MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

Glamgirl, thanks for your sensible advice. You are right, next time I should count to 100 (or a million) or just "go shopping" for a while before I respond. I should have done that, getting angry really is counterproductive.

But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm only human. After what I've been through with him for the past 6 months my nerves are shot. I will do better next time

[glamgirl]

Yes no need to beat yourself up. We have all been there. Based on my own experiences zipping the lips is better when you are heated and angry.

We know how they can push our buttons, but remember to step back from the fire or you might get burned.

Your h is not thinking clearly right now, so what he is doing is in ow's best interest not yours or the business. He is thinking for himself right now, not for the business or you. Keep that in mind.

Exactly your nerves are shot, so don't add more to them!

[Mila]

glamgirl I have been reading some parts of your many treads, so I know more about what you have been through. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with your H, but I'm happy that you are moving on and that you seem to be at peace.

How did you survive 3 years of this madness? You are a "superwoman". I will listen to your wisdom, you've been trough it all.

Thanks for watching over us "newbies".

[Mila]

This is a relatively quiet week for me - at least in terms of dealing with WH. He is still away visiting the OW. Since my e-mail blow-up I kept silent, not commenting on any of his cc e-mails.

This is a week for me. I'm finally starting to pick-up speed on day to day life - work especially. I can concentrate on it more and I have the desire to get things done, so I'm catching up on my work, thinking about MY LIFE and how I want to live it. Not that I'm giving up on WH, but I now realize that this is not going to be a matter of few months... this may take a long time. Even if his affair fizzles out, I don't think he will be in the mental state to just jump back into the marriage and commit and I wouldn't want him to. It's going to be a slow process and I would be very cautious after the last false comeback.

I'm ready to start planning and living my life AS IF.
I can't no longer just be waiting for him, paralyzed with grief as I was for the past six months.

Things I did FOR ME today:

1) Got my hair done
2) Attended Divorce/separation support group
3) Made a list of homes for sale that I want to check-out
4) Spent (to much) time on line reading the DB forum

[glamgirl]

Mila I can't say that I did survive, but I am still alive. Most recently my walk with God has made me pull the blinders from my own eyes.

I was so focused on what my h did to me the kids, yada yada yada. What I failed to do was look at my own self and how I was responding everytime my h did something new or bringing up the past.

The BEST advice I can give is to zip the lips. In the whole grand scheme of things does anything really matter. I am in a much better place with my h today than ever in all that has transpired.

We have a business together and we are getting along so much better than in times past. I am NO longer holding everything against him that I have in the past. What he did was wrong, but I don't have to remind him of that everytime I see him or point that out to him in text, e-mail, verbal. He knows it!

That is why it is best NOT to focus on them, but on yourself and how you need to grow. I often wondered what life lesson was I suppose to learn from all the tragedy. God finally revealed that to me after all these years, but my heart wasn't ready to hear that before. That is what was/is taking so long. All in good timing!

You will make many mistakes along this journey, but pick up some tools along the way to help you get through this most difficult time. Always step back before you respond and ask yourself how is what I am going to say make a differnce or how is it going to be perceived or better yet does it NEED to be said.

[Mila]

Thanks glamgirl, I'm learning a lot from this forum and especially I'm learning about myself.

I know that everyone is different about how they "handle" what has happened to them. I've also learned that we can't speed thinks up, it's a process. I believe that each person has this build-in defense mechanism that allows them to deal with only as much as their body and mind can handle at the time.

The more I work on myself the better I can deal with what's happening with WH. I'm noticing that despite having to stay in business with him I'm starting to detach - I guess to protect MYSELF from more hurt.

Maybe this week is easier, because he is not around, so I'll see if my detachment will last when I have to deal with him again.

[Grace_O]

If you are not as detached when he comes home, remember not to beat yourself up. It all takes time.

I like that you are taking care of yourself and evaluating your choices.

That you are upset about his "freebies" is understandable. I agree that she should be removed or billed. You are correct that you are running a business not a charity and any deviations from the norm should be discussed between partners.

HUGS

[glamgirl]

Mila I do think it's easier when they are not around. It gives you time to think and space.

I like how you are setting goals. Good job!

[Mila]

Grace, I suspect that I won't be as "detached" when he comes back but as long as I make "baby steps" I'm OK with that. I have to first get myself to some normalized state of mind and once I'm there I will start thinking up some new DB strategies and monitor what works and what doesn't. I just have to get my emotions under control first.

I still haven't decided what to do about the "freebies" he is giving away to OW's business. He may actually bring it up himself after that angry email I've sent to him.

glamgirl I agree it's much easier if they are not around. I can't believe I'm actually saying that about the guy I adored being with for 37 years.

[Mila]

I'm wondering if anyone has any opinions on this.

I've been talking to OW's husband and he seems to believe that his wife is also going through midlife. She is 48 and going through menopause. She quit her high profile CFO job 3 years ago and decided to become stay at home mom, then became bored and restless and that's when the A started with my H.

So my question is what happens when the WH & OW are both MLC?
Does it make any difference? Do you know anyone on this board that is in that sitch?