One--you can change and move threads around. I can't figure that out.
Two--your list of what you learned and achieved in SIX months. I promptly began to beat myself up because I don't think I have accomplished any of that! OK, I did lose 30 pounds, but that wasn't due to any effort on my part. Yes, I am a petty enough person to be JEALOUS of a fellow DB'er making such good progress in her life!
I copied and printed out your list, and I am going to bring it to my next C session. I may be further along than I realize--my C may be able to give me some perspective. So realize you are an inspiration to others on these boards!
RE: your date. Everything you described sounds totally normal. I went on one date to play pool. Fine time, not a guy I found myself particularly interested in, went home and sobbed.
Tried again with another guy. Nice walk in the park, nice guy, sobbed. Now this guy and I have had several "dates" and it has been good practice in chatting, learning to relax, open up. No more sobbing.
Went with a guy friend to town meeting to look like I had a suitor in front of X. Some actual potential chemistry there. A fling would be the perfect thing.
These three stage took-- 5? months? So, time, time, time.
I want to learn about this "labeling feelings" thing.
I hope your cold gets better soon! Zinc! and Vit C!
HI Aver! THANK YOU for the compliment. Its nice to know that my ramblings help! Its been a long road and I've worked VERY hard to get here. I'm glad its paying off - for me and others!
Please Please Please don't beat yourself up. Each one of us handles these sitches differently. Anytime you want to compare just remember... I've had MASSIVE amounts of therapy!! I went 2X a week for 3 months, 1X a week for 2 months and have been going every other week only for the last month. Sometimes early on I went 3X a week. I've put in the time and the effort to be here... and the $ for that matter! THATS what I determined was going to be the thing I needed to help me with my PMA and my overall mental health. You need to decide what that will be for you - its different for all of us. I had major mental health issues I needed to resolve in addition to dealing with the death of my marriage. This is a grieving process and everyone grieves differently. There is no "right" way, no "right" time line. Cut yourself some slack!!! I've done NOTHING but work my job and focus on ME. NOTHING but that for 6 months. I'll run down the list of things I've read in a separate post. I've been obsessed with "dealing" with my issues as expediently as possible. That's how I chose to deal with this sitch. You don't have to be like me to be successful!
I posted this on Minfull's thread (?) to you too and I'm going to post it here. Self Confidence is what you need to work on. Nothing else. YOU HAVE it all - but you lack the confidence to see it in yourself. You are stronger than you think - we all are deep down - and I think (IMHO - I'm by no means a professional) THAT'S the main issue with you. Courage is being scared to death... but doing it anyway. You have shown that you have courage! I think the part you are missing is confidence! Perhaps THAT should be something you focus on in counseling... not how you measure up to my goals. My goals are mine - you need to decide what YOUR goals are and how you measure up to them! Not that they can't be some of the same goals/achievements... but they should be on the list because they are important to you... not because someone else has accomplished them. (I'm still totally flattered though!)
Deep down, at the end of the day, despite everything, I'm so HAPPY and GRATEFUL for the wonderful life I DO have... I'm confident - I truly believe - that everything happens for a reason and the right things, the things I need in my life, will be there for me when I need them. Even though I can't see them, or see how they will appear, or even see how its not totally impossible, I STILL have FAITH the right things will come. I believe that if I live my life, everyday, being the best person I can be, things can't help but go my way! ... YOU need to find that point of faith/belief in you - however you do that - religion, therapy, whatever it is - you need to find it. When you do - that's the point where you realize you can do anything - alone - and not feel alone or awkward. You are totally comfortable and confident in yourself and your own skin.
This is my own personal opinion and personal take on life... and its my thread.. so I can post whatever I want ... So take it FWIW... I'm done rambling now....
I get all philosophical when I take cold medicine....
T
Last edited by talia; 03/11/1003:21 PM.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Books 5 Love Languages Hope For the Separated How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together When A Mate Wants Out Your Husbands Mid Life Crisis Crisis at 30 (I think this was the title - on womens MLC's) Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps Desperate Marriages - Moving Towards Hope and Healing Love Must Be Tough Hurt People Hurt People How to Stay Lovers for Life
How Can I forgive You - Currently Reading Art of Seduction - Currently Reading Not Just Friends - Next on the list to read
CD learning stuff: Light His Fire/ Light Your Fire series
EBooks Break Free from the Affair Magic of Making Up
Currently on my "next" list: The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands. Boundaries Mating In Captivity
These are just the books relevant to my relationship issues... I am typically reading 2-3 books at a time... some self development and some fun... just to balance....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I think my problem has been, that while I have been incredibly busy and GAL--it has all been a blind panicked run. So while everyone says I am "strong" I have been putting off dealing with all the feelings as much as possible. Except for when, of course, I do the towel sob and the neighbors come over.
So, I truly know that I have mostly avoided the work on me that I need to do...anxiety, panic, busy busy busy are all great ways to avoid "Feelings" yuck.
I will take your list to my C and make her make me stop running around and deal.
I have NOT made it thru a single book...no, that's not true. I read 5 LL, Love Must Be Tough, DR and DB, of course. One book about understanding affairs, which gave me the heartbreaking knowledge of "exit affair."
Well, thanks for your support. I will go post on my thread now.
Looking forward to hearing about your movie date and other exciting things!
I had a job interview today! One that would be perfect for me and help me get back on my feet. Everyone HOPE and PRAY I get it - the income would mean not working two jobs anymore and NO roommate unless I wanted one!!! It would also mean benefits and sick time - which I haven't had in years because I've been self employed. I really didn't like the idea of going back to a job, but now that I'm here, it would be nice to do one I like!!! Here's hoping and praying ....
H sent an email today - going over some of the same bill/finances stuff that he's emailed about before. Clearly its life of death if he dosen't have a minute by minute update on how I'm progessing with our taxes! I'll respond next week when I have them done. Nothing super important... but he clearly feels the need to engage me every Thursday like clockwork. He sent me a text message telling me - yet again - to call him if I had any questions. It seems he is set on getting me to call him. The email talked about the issue he wanted me to call him about last week - so clearly he managed to answer that question on his own! I don't get it. Still no mention of actually filing for D -which is really all I care about. Either file - or go to counseling and start working on you..... Seems so simple....
Part of me just REALLY wants this to be over.... and part of me feels like its just not DONE yet. Like WE aren't done yet - Like I'm missing something in all this... I'm just sick of waiting... I might have reached the end of my patience! I'm sick of the limbo, sick of being celibate, sick of the uncertainty, sick of feeling bogged down by a crazy person... ALL OF IT.
At the same time.... I'm not ready to just go and file myself yet.. I fear I may need to soon - just to get myself some peace....
Oh how I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what's ahead!!!
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Its nice to know that my ramblings help! Its been a long road and I've worked VERY hard to get here. I'm glad its paying off - for me and others!
I went 2X a week for 3 months, 1X a week for 2 months and have been going every other week only for the last month. Sometimes early on I went 3X a week. I've put in the time and the effort to be here... and the $ for that matter! 
THATS what I determined was going to be the thing I needed to help me with my PMA and my overall mental health. You need to decide what that will be for you - its different for all of us. I had major mental health issues I needed to resolve in addition to dealing with the death of my marriage. This is a grieving process and everyone grieves differently. There is no "right" way, no "right" time line. Cut yourself some slack!!! I've done NOTHING but work my job and focus on ME. NOTHING but that for 6 months. I'll run down the list of things I've read in a separate post. I've been obsessed with "dealing" with my issues as expediently as possible. That's how I chose to deal with this sitch. You don't have to be like me to be successful!
... So take it FWIW... I'm done rambling now....