How do I act?

[Cautious]

I agree, you should have waited longer, but it's easy to get over excited. You'll remember next time... but it may be agony.

Just remember that there is NOTHING pressing enough to write to him unless the house burns down. Even then... well, look how long it took him to ask you about the earthquake.

I think you did SO good, meghunny, but try not to get ahead of yourself. Remember this is all baby steps and getting too excited will make him feel like you're right where he wants you - and scare him back into D mode.

It's a victory, nonetheless, and we're all more than happy to celebrate it with you. But keep your patience, this is going to take some time.

Congratulations and good luck!

[dburt]

Remember, you are now a cool chick, with many options to have fun. He can come with you or without you, but you do not care. You are now a fun loving person who does not codepend on him for your happiness. When you get to the state I mention above is when people want to hang around you maybe even your husband will.

Burt

[Surviving03]

thank you!! i could kick myself for not waiting, I def got over excited. I thought ok, im gonna take this to the boards and see what they say but then i just responded anyways... and even though i waited a couple hours, that was nothing because he was at work and only gets a break to check his mail every couple of hours so it probably wasnt a wait for him at all....dang it dang it dang it! oh well.... I am just glad that the last time he wrote me he had mentioned "if my feelings change I wont fight it" and then almost 3 weeks later without hearing anything from him he says "we will see what happens"... so i think that deep down he knows its possible that coming home could make him feel different.

ok, so now with him coming home... I think I am still going to wait at the house and not go to the airport... and I know that i should NEVER be the one to bring up talk about our M. That first day is going to be so awkward... what if he wants to sleep with me? The DB coach said that I should but to let him know that I understand that it doesnt mean that it changes anything... how difficult is that gonna be??!! The thing is, since we have been separated for almost 7 months, neither of us have slept with anyone for that long 7 months... I think he will want to sleep with me at some point if not right away... But it makes me nervous that once he gets it out of his system he may start to just feel like ok, got that out, still dont think I love her... you know? Im prob over thinking it all.

Right now, my plan is to start marriage counseling by myself and start figuring out how to communicate better with him and how to not fight and how to show him respect and things like that. And try to work on having a positive attitude... and staying that way so that I can start getting better sleep and eating better... I have been such a wreck for a month straight now... I have lost 10 lbs, but I am already skinny so I look like a skeleton right now, I wake up all thru the night, my eyes are constantly red, I feel tense and I get muscle cramps and my skin is broken out and I just feel and look awful. Even now, i was feeling so happy after that email, and now i feel my nerves coming on again.. every day is one day closer to next Thursday when he comes home.

i CAN do this! i Can do this!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!

[Surviving03]

just to clarify, i have already been going to counseling, but it wasnt necessarily marriage counseling, it was just counseling to help me cope with my emotions... now i want to focus more on skills in my marriage

[Surviving03]

ok... my nerves are really really getting to me. I re-read his email and I dont think it was a good thing... i mean I am glad that he finally did write me, but saying stuff like "i hope we can always be friends", and "I still think i made the right decision but we will see what happens..." does anyone see hope for my situation?
I love him so much, I just want my life back... I was a few weeks away from trying to start a family, and now I am on the brink of losing everything I love... and I just feel like one wrong move and its all going to be over... And time is not going to be on my side because he will be finding out his orders for his next base in a couple months and he will have to decide if I am going to that next base or not...
I am torn on how i should act because i know what he really wants is to be IN LOVE and be happy... his issues do not stem around anything other than that... so i THINK what i should do is just be nice, NEVER argue with him, allow him to do the things he wants to do without questioning him or acting like its making me mad... etc... but as far as what i do with myself, i dont know... im afraid if i start GAL on my own too much, i will be like unavailable to him or something... man, i just dont know how i should be. And if he brings up D talk or anything I dont know what I should say. If he wants to be in love so bad and have a loving happy relationship, why cant we just do that??!!

[jasper67]

OK calm down...you can read the email a thousand times and find anything to freak out over.

You know what to do. Every sitch is different so be somewhat flexible- you two haven seen eachother in a while so thats prob a good thing.

As for the comments on "always be friends, etc" remember it's script...you cant go off of what he says...you can change things by your actions...remember your 180s, and PMA

[Surviving03]

you are right.... ahhhh its so nerve wracking! where can i find some more of this "script" ? Is it in the books, I just got them in the mail today so I gotta get to reading, I have one week before he comes home.

I think i need some help on the 180's

I think some examples would be like if my husband goes out with his friends and comes home real late, i would normally be real mad and question him... so I should not be mad and not question since that is opposite of what i would typically do?

[dburt]

Have you seen anyone about your anxiety, Need to get healthy, do you think you need more help than just talking it out with someone.

Burt

[Surviving03]

I have been seeing the counselor about my anxiety, well at least that is what I go there hoping for help with, but it typically just turns out to be venting session for me. Are you asking if I think I need medication for my anxiety? I am not sure... The counselor did try to help me with relaxation techniques, but i dont think that is working for me. But I am seeing a different counselor on Tuesday. I dont know if I need more help than just talking about it burt, I have never been in such an emotional situation as this....

[jasper67]

Many of us have not- I personally have never experienced the range of emotions I have as in this sitch...

The anxiety will pass, keep doing the relaxation/meditation...and keep a journal and def keep venting here.

I think that example of a 180 would be great- no questioning where he's been, etc...just say "Have a good time?"

Something like that...

Script is almost everything the wayward will say
"dont have those feelings, dont know they'll come back"
"you'll never trust me again"
"ILYBNILWY"
"I'm done"
"You deserve better..."

etc, etc...

You cant buy into it, but you cannot argue it w/ them either