Hello all. Thank you for reading my story. I am at a loss for where I should go from here and any input and coaching would be very welcome: First a bit of background I'm 43 W is 42, 16 years married 3 children 3 10 and 13.
Oct 2008 discover W is having full blow affair for 6 months months. We seperate for two weeks but get back together and do individual counseling. My W says she has been very unhappy for many years. She claims NC with OM (They work in the same school). In restrospect my W changed dramatically while having her affair. She3 wanted to have sex with me every night. She had an awakening April 2009 Discover she is still seeing the OM. We seperate. She continues to see the OM. I went through personal Hell as you can imagine. Who is this Women. May 2009 I go limited contact in order to heal. She wants to be friends. She loves me but is not in love with me. I healed well. August she signs up on match.com I later find out to get over the other man. She does not file for divorce nor do I. We just live our lives seperately. We are friendly joke etc. October 2009 I later find out she is still in and out of the affair and I FINALLY expose the A to the OM's W. The affair dies instantly. The true colors of the OM comes out and my W is in heavy withdrawal.
December 2009 I send her a letter stating that if she wants to continue dating or do match.com I have no interest in being a family for Christmas and in fact I have no interest in being anything with her. She dumps a guy she was dating and drops match.com She still emphatically states she loves me and occassionally mentions the Reconciliation word but to be honest she is still in so much pain for what she has done and how messed up her life is. She went to confession finally and is on heavy meds. She states that she hates the OM but unfortunately has to see him every day. The other day she said if we do decide to reconcile she wants to do it the "right" way and start by dating. (Is that where a recon starts????)
Here we are today. Still freindly when I see her. She opened up about the affair more and more but still is in love with being in love. I just don't know where to go from here. I just lost my job and my year lease ends in May. I will probably have to move into the house to save money. I don't know if I/we are readyf or that yet. What should I be doing between now and May. I just don't know how to proceed in order to make me moving into the house about a recon as apposed to being forced because of financial circumstances. I'm truly lost.
OK, as I'm writing this my W just called crying saying she hates the school and wants to leave and was wondering if I was searching for jobs out of state because she wants to go. (Fight with a teacher (not OM issues) (ummm yep sounds like a runner to me). I'm glad she called though. I did my best listeing and stopped with my usual preaching.
The other day she said if we do decide to reconcile she wants to do it the "right" way and start by dating. (Is that where a recon starts????)
Stage One - lose negative feelings
Stage Two - become friends again
Stage Three- rekindle romance
Stage Four- recommit to marriage, build the marraige you both want.
So dating is a great place to be especially since your wife asked. Keep reading on here. Post to get answers.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
April 2009 Discover she is still seeing the OM. We seperate. She continues to see the OM. I went through personal Hell as you can imagine. Who is this Women. May 2009 I go limited contact in order to heal. She wants to be friends. She loves me but is not in love with me. I healed well. August she signs up on match.com I later find out to get over the other man. She does not file for divorce nor do I. We just live our lives seperately. We are friendly joke etc. October 2009 I later find out she is still in and out of the affair and I FINALLY expose the A to the OM's W. The affair dies instantly. The true colors of the OM comes out and my W is in heavy withdrawal.
December 2009 I send her a letter stating that if she wants to continue dating or do match.com I have no interest in being a family for Christmas and in fact I have no interest in being anything with her. She dumps a guy she was dating and drops match.com
It is really all so very simple. Not easy, by any means, but SIMPLE. The basic laws of human attraction, immutable forces, and they work nearly every time.
Why can't people see???
Folks, there are THINGS THAT WORK, and THINGS THAT DON'T. Yes, it's damned hard work after that, but these are the immutable starting points.
Puppy - What do you mean it is simple? I guess I'm a bit ignorant but I'm not sure what you mean. Read and head what???
I'm lost......I'm going to have to move back in the house in 2 months and I really need a plan to try and bring us closer over the next 2 months so the move in is not such a shock.
The first thing is to educate yourself with DB information. You can order Michele's DR book, you can read her articles here on her home page, and you can read other threads.
You have to get your self-confidence in gear, know what is the right thing you should be doing, determine to be the head of your family with honorable leadership, and be your own person without living in fear of what your WAW will think.
Accept the fact she is not the same person right now and she needs a strong man, not one who shows weakness, neediness, clinginess, etc.
Expect her to resist you and to test you, but you have to stand your ground.......and be prepared to stand up to her! Be ready to see things from her that you never thought possible. She is a different person, but she can find her way back, so don't give up.
You can't control her but you can establish boundaries with what you will live with and what you can't. It is about respecting you as her H and as a man. Never allow her to walk on you, talk down to you, speak disrespectful in front of your children or others. Respect if a huge issue b/c the WAW has lost her respect for her H.
She has to respect you before she will be attracted to you. She will test you in this area, especially.
Puppy, Coach, and some of the men can help you with boundaries. But for sure, the M will never work as long as she tries to have another man on the side and is addicted to on line dating boards.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi for the input. I do accept she is not the same person right now. She is still in heavy depression. Her money situation is tough. She sees her life as a miserable wreck. There is no more OM and she discontinued the online dating thing months ago. Now it's about her poor miserable life. Today she asked to borow $400 until she gets her paycheck in one week. I really don't want money to be at the forefront of a reunion. I went ahead and gave it to her. She has been trying very very hard over the last 9 months to avoid asking me for anything, but she is getting to the point where money is becoming a real issue. She doesn't want a recon to be about money and she is working many extra hours to compensate for loss of income.
I percieve that she is still doing things to keep herself in the relationship. She discontinued all dating and is going to counseling on a regular basis. She also asked her counselor about recons. The other day I asked if she would give a friend of mine a recommendation letter to get into the school she is at. She has never done this for any body. At first she said no because she doesn't feel comfortable doing it for anyone but the next day she sent me an e-mail with the recommendation. That was two weeks ago. Not sure what she wants but she knows this friend of mine is very close and if ever we were to recon we would be double dating with his wife.
I will buy the book DR and see where it takes me. Still trying to figure out boundaries though. She is in that MLC selfish mode but still shows some signs of caring. I still think its manipulation though to keep me in the game while she figures her life out.
Have you considered the possibility that your wife wants to move out of state both to get a fresh start AND to get away from the place where she fell?
I'm sorry you lost your job. I know times are very difficult right now economically. Are you working hard to find another job? Are you lining something up to keep some income flowing while you search for something in your area of expertise?
How genuine is your wife's desire to rebuild your marriage? I'm asking what your gut tells you about this, not what your hopeful heart wants to believe. We're not there, so we don't know how she is acting, the tone in her voice, the body language - all those things that send the messages that are not in their words.
What is your take? Is she remorseful for her indiscretion and longing to start over with you again? Or do you get the impression that she simply has nowhere else to go and is turning to you because you are the familiar?
I think these questions, and your honest answers to them, will direct your steps.
If she is legit, then you have a work in front of you. You need to handle that work with compassion, empathy, and with eyes wide open. You need to build her up, not tear her down. You need to show her that she was right to believe that you would continue being her rock through the tough times.
If she is not legit, then you should not be taking steps that make it look like you are reuniting, for whatever reason. There is nothing loving in allowing yourself to be used by someone, even if they are a person that you love dearly. If you KNOW inside that she is NOT done, moving back in together will only be a temporary thing.
You have questions and you would like answers. I say that you have the answers inside of you if you will assess what is going on honestly.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
No she is not there yet regarding 100% comittment to the marriage. She is going to have to eat a lot of crow because of how often she said the marriage was over, we are not compatible etc. etc, even though everyone was telling her she was full of Sh*t. She has low self esteem, with high intellectual intelligence. It will be tough for her to admit she was wrong and fell into the affair trap/addiction. She is slowly getting there. She facilates in and out of these emotional states and the other day she mentioned the whole thing was fake, like a fairy tale with an unhappy ending. But the next day she'll say something different. Some times the signals and "freudian" slips she puts off hints one day we will be back together and the next day she corrects herself. I truly do think it's a struggle with her pride and ego but obviously I will not be interested in a reconciliation unless I know she has checked her ego at the door.
As far as her being remorseful. I think she is to a point but she is not all the way there. I think she feels she got something from the affair (emotional awakening so to speak) and that is something she doesn't want to lose. I get it in a way. This affair has been a mixed blessing for me personally. VERY painful on one side but incredible personal growth and learning how to be happy despite all odds. She does feel alot of guilt for what she did.
You say I have answers inside. To be honest the answers change through out this process. They are only the answers in the moment. Perserverance and Time will tell. You are so right though about not being walked over.
All in all I see more progress than back slides. Baby steps so to speak but not enough for me to say "Oh OK this recon is going to happen".
As for my job loss, it gives me an excuse to get back into the house and bring this limbo to an end. I wish I had a different excuse but my severence package is pretty good and I should be able to find something in my field, albeit at a little less pay.
This is where I hope to be, ideally around summertime. Then again we don't pick our timelines....
We started downhill Feb/March 09, got terribly bad in July, separated beginning of Aug (she went straight to OM), got closer in Nov (she left OM), I pursued, her and OM got back together.... Imagine that. I think next time (if there is 1) I might run lol. Ya know, just make her chase me a bit. If I hadn't pursued I think we would have been back together already, maybe yes, maybe no. We just started talking civil again within the last few days.
Sounds to me you're on the right track.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
lol. Ya know, just make her chase me a bit. If I hadn't pursued I think we would have been back together already, maybe yes, maybe no. We just started talking civil again within the last few days.