Is the OM married? Has the affair been exposed? This is what brought the affair to an end. I too persued in the beginning but when I found out the W was stilll seeing the OM I broke off all contact (except for kids stuff) with the W. In my case the OM was married. I spoke to him after our separation and told hi that now not only does he have to deal with me but he has to deal with an obssessed single woman. Me breaking off contact had the predicatble affect. It forced her to get ALL emotional support (including security) from the OM and my W ended up putting more pressure on the OM to leave his W. Exposure also took the luster off the affair.
Don't second guess your strategy in the beginning. In affairs there is very little you can do to stop it if it is a deep affair, but exposure certainly helps put the affair in the limelight. I also started dating a bit and my W found out through the grape vine. Also if she ever mentioend divorce I would call her bluff and say OK I prefer we give this marriage a second try but go ahead and file if you feel that is what you need. It's a learning process for sure.
