As Shirley Glass (among many others) points out, "The married lover frequently feeds into the other woman's perception that she is doing no harm. To keep his affair partner on the string, he feeds into her belief that he is stuck in an empty-shell marriage because of family responsibilities. But no matter how her married lover may have demeaned his wife, the affair partner who turns his wife into a nonperson is devaluing women, in general."
Yeah, the stereotyped affair scenario. Elements of that exist in many affairs, but the reality is sometimes far more varied than that. I have trouble buying into these kinds of pat explanations that are mostly based on cynical motives. You could say the same about dating relationships, "he just wanted to use her for sex", instead of "he found her beauty overwhelming and wanted to make love to her". Saying the same thing cynically or poetically. You pick the flavor depending on whether you want to convey disapproval or approval.
Quote:
"Assuming the role of family therapist is another way to assuage guilt. ... the affair partner PERCEIVES herself as someone who makes positive contributions to her lover's family life."
That isn't the context I meant at all. I meant NOT having the affair, and helping as a friend. My basic assumption is that a potential affair partner is first and foremost a friend. Or am I missing something here?
Quote:
Who would want to put themselves in a position where they have to deal with incredible guilt, so much self-deception, and the agony they'll be causing another woman once she finds out?
Exactly, that's why I think honesty is so important.
Quote:
Part of the reason only 3% of affairs result in lasting marriages is that, even in the highly unlikely event that the affair partners managed to be completely honest with each other, each one knows that the other one has a proven track record of lying to his/her spouse, sneaking around behind his/her back,
I don't really think of that as being honest. I meant totally honest with everyone. If you are going to have an affair, or you feel tempted to have one, you should let your spouse know. If you spouse cares, they will work to fix the problem.
As for the 3%, you have to be careful with statistics. Many, if not most, affair partners never intended for it to result in marriage in the first place, and got what they wanted out of the affair. Also, only a small percentage of affairs are ever found out. And if you compare it to dating relationships, the majority of those don't turn into marriage either.
Quote:
and looking for a new partner instead of fixing problems in the marriage.
You're making the assumption that anyone having an affair has NOT tried to fix the problem in their marriage. Sometimes it's completely the opposite. For some people, an affair results only after extensive efforts to repair the marriage have failed. And some people even use an affair as a way to get out of a marriage.
Quote:
It's hardly a recipe for everlasting trust and partnership.
Exactly, which is why I believe the best path is being honest with everyone. It forces the issues in ways that are good for everyone, and leaves no surprises and leaves no room for blackmail.
The couple that I mentioned who married their affair partners -- that couple kept no secrets from each other either. That was my point. I guess I didn't make that clear enough. They remain good friends, but they realized they weren't meeting each other's needs.
