I am doing my best each day to be still and listen. I remember when we waited three years to be able to move here. I prayed and waited and eventually God opened all the doors and made a way, it was then that I knew it was right.
This circumstance is a bit different and this is why I don't know what to do. God knows my heart and HE knows I want my H and us to be a family again, but that is not possible now, and I have accepted that.
My H is very ill as of late and it seems that he still looks to me for comfort and wants to call me and share immediately if he is on his way to the docs or whatever. Its hard as the W I want to take care of him and now all I can do is say Im sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better, let me know if I can help in anyway.. so robotical and non emotional responses. When inside I am loving him and wanting to wrap my arms around him, lay him down and rub his hair and face like he used to love and just love on him while he is so ill.
I believe he is getting sick and staying sick because of the stress, yesterday he even text me to pray for him and said you know its bad if I am asking that of you.
I wish I could go NC. This would be much better. Its hard seeing him everyday. When he decides he wants to bring dinner for everyone and we sit around and eat together like we once did as a family, he fell asleep last night on his chair as he isnt feeling well and I just found myself glancing over at him, remembering his sweet gentle nature ( THAT IS GONE) and I just prayed silently for him... :o(
I miss my H.
I'm working on myself. I go to counseling with my Pastor once a week, I go to Alanon once a week, I see another therapist about my childhood once a week, I read everynight, I am on these forums everyday (reading and learning), I have my time with God everyday, I pray all the time, I attend Church...
Sometimes I say, Look God, Im doing so well and getting so strong, please make my family right again,.... its the one thing that is missing, I have everything else.... but I KNOW HE is working on me being OKAY with only HIM and nothing else.....
