How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[4luv]

we cross posted Allen but once again you are right. I do feel good when husband calls and bad or worried when he doesn't. IT is VERY UNHEALTHY. I am going to get a new number. I think that is a good idea. Husband will still have my work cell number as I cannot change that number easily but I don't keep that cell on all the time.

I am just thinking back...I got all bent out of shape because husband didn't call me for two days after contacting me everyday since I moved out. He was testing my resolve and I let it get to me. Very unhealthy for my mood to depend on what someone else is doing...wow! Really eye-opener for me. No one should have that type of control over me...

[Allen A]

You take your control back when you do protection phase, that's why its called protection, it protects you and you chidlren from disspaointment and manipulation...

It's a good place to be, its just hard putting yourself there.. its essentially divorce without the paperwork... so if your spouse DOES start to make the changes you set for them, you can go back anytime... again no paperwork.

[4luv]

"The boundaries are that he needs to

1. Start seeing someone about his sociopathy.
2. End ALL affairs ongoing
3. Commit to No Contact with OW - child or otherwise, he can arrange a supervised visit if thsi really matters to him
4. Attend family thereapy

That is a lot of work on his plate right there...

You put that in a letter, you email him the letter, you put your parents in the loop. The lettr is for him, you and your parents... you put that sucker in writing and send it, its giong to have a LOT more impact on YOU as well as him... and your parents will see that you are growing up and putting yoruself and your son first.

You change your cell number... you change your email account, you change all your contact info.

You give your H your father's email and tell him anything he has to say goes there.

And he's out until he starts to do some work on his part. Sincere work."

Working on this now Allen. The changing my number is easy. I am concerned because knowing my husband he will just use my NC letter as a challenge to dig his heels in deeper on his current stance. Again like a game. I am better off with no contact now and yes I will turn off my phone. I am going to use my mom's cell phone and give her my cell phone. Husband doesn't have her number. Hopefully my mom won't answer if he calls and she won't text him back because she doesn't know how to text :-)

[Allen A]

You can give your cell to your dad, I think when your Dad picks up he will likley just hang up.

Let your H think its a game..

There is a follow up letter that you can send, I willl write something out

It is basicaly telling him this game is one where the whole family wins, or the whole family loses, and its his choice if he wants to help his family win or not

If he doesnt' do teh work, everyone loses.

[4luv]

Hi everybody...

Not much to report. I haven't been fully NC. I have talked to husband twice in the past two days for about 3 min total each call. I talked to husband for a quick second yesterday (wednesday) to discuss our taxes and son. I ignored husband's calls on Tuesday except for one which was to tell husband the date of the next FT appointment. (He claims he is coming into town for the appointment but I don't believe it until I see it...I don't think he is ready to get help yet.) He tried to ask me more questions about when I was going to come back to his state to get the rest of my things...told him that he can bring them when he comes to town again and if not I will make my own arrangements to pick up my things. Then he attempted to small talk but I got off the phone. I didn't mention him going on the "date" and I could tell that it threw him off. The rest of the day on Tuesday he kept calling but I ignored and followed Allen's advice to give my phone to my mom. Mom told me that husband was sending text messages (which I later saw). The last text said "I am unhappy." I didn't respond. I felt good all day Wednesday and had a fun day enjoying the day with my son and going to dinner with a friend later that night.

Yesterday when I talked to husband once last night. I made the call because I was in the process of doing our taxes. The conversation was rather cold and to the point but husband did make it a point to ask me how I was. I told him I was fine...then I remembered on someone's post to NEVER use the word fine to a WS. So I retracted and said "I am ok besides the fact that my family is apart." Husband says well no since in crying over spilled milk. I said I didn't mean it that way and then quickly went back to talking about things that son needed that husband is suppose to get. Then husband said that he was still trying to figure out why I said him going on a date was hurtful. I said because just last week he asked what we were doing while separated in regards to dating and I said "dating while married is cheating." He then said well I was asking what you were doing not saying that is what I was going to do. I didn't respond and told him that I had everything I needed to finish the taxes so I was going to go. He laughed and told me to stop trying to be hard. Then he asked if I had anything that I wanted to say...I told him no and that I needed to go and I hung up. He called right back, I answered, he asked another tax question which I didn't really need to answer so I hung up again.

Again even though I talked to him once yesterday I let him get under my skin. I guess I do need to send the NC email :-( Part of what is making this difficult is that my mom keeps telling me that I am playing games especially when I ignored all his calls on Tuesday. I just didn't want to be controlled by when husband was calling me. But I felt so much better when I am not worried about when he is calling me, etc. I went two full days of NC on Sat and Sun so I know I can do it but this feels like its turning into a game with no end in sight. When does NC end? Do I end it when I feel detached enough? And then what happens to in the mean time during NC?

[4luv]

BTW,

I am embarrassed by the screw up during yesterday's phone call and I started not to post it but I like to tell the entire story :-). I started to text him the tax questions and looking back I wish I would have. Its easier for me to side step questions I do not want to answer when they are in text. This is definitely a learning experience but I KNOW that I am having too many screw ups...

Just trying to beat it into my head! TALKING TO HUSBAND SCREWS THINGS UP! ONLY TALK TO HIM THROUGH TEXT!

[jasper67]

If at all!!!

[4luv]

Yes Maynard...

Just difficult to cut him off completely. How do I do it when we have a baby together? I mean, I am in the process of planning son's bday party also which I haven't involved husband in but he wants to help with the planning.

Believe me, I see the point of NC. It puts me at a healthy place. I have more peace. I feel free. But when do I end NC? It seems as my husband has taken even my few days of NC as (1)a opportunity to go off the deep end and date (2)as a point that I don't give a chit about him and that I have moved on. My parents feel I am playing a game (more so my mom than my dad). My dad thinks I should call him ONLY if I have a particular question (i.e. emergency for son).

[WhatNow]

(((4luv)))

It is very difficult! YOu already know, good things will come from it tho. One of those things is not wondering and worrying about what he is doing. It takes time, and even then thoughts will seep thru. Be patient with yourself. Follow your dad's advice. Let H deal with bday on his own.

H will say and do all kinds of things to jerk your string and suck you back in, test the waters, etc. You cannot predict that what you say and do is interpreted as you intended, NC sends the clearest msg. Did you send him a NC letter that clearly states your wish to stay in the marriage, and your boundaries?? It will help assure you that he knows where you stand and H can refer back to it.

[4luv]

I didn't send the NC letter. This is what I have been typing so far:

Dear Mr. 4luv,

I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.

Your recent dating and your past admitted affairs are so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as you have stopped dating and I can assure that the affairs are over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact.

In an emergency you can reach me through text. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances can be handled via text or email.

Sincerely,
4luv