flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

So H came over after dinner as usual and I successfully managed to be in a relaxed space, sitting at the table drawing with D3. I had music on, which helps me to resonate with a different mood. H actually sat on the other side of D3 and joined us at the table (hasn't happened before).

That set the tone for the bedtime routine. H asked how the day went (unusual). There was an opening when the children were in the other room and I casually said that I wanted to try the 2 days a shift for the next month and revisit. He looked almost surprised and said thanks! as if he had won something. I mentioned the idea of him suggesting dates and me checking my schedule to see if that works (thanks CG!). Then I said that at another time we can talk about setting up a routine for meals when the kids stay with him. Then I actually succeeded in a DB goal that I had scratched off my list because it seemed unrealistic: H made a joke to me and smiled while he was saying it! He was joking that he'd feed them junk food at his place (he knows I'm concerned about how he's been feeding them). I was a real joke, though, not an aggressive one. I'm guessing he was very relieved that I've "given in" on this one.

I'm choosing not to see it as giving in though. It's an experiment. There are many things that are not ideal about it including the wonkiness of the schedule. But realistically if I want to facilitate H bonding with the children, we will all have to work around his schedule because there are only some nights that are practical for him to take care of them. I can only hope that some equivalent concession to meet my needs will be possible in the D. I agree that this was going to happen sooner or later, and hopefully I've created some goodwill by allowing it to happen when H has requested it.

I haven't seen a L yet on the advice of my IC, who says that my "rights aren't going away". I just have to trust that H will do the right thing if this is not working for the children. Joint custody (= no child support) is common here I believe.

It's interesting. I think that the conversation last night did go well from H's POV, because he came here tonight with a qualitatively more open, warm mood even before I agreed to his request.

Don't think from this post that I'm reading much into the positive signs from tonight though. H adores his children and really does want a positive coparenting R with me. Part of his tension around me has probably been working himself up to "asserting his rights" around the overnights with the children and forward movement on that has probably relieved some of his stress, even our talk last night (getting it on the table). Hey, it's unlikely that our marriage is salvageable, but even if we can have a positive coparenting R one day, that's something worth working towards.