No longer sitting on the fence

[newmama]

Hi, M3! I like reading how you are getting your H to talk about things other than the kids...I'm picking up some pointers!

Just wanted to congratulate you on keeping your emotions in check, and wanted to know if your techniques would be different if he was having an A? If not, then it doesn't matter.

[motherof3]

Hi, M3! I like reading how you are getting your H to talk about things other than the kids...I'm picking up some pointers!

At times I don’t feel like I am making much progress, but am still trying.

Just wanted to congratulate you on keeping your emotions in check, and wanted to know if your techniques would be different if he was having an A? If not, then it doesn't matter.

That question is something I asked myself yesterday. All my adult life my stance has always been any type of A would be a deal breaker for me. I could never understand how/why someone would even consider an A when married. Well, until you walk in the LBS I guess you really don’t know how you would respond to this. There are so many different dynamics that come into play. Anyway, in light of the recent developments my goal has still not changed. I still want to try and save my M. The way I see it an A is just one more hurdle that I need to overcome.

[motherof3]

The past week, H and I have been exchanging emails and phone conversations mostly about the kids. Sometimes I would initiate the contact but also vice versa. Occasionally H would ask me how I am doing, but I feel that he was only asking as a courtesy. More like asking to be polite, rather than really wanting to know the answer. In our conversations I have been upbeat and cheerful. I have been trying to get a more in depth conversation going by asking more personal yet non-invasive questions; questions that didn’t have anything to do with the kids. H would always answer, but never in detail.

The other day H had emailed to ask how S6 was feeling. (S6 had stayed home from school the day before.) H also stated that he now wasn’t feeling well.

I replied that S6 was doing much better; that he had bounced out of bed…yada, yada….I am sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well.

I continue on describing a funny story about S4. (Since the separation I would have never shared this type of info with him.)

I also tell H that S6 has been bugging me about taking him to Chuck E Cheese’s sometime soon. (This outing is a reward for S6 for achieving certain things at school and home.) In my email I let H know that I was thinking about taking the kids sometime this weekend. Then I go out on a limb. I ask H if he is interested in meeting us there. That way the parent to kid ratio would be 2:3 and I would be able to spend some ‘quality’ Chuck E Cheese time with S4 as well.

H's reply: “Appreciate the offer and have heard him (S6) talking about it but I am gone this weekend and traveling on business early next week. We can do it next weekend if S6 is willing to wait. Just keep me posted. Otherwise, you can take S4 one of my weekend days next week if you are interested in having 1 on 1 time.”

Initially I was upset to hear that H was going out of town. I immediately wanted to know the details. Where was he going? Who with? Does this mean OW? But I didn’t ask. I haven’t responded to his email yet.

What to do? Do I go ahead and take the kids this weekend without H? Do I wait until next weekend? I definitely plan on taking him up on the offer to spend some alone time with S4. S4 definitely needs the attention.

Overall, in the last week the correspondence with H has been neutral or maybe even a little positive. IDK. At the very least, we are communicating on some level.

I have another DB coaching session setup for Saturday. It will be interesting to hear what Lori will have to say.

[flowmom]

happy_again (a former WAH/MLC) wrote that being included in family activities was really meaningful to him during his separation (they reconciled). It sounds like it was to your H too.

[Gardener]

mo3,

I wrap up the conversation by thanking him for sending me the articles and that I will take a look at them.

End of conversation.

Not bad I guess. This is the longest conversation I have had with H since before Thanksgiving. There were a great deal of 180’s on my end as the last several months I have not made it very easy for H to want to have a conversation with me. H and I will need to have additional conversations to firm up the counseling plans but I want to check out a couple of therapist recommendations first. In the meantime, I plan on taking a look at the links H sent to me.

Excellent mo3. This was so good to read, You had a plan, stuck with it and got a long, amicable discussion about an issue. Don't make assumptions about him blaming S4's behavior on your mothering. Let that roll off your back. Don't take it personally. Comments like that are about him and reveal him, not you.

I'd consider interviewing plenty of C's until I found someone whose approach I liked, etc. (the usual) bit also one who places value on Family Counseling, i.e., having both parents present for some if not all sessions.

Good luck.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Mo3,

HUGS!

I only read your post on the DB coach and phone call with H. My 2 cents. We have a therapist for our kids. I think it is good. He is also one to address concerns about parenting styles with. My X and I alternate bringing the kids.

"Parenting with love and logic" is an excellent book. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

Hugs again....

[flowmom]

So, what are your DB relationship goals?

[motherof3]

I should have know you would ask.

What I learned in my DB coaching session may help you as well. I don't have time to update right now, but will try and do so tonight.

[flowmom]

How's DBing going?

[Marked&Healed]

I've been following your thread. I'm also wondering what your goals are. It seems that so much of DBing has to do with GAL and TIME - waiting is the killer. Just wanted to throw in my support and prayers.