and inability to function sexually. he bailed on me a couple of times when I truly needed his protection and support, and I was just unable to get past that, partly because he not only had no remorse about it, he sometimes denied that he ran out. more and more pieces of the puzzle are falling into place in my postmortem examination! and that's important to me.
not that it matters--but the OW gets respect, kindness, and love from xH. the protection and leadership he doesn't have the capacity to provide. and she is a strong, dominant personality. this will be interesting.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Funny extra thought about the leadership/protection stuff...
Us Ladies WANT to do this for ourselves as much as possible.. but we need to KNOW that we can get it from H if we need to... So for you Gentlemen - its not so much showing it all the time - its making us feel secure in knowing its there by showing it when necessary... ala CG's post about her H at the airport...
We are terribly confusing creatures....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I know this because I have spent most of my life being independent (even when married) and being the one who handled the difficult things, who did home repair, who did the financial and emotional supporting, who was essentially the protector. And I was never terribly happy in that role--it was by default. And I had this expectation of myself that this is what women do (my mom did it with her useless boyfriend), and that it's part of the responsibility that comes along with being a woman in the 20th century. I also told myself it was a tradeoff for a relationship with a "sensitive" man who understood feelings and processes (but refused to use it for the benefit of our relationship!) But I found it pretty much impossible to "have it all" while my H was out doing enjoyable things and buying himself expensive toys while I tried to make ends meet. He just didn't "do" money. He also didn't do any kind of protection--bailing physically or emotionally when life was tough or painful. I was willing to carry my share of the load, but I was taking it all on--and hating myself for being unable to shrug off the persistent resentment I felt. Did we talk about this? heck yeah. but nothing ever changed.
I know I keep going on and on, but a light just went off in my head, and I just got to know myself better. It's not a weakness to want to be not only loved, but protected and--sometimes--led. And resentment is a natural consequence of consistently stating needs and finding they're unimportant to one's partner.
Sorry for the hijack!! but thanks for the lightbulb moment.
Last edited by hoosiermama; 03/11/1004:25 PM.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I'd like to add one more perspective from a woman. I agree with Rob above - that was LEADERSHIP in your family. Women look for leadership, respect, kindness, protection and love in men. Forget the "bad boy" thing... I don't know where that came from! Its the traits the show confidence in yourself and your ability to lead your family that we like most.
From a woman's perspective... might I add a leadership oriented, assertive, aggressive woman -
Ditto what Talia writes.
"Bad boys" are for weak women who won't draw boundaries. "Nice Guys" tend not to draw boundaries for the strong (and vocal) women they are married to.
A man can be a strong, decisive, NICE ... without being run over by a woman who won't trust him to take proper care.
The strong women I know are attracted to men who listen, partner, take care of business, respect themselves and lead.
Couldn't resist chiming in on this one. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
It's not a weakness to want to be not only loved, but protected and--sometimes--led. And resentment is a natural consequence of consistently stating needs and finding they're unimportant to one's partner.
Agree completely. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
