It will not be logical. It will not be fair. It will be one-sided. It will be "more of the same". It will be a cheeseless tunnel.
H -- if for some reason you are reading this...well, I ask that you TRY to see it for what it truly is...a way for me to get scary feelings out someplace.
********** I just got off the phone with h. He called me. Early. Which I like (and mentioned yesterday). He's off to do some errands today. I love that he called to see how I was doing.
We're going to a Ball at his law school in a few weeks. I mentioned that the word "ball" was confusing me...I have a long gown that would certainly be appropriate for a "ball". Here's sort of a snapshot of the conversation:
S: I'm not really sure what to wear. I could wear that long dress but I'd hate to wear it if everyone else was going to show up in a pantsuit.
H: Pantsuit?
S: Well...you know...if other people aren't going to be as dressed up.
H: I'll ask <female friend from law school> what she's wearing
S: Ummm...no that's ok....don't do that, I'd feel...oh, never mind...sorry
H: I was kidding.
S: Sorry
H: That's OK.
Thrilling, no?
Well...here's the rant...I don't want you to talk to FF about what she's wearing...I don't want you to talk about her unsupportive husband...or have private emails...the fact that she emailed you the ball info reminds me of ow's stupid email re. some concert or other: "Have you ever been to something like this" (note to f'ing idiot ow...h hasn't been living under a goddamn rock waiting for you to come along...yes, he's been to "something like this" with his w).
I know this is anger and fear and control and anxiety and sadness talking (I've been crying since I got off the phone -- makeup is shot!)
I appreciate the fact that he's mentioning her, talking about her (and trying to ignore the fact that while there are TWO people in his study group he only mentions one name).
I know, I know he'd say "This is reminding me of how you responded re. last FF" -- oh, yah, last FF became first ow.
I hate the fact that once again it comes down to how much trust I can muster up. How much "as if" I can pull off.
I want to be able to say "Look, I'm terrified that we're vulnerable to another a. Can we please talk about how that DOESN'T happen again. Can we PLEASE talk about how opposite sex friends fit into our lives? Can we talk about what I can or can't do and what you can or can't do to make this feel better for both of us?"
I don't want h to push his R. underground. And I don't want to do something that jeopardizes how far we've come.
Screw it. I don't have time for this BS right now.
Get out your 2x4s.
Suggestions welcome, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
