SOOOOOOOOOOO....an R talk last night (brief)....had lots and lots of positives, too.
I picked h up from the train. He was at his study group at school. Within a minute of being in the car he mentioned that 1 of the people didn't show up so it was just him and FF (positive -- h tells me this) and that this is the second time it has happened.
I do ok externally but internally I feel my heart constrict. Not good...but I sit with it.
We get home and I use my idea of earlier (formulated with LL's help) and decide to use mention of FF as a sign that I need to speak h's LL...I mention to him a coupon in the paper for a BBQ place and suggest that we go sometime soon (QT).
H is super responsive and positive to me...he asks about tonight -- will I meet him at school? We talk a bit about the weekend...he asks me a bunch about work and school. Positives, positives, positives.
I thank him for listening to my ranting about work this week. He says he is always happy to listen. BIG POSITIVE: He tells me that he could tell that something was bothering me and that he had been concerned that it was something he had done so that it had helped A LOT that I told him what was going on. Note to self: Letting h know what's upsetting me removes the worry and mystery. This is GOOD. I agree with him that this is a good thing and agree to do this in the future.
then we go to bed and I don't know, the sadness just caught up with me. I start crying...feeling really scared and sad...even start thinking to myself "listen, maybe this is just something that you can't do. it's ok to decide that the structure of this R. isn't working for you and to move on"...not in anger but just in the realization that my fears and anxieties feel like they're being rubbed raw right now.
Anyway...h asks me what's up. I take a deep breath and tell him that I'm feeling sad and scared. That his friendship with ff is bringing up a lot of feelings for me and that I'm struggling with it. He earnestly, lovingly asks if there's anything he can do to help.
I tell him that he's actually doing a great deal...by talking with me about her...by not being secretive about it.
I ask him if there's anything he can think of that would help...if he could put himself in my shoes (note: this was BAD. I think this was an attempt on my part to make him FEEL how scary this might be for me.) He answered that we approached things so differently that he didn't feel at all comfortable suggesting solutions.
I didn't pursue this...kind of wish I had...another time.
He said "if you want me to talk about it more or less often just tell me".
Good. The LAST thing I want is h going underground with this.
After a couple of minutes I say "One thing that would help, I think, is if we could talk about what things you were angry or unhappy with before your a."
He said "you want to talk about how I felt in the past?"
I said "well...we can talk about the past or the present moment...I'm just trying to get at the idea that if you were happy in our m then it wouldn't matter if you were surrounded by harem girls....I'm just thinking if we focused on strengthening our m. and talking honestly about your unhappiness in certain areas then it would go a long way to alleviating the anxiety."
we both went to sleep after that.
So...I'm glad that we talked a bit.
I wish that I had handled it better in some ways. I think that h handled things really lovingly.
I wish that I had expressed a few things differently:
1. I'm not suggesting that he's having an a. Not in a million years am I thinking that. This really doesn't feel like it's about me not TRUSTING him...it feels like it's about me really feeling sad and hurting and feeling anxiety and trying to figure out how to live with that.
Does that make sense? 2. I kind of wish that I had focused less on "h's unhappiness with our m" -- I'm not even sure what I mean here...I want to leave the door wide open to hear what h was going thru and I think by stating it as "unhappiness in our m" it constricts the conversation...I think I could have made it A LOT more open ("what do you think was going on with you?") so that it didn't seem as though I thought it was ALL ABOUT ME.
3. I wish I had articulated what I'm looking for this way...
h told me on more than one occasion that "ow isn't the problem" -- ok...I get that...
so, let's say that instead of having an a...h developed a cocaine addiction...
let's say that h is unhappy (perhaps not just in our m but in life in general) and his pain relief of choice is cocaine.
I'm thinking that his cocaine addiction may not be "the problem" (original) but it probably makes fixing the problem quite a bit harder.
So....let's say that h eventually gives up cocaine...returns to his life...starts rebuilding it, etc.
wouldn't one still want to look into this issue from two approaches:
1. What was it about the "life" that led h to seek pain relief and how can we avoid getting there in the future
2. Why was cocaine the pain relief of choice...why not something less dire, less hurtful? There's lots of ways to try to ease pain...why pick something that was going to add a very difficult layer onto the problem at hand?
Does any of this make sense?
Sage
PS h rocks.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
