I had a text yesterday from my W asking me if I had received my D's offer for her secondary school. She has not contacted me for months so it was quite a surprise.
I told her the letter was here which I had opened. I opened it because she has had all her mail re-directed to her parents house, hurtfully, the reason this letter was not re-directed was because she was now using her maiden name.
I opened it without looking at the name. She responded by saying it was a childish thing to do as she needed to confirm with the school authorities that she was accepting the place. I was never even consulted on where my daughter was going to go, she made the decision without asking my opinion....as a father I should have been consulted, whatever she thinks of me.
I then received another text saying I had broken the law by opening her mail, and she would note it with her solicitor AND barrister. She then went on and said that I would blame mummy as I always do if things go wrong.
Would someone please tell me why there is still anger after all this time, and secondly should I respond to het texts?
I really do need some advice on this.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You stated that you want more say in your childrens lives, but have you seen a solicitor to find out what your rights are? Or the Citizens Advice Bureau if you can't afford the fees. She is not playing fair and she knows how to get her own way with you - in fact I would go so far as to say her communication is bullying. I'm not saying start a legal battle here but just start standing up for yourself - that means acting in a dignified way not starting to get into childish bickering.
I hope you have been keeping a record of all her correspondance? I would just ignore her text, it warrants no reponse. YOu have already explained the situation - remmeber you will never win with her in her state of mind at the moment. I would simply forward the letter onto her. And find out your rights in regards to your kids.
It is nice to hear from you again after all this time.
I agree about ignoring the text, this I have done. I had drafted a response, but my gut feeling told me not to send it. I always think there is a thin dividing line between dignity and standing up for oneself. I have real trouble deciding. If I do not respond I always think it looks weak. I ignore 99% of her texts as it resorts to text tennis. There is no respect at all from her, I just get treated like dirt, but I prefer to say I keep the moral high ground in not responding. How can I not look weak? How can I look strond or get some respect?
The texts bothers me though, because she then resorted to the attacks on me as she did months ago, her anger is still present. I am told she has OM, so I do not understand why she is still angry.
She has lied about where she currently resides, which is her parents home. She has broken the law by putting down the former marital home as our D's residence, which in itself is breaking the law.
I had my solicitor send a letter to my W noting that she must keep me in the loop in regard to my children. After the impending D I have to go to court again to apply for a Contact Order for my children.
J, why do you think this anger is still so strong seeing as it was her decision to D, OM in place, single life, income and childrens benefit etc?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Well, I'm not your wife and have only heard the sitch from your side but mainly it is guilt which turns into anger imo. She is a woman, she has broken up her family and she has to justify/ cope with her decision somehow. Remember she has to live with her childrens reactions etc and at some level deep down will feel a huge amount of guilt about that.
All this anger is about her not about you. You need to concentrate on what is best for you and your children and make sure that she adheres to including you in their life as much as the law will allow.
I don't think not responding is weak, I see it as stronger than engaging in her spew. It only reinforces her perception of you. Don't engage in it.
Please protect yourself Mark, document everything. She is not going to play fair imo and you need to be ready. What is important is you and your children.
It really helps to have advice, and I thank you dearly for it.
Nothing I do for the children is ever acknowledged, but then I do not expect or should expect anything anyway. I know my actions seem to be based around acceptance and approval from my W, who I know does not give one jot on how I am or feel. I find it hard to shake this feeling off, but it is because I still love my W even after all the things she has said and done.
I do question myself when I am attacked in this way. I wonder whether I am doing the right thing or not. This is because my confidence is so shot to pieces I feel every little decision I have to make is a major issue, and I need somebody to help me make a decision on the smallest things.
I am told I am dealing with the issues very well under the circumstances, but I don't know if my friends are just being supportive. Again, I cannot seem to take what is said at face value.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Just caught up on your sitch- I'm in the same boat but w/o kids...EVERYTHING you say goes for me- no communication, no opportunity to make things better- no chance.
Def do what you need to protect yourself- she is obv out for herself and will take out her feelings of guilt as anger on you.
Keep working on yourself, forget about OM- she's using him to feel better, while you're busy working on yourself and being a man of integrity.
Thanks for looking in and I appeciate your kind words.
I always get clarity when I come here, it is so good to have this support.
You're right, she is out for herself, even to the point where she does not to give me enough money when we sell the house for a decent residence for me and the children.
She is gone and is not coming back. She is outwardly beautiful, very smart and comes from a rich family. But underneath it all, she isn't a nice person so I am better off without her. Trouble is, this is like a rollercoaster ride - one minute up, next minute down. I miss her and the children to bits.
When we went to court last week I could not even look at her, I could not believe after 15 years and two lovely children, she acts like we are strangers without any past. She would treat a stranger better, I didn't want to make eye contact as it would have been really difficult to look at her. The new slim, trendy woman standing there would have been too much to bear.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I totally understand, I have felt the same on many occasions.
You have had the rug pulled from under your feet (to put it mildly ), you have been 'bombed' there is always going to a period of shellshock and then rebuilding. It is totally natural to be the way you are feeling at the moment.
I will say though that you need to stop thinking in victim mode. Why should you get acknowledgement for things you do for the kids? They are your kids. Do you/ did you thank her for the things she does? I'm not suggesting you start doing that btw... You need to stop looking to her for reassurance because you ain't going to get it.
Have an honest look in the mirror and work on yourself if needs be. For me, it was building up my self confidence again. I realised that the girl I saw in the mirror, the one that was pursuing, being walked over etc etc was the total opposite of the bubbly, confident person I really was and that was because all my focus was on my h not on the important person - me. The only person you can control is yourself. It is her problem if she is still spewing and her feelings are her responsibility, your feelings are yours.
I'm confused, what is it that you are doing that could be the wrong thing? Surely she is the one who is initiating divorce, having an affair etc.
I feel your exhaustion at all the decision making. Come on here if you need support. Start posting to other people and build a support network, it will really help and it will be the only way to build it up. It is daunting at first but it will help.
I think I am doing things wrong because sub-conciously I blame myself for what has happened.
There is not a hour that goes by that I re-collect an incident or situation where I think I should have done something different, and maybe things may have not come to this. I feel I have learnt alot about myself to be a better man and father, but I also realise I got lazy emotionally towards my wife, and always assumed she would be there.
In the last two days or so I have just started to realise signs -physically and in words said by her, signals that I did not see then. It has taken me 15 months to see these signs and I kick myself for not seeing them.
She certainly was not happy for at least 2 years, but she never said anything to suggest this was the case.
You're right J, I do feel mentally exhausted with the turmoil in my head regarding my wife, holding down a job as a contractor, divorce, children, selling the property.
Thank you for your support.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
It is fine to look back and recognise the mistakes of the past, learn from them for the future. Accept there is nothing you can do to go back and change them now. I used to call it 'beating myself with the blame stick' because I was just beating myself up and it did nothing other than make me feel like sh!t. I know what I won't be doing again, I'm guessing you do too.
There is responsibility on her too, she could have voiced her feelings not give subtle hints as us women tend to do. You are not a mind reader Mark.
Quote:
I feel I have learnt alot about myself to be a better man and father
This is what you have to hold onto. Learn to forgive yourself, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
), you have been 'bombed' there is always going to a period of shellshock and then rebuilding. It is totally natural to be the way you are feeling at the moment.