I know this because I have spent most of my life being independent (even when married) and being the one who handled the difficult things, who did home repair, who did the financial and emotional supporting, who was essentially the protector. And I was never terribly happy in that role--it was by default. And I had this expectation of myself that this is what women do (my mom did it with her useless boyfriend), and that it's part of the responsibility that comes along with being a woman in the 20th century. I also told myself it was a tradeoff for a relationship with a "sensitive" man who understood feelings and processes (but refused to use it for the benefit of our relationship!) But I found it pretty much impossible to "have it all" while my H was out doing enjoyable things and buying himself expensive toys while I tried to make ends meet. He just didn't "do" money. He also didn't do any kind of protection--bailing physically or emotionally when life was tough or painful. I was willing to carry my share of the load, but I was taking it all on--and hating myself for being unable to shrug off the persistent resentment I felt. Did we talk about this? heck yeah. but nothing ever changed.
I know I keep going on and on, but a light just went off in my head, and I just got to know myself better. It's not a weakness to want to be not only loved, but protected and--sometimes--led. And resentment is a natural consequence of consistently stating needs and finding they're unimportant to one's partner.
Sorry for the hijack!! but thanks for the lightbulb moment.
Last edited by hoosiermama; 03/11/1004:25 PM.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
