How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

As a casual observer it seems like you are way to available to him. If your goal is to keep him close to you that is one thing. However, if you are doing things to create an action or a reaction from him your setting yourself up.

This is where boundaries have to be drawn and enforced. I know you want to be nice and make everything flow smoothly but there are ramifications to D. Not saying that it is your job to punish him or anything like that but you need some space for yourself. If his constant contact about changing the schedules is a problem set a boundary that tells him its not ok to always interfere with "your" time with the kids.

I have been way too available to him----but I've done that for my kids. I've been available to let one or two of the kids not going to ball practice stay with me on "his" nights so I get extra time with them. I will gladly feed them when they are here rather than make them wait until after 9. I have been available on his weekends to let the girls stay with me if he goes to band practice and wants only to take S11. This I think I can only always do. I have to be available for my kids. They will always come first.

In the beginning, I was extra accomodating to him----thinking that if I did what he wanted, and cooperated to the fullest, it would bring him back to me. That obviously didn't happen. My "trick" didn't work. I didn't want to keep him "close" to me, because I thought the goal was to detach or go dark---to have no contact. I think failed with all of this, because I did still have so much contact. I worked hard showing a different attitude. I worked hard showing a positive upbeat attitude, even when I was/am dying inside. I took on all of the responisbilitly that I needed to take on. I didn't ask him for help with anything. I have handled and can handle everthing on my own----I tried to relieve any guilt associated with his decision to leave by showing him that I can do it all on my own. This "trick" didn't work either-----he is now pushing for the divorce, and anger is his most prevalent emotion. I sprinkled in a handful of attempts to "talk" which were anti-DB, but something I felt I needed to do rather than just act like all was ok and pretend like the only thing that was separate was our addressses.

I have worked on myself. I did get a job----after having been a stay at home mom for 13 years. I have worked on my attitude about things. I identified my mistakes in the M and have identified my faults. I have done my best to make changes in me that are posiitve and lasting----and I think I have, but I am still hopelessly in love with my H-----the H that is now lost, and I desperately want him back.

In the beginning my H said some things that suggested that he thought I was going to be the vindictive b*&^* and make him pay for his actions---I have gone out of my way to show him that that was not me----that that is not what I would ever do, because I love him and always will, and because my family means the world to me. I have continued to let my actions be ruled by what I think he wants, and it has "sucked the life out of me." I am running out of gas and need to make the changes necessary to keep or recover my sanity, because I know that the divorce will go through, I do feel like I have lost that battle.