Loved and Supported...

[sage]

Hi K,
I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to my brand of childhood fears

What kind of things make you TRULY feel good about yourself? A special gift? Taking care of needy children? Making people laugh or feel special? Can you capitalize on these things to "fill your own love tanks" so you feel less dependent on H to be filled up? (I'm speaking to myself as well!)

This is wise. I need to figure out how to expand my "feel good" web into areas that I can own, create, etc. Will take some of the burden off of h, for sure.

Thanks for checking in,
Sage

[sage]

OK...I'm going to rant about something.

It will not be logical. It will not be fair. It will be one-sided. It will be "more of the same". It will be a cheeseless tunnel.

H -- if for some reason you are reading this...well, I ask that you TRY to see it for what it truly is...a way for me to get scary feelings out someplace.

**********
I just got off the phone with h. He called me. Early. Which I like (and mentioned yesterday). He's off to do some errands today. I love that he called to see how I was doing.

We're going to a Ball at his law school in a few weeks. I mentioned that the word "ball" was confusing me...I have a long gown that would certainly be appropriate for a "ball". Here's sort of a snapshot of the conversation:

S: I'm not really sure what to wear. I could wear that long dress but I'd hate to wear it if everyone else was going to show up in a pantsuit.

H: Pantsuit?

S: Well...you know...if other people aren't going to be as dressed up.

H: I'll ask <female friend from law school> what she's wearing

S: Ummm...no that's ok....don't do that, I'd feel...oh, never mind...sorry

H: I was kidding.

S: Sorry


H: That's OK.

Thrilling, no?

Well...here's the rant...I don't want you to talk to FF about what she's wearing...I don't want you to talk about her unsupportive husband...or have private emails...the fact that she emailed you the ball info reminds me of ow's stupid email re. some concert or other: "Have you ever been to something like this" (note to f'ing idiot ow...h hasn't been living under a goddamn rock waiting for you to come along...yes, he's been to "something like this" with his w).

I know this is anger and fear and control and anxiety and sadness talking (I've been crying since I got off the phone -- makeup is shot!)

I appreciate the fact that he's mentioning her, talking about her (and trying to ignore the fact that while there are TWO people in his study group he only mentions one name).

I know, I know he'd say "This is reminding me of how you responded re. last FF" -- oh, yah, last FF became first ow.

I hate the fact that once again it comes down to how much trust I can muster up. How much "as if" I can pull off.

I want to be able to say "Look, I'm terrified that we're vulnerable to another a. Can we please talk about how that DOESN'T happen again. Can we PLEASE talk about how opposite sex friends fit into our lives? Can we talk about what I can or can't do and what you can or can't do to make this feel better for both of us?"

I don't want h to push his R. underground. And I don't want to do something that jeopardizes how far we've come.

Screw it. I don't have time for this BS right now.

Get out your 2x4s.

Suggestions welcome, too.

Sage

[holdingon]

And, Sage, is it not possible to say this:

I want to be able to say "Look, I'm terrified that we're vulnerable to another a. Can we please talk about how that DOESN'T happen again. Can we PLEASE talk about how opposite sex friends fit into our lives? Can we talk about what I can or can't do and what you can or can't do to make this feel better for both of us?"

Is it not possible for you to talk to him about your anxieties? I am not good about knowing if it is okay or not, as you know... I DO know that eventually these discussions need to happen for us to heal.

[lostlove]

sage,

I don't have a 2x4 for you especially not for a heartfelt truthful rant.

I don't blame you one bit for your feelings about this new ff...especially given past history. Only thing I can say is look at how your r with h is now as compared to during his friendship with ff that became ow...how are things different now. Keep up with your progress and let h be responsible for himself.

I do wonder though if h is mentioning the ff often might it fall into the same line we often place when a woman starts mentioning a man? not that they are interested but perhaps are looking for a tad of jeolosy or concern or maybe just an ego boost. ok I'm getting off course but some things are just spinning in my head now...

since there has been an issue in the past about your "jeolosy" concerning h's ff's (damn it why does he need ff friends...what ever happend to "the guys") but there is/was obviosly something he was getting from them...hmmm...how to say this...I have noticed that quiet often h compliments you, praises you etc. You have stated here many times how lucky you are and what and awesome h you have..have you told him these things? not saying you are in any danger but just incase your fears and doubts concerning h are showing through more than your thoughts of how great you really think he is..perhaps pumping him up a tad and letting him know that his beautiful supportive wife thinks he rocks too! might just deter him from the lil ego boost recieved from pathetic ow's.

ok and regarding the ball...hon, if it's called a ball..you wear your gown and be proud that you are a classy beautiful lady and too bad if others wear pantsuits.

LL

[sage]

Is it not possible for you to talk to him about your anxieties? I am not good about knowing if it is okay or not, as you know... I DO know that eventually these discussions need to happen for us to heal.

Well..holdingon...I don't know...it hasn't worked particularly well in the past but it could have been bad timing or too much neediness on my part. h indicated a few weeks ago that he was open to a conversation to ease some of my (non-specific-to-FF) fears but we haven't actually done that. There's a part of me that feels generally unskilled at this sort of thing and then there's a part of me that thinks that it's not that I'm unskilled, per se, it's that my approach (direct, feelings oriented, hash it out, etc) just doesn't jibe with h's -- nobody's fault -- just the way it is for now.

I've got time...which is good because I'm in far too much of a "mental state" right now (past few days, etc).

Sage

[sage]

LL -- thanks

Only thing I can say is look at how your r with h is now as compared to during his friendship with ff that became ow...how are things different now. Keep up with your progress and let h be responsible for himself.

Yes...you're totally right about this. It's apples and oranges now and it's KEY that I don't withdraw from h out of insecurity or fear. H IS responsible for himself...must remind myself of this again and again.

not that they are interested but perhaps are looking for a tad of jeolosy or concern or maybe just an ego boost. ok I'm getting off course but some things are just spinning in my head now...

I dunno...in the past my expressions of concern or jealousy were NOT well met -- I'm sure it was because they were accusatory or displayed a lack of confidence in myself or him. I would absolutely HATE it (really, really, really) if mentioning this person was h's way of articulating to me that he needed something MORE from me or different or was unhappy or whatever. I'd actually been thinking that his mentioning her was his way of "doing something different" -- being more open and honest about her and giving me an opportunity to NOT react. I DON'T KNOW.

since there has been an issue in the past about your "jeolosy" concerning h's ff's (damn it why does he need ff friends...what ever happend to "the guys") but there is/was obviosly something he was getting from them...hmmm...how to say this...I have noticed that quiet often h compliments you, praises you etc. You have stated here many times how lucky you are and what and awesome h you have..have you told him these things? not saying you are in any danger but just incase your fears and doubts concerning h are showing through more than your thoughts of how great you really think he is..perhaps pumping him up a tad and letting him know that his beautiful supportive wife thinks he rocks too! might just deter him from the lil ego boost recieved from pathetic ow's.

OK -- so here's what I can do... You know that drinking game where you watch a tv show and everytime they say a word you have to drink? Well...I'm gonna get drunk everytime he says her name. Just kidding.

INSTEAD of internally freaking out (and to be HONEST -- I'd actually been doing GREAT with this until today. I mean, really, really great -- didn't even feel any flutters! And even today I didn't feel like something was going ON I just felt like "for crying out loud...WHY do I have to deal with this?")...anyway...I digressed...everytime he mentions her name, I will take it as a reminder that I should fill h's love tank...speak his LL (what the hell is it???? Acts of Service? QT?). I will delightfully and lovingly be reminded that his needs NEED to be fulfilled and who better to do that than his fabulous, gorgeous, self-confident, smart wife???

ok and regarding the ball...hon, if it's called a ball..you wear your gown and be proud that you are a classy beautiful lady and too bad if others wear pantsuits.

Thanks friend...this helps a lot.

Sage

[CoolHandLuke]

Sage,

I think it's good that you got that out of your system on the BB instead of with him. From a guy's viewpoint, I'm not seeing an attempt to hurt you or repeat past behavior. From what's posted, it looks like a "guy" approach: Identify the problem, and find a solution. What I'm reading into the conversation is an attempt to help, but it's very difficult to tell without hearing the tone of the conversation.

I know this is bringing up a lot of past feelings and experiences. However, it sounds like he's being very open with you about it. I obviously don't know his intentions though.

BTW: That was some quality ranting! I've done my share of ranting, so I recognize quality ranting when I see it. I hope it helped to get it out of your system.

[sage]

Sage,

I think it's good that you got that out of your system on the BB instead of with him. From a guy's viewpoint, I'm not seeing an attempt to hurt you or repeat past behavior. From what's posted, it looks like a "guy" approach: Identify the problem, and find a solution. What I'm reading into the conversation is an attempt to help, but it's very difficult to tell without hearing the tone of the conversation.

CHL...ya, I think it was just a normal "let me offer a solution" situation...there was really nothing in his voice or anything to make it seem anything but perfectly innocent and helpful and all. Just the demons, I suppose.

BTW: That was some quality ranting! I've done my share of ranting, so I recognize quality ranting when I see it. I hope it helped to get it out of your system.

OOOHH...you flatter me...but I gotta say -- yah, that was a quality rant but it wasn't really my best stuff... I'm gonna find you a post that'll knock your socks off!

Sage

[alaskangal]

Sage, first of all..wear a gown and be gorgeous at the ball! Have your hair done, if you can, and nails, and be ultra feminine and ultra enchanting. Make him proud to show you off at the ball! And if he doesn't act proud, then show yourself off by being gracious, gorgeous, and secure with his friends...both male and female.

Now, suggestion as to his friends...try to practice some acceptance. He is in school. It is coed. He has friends of both sexes....accept that. Don't overlook danger signs, but don't read too much into things either. He may be mentioning ff a lot thinking if he is talking about her you won't be suspicious or inclined to believe there is an A going on with her. He may be trying in his own way to calm your fears..not create more. Would he really be talking about her if there was an A going on, after all you have been through?

Focus on the good, as you so well know how to do. You are an awesome woman and his ff probably can't hold a candle to you...after all he married you, didn't he? Be the girl of his dreams at that ball...laugh, smile, flirt a bit, but also be attentive to him...tell him how great he looks and how good it feels to be on his arm...to be his lady love...
If you become Cinderella, then he'll become Prince Charming by default! LOL

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

I hope you have a wonderful Friday and a terrific weekend planned!