Flowmom, not okay to say "it's unlikely that our marriage is salveable!" you wouldn't be on DIVORCE BUSTING forum if that is the case!
I had a rough day, lots of signs pointing toward WH thinking of future as divorce. BUT he didn't bring up divorce talk and wanting to move forward with the D. My point is that your H hasn't either.
It is comforting to know both of our Hs love their kids and would take care of them well and it sounds like both of us will be able to have a positive co-parenting relationship IF divorce happens. But it hasn't happened yet!
Hey- congrats on your H cracking a joke! And for you for deciding to accept the visitation schedule temporarily and seeing what happens and asking H to revisit. I will remember this when/if my WH wants to change!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I feel worried about my children, but I also feel some peace about letting go and trying this. Especially because the alternative is a fight, and I don't have a fight in me right now. I feel so much responsibility as a parent, but my children have TWO parents and the responsibility isn't all on my shoulders. This is a 180 for me.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
BUT he didn't bring up divorce talk and wanting to move forward with the D. My point is that your H hasn't either.
He did last night. He talked about his work buddies and how he's learned a lot from the divorced guys, esp what NOT to do (the ones who have behaved really badly). There were also indirect references to being divorced without using the word D.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Oh, I guess I consider divorce talk to mean "We need to proceed with the divorce." "We need to set up a meeting with the mediator to start the divorce." "We have to talk about the divorce." "I want a divorce." "You need to accept that we are divorcing" etc.
I think your H was testing your response with the roundabout references(whether he wants to divorce tomorrow or not),
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
AGree with NM. Sounds like he's been testing you quite a bit lately. Don't take the bait. The fat lady has not sung until the D is finalized. EVen if served with D papers, which you haven't been, there's a loooooooooooooooooong time before it's finalized to work on stuff.
You did an amazing job not fighting and obviously your H reacted positively. I"m so proud of you.
FM, I agree with the gals here - don't borrow trouble. My H ranted about D, D, D!!! For the first two months after he left. I asked him, in Nov, to wait until Jan so I could get through the holiday's without one more thing on my plate. He agreed. Its now March and he's dragging his feet......
Your H might be vocalizing that as much to get himself OK with the idea as to test you.
Remember... Believe NOTHING they say and HALF of what they do....
GREAT Job handling this!! WIN for you!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Your H joking with you is a positive baby step. So now that this has been accomplished, what is the next goal?
I don't know. It's so strange setting goals in this situation, and strange that I'm meeting them.
These are goals that have happened at least once:
1. H has a relaxed expression when he greets me
2. H smiles at me
3. H makes a joke
These are other ones that I had, but they may be too much for short-term:
4. H comments on any change that I've made
5. H mentions the future in a way that indicates uncertainty (not as if the D is a done deal)
6. H touches me in any way
7. H initiates any activity that would involve us being together as a family
--
ideas for goals that would be more in the 1-2 week range?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Something else that surprised me. When H pushed for more overnights the other night, I had mentioned that it was hard for me that I hadn't even see where my children were staying and it felt wierd. Last night he offered to have me over so that I could see his apartment. I thanked him.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
