suggested I post

[beastiemanager]

Hello! This will be long, sorry! While I have been a member of website for some time now,I have never posted. I have been VERY lucky to have found support via outside source who told me of this place. Also once a poster here I understand. Anyway it was suggested to me, that I start posting here so I can perhaps get a variety of responses. I don't want to wear her out with questions!

Just reading the stories has been extremely helpful. But anyway, I am in NC phase with a WS. My H. He is in mlc. He started mlc, obvious signs, in 08, but probably started before that a couple of years. Has been out of the house since May 09. I should say, he spends nights at friends place and came home during the days to do whatever. Well, it was stringing me out quite badly. Letting him do whatever he wanted, whenever he felt like. No boundaries. And I have now moved on to NC strategy. It has helped me get my bearings. I am feeling a lot more at peace. I am able to think again. Not entirely well, but I am getting there!
We have both been seeing a therapist for over a year. Well, I recently have realized that therapist is unwitingly supporting H. It has not been a benefit to me seeing her for this situation. And it is helping H to stay in his delusional thinking. You know...rewriting history, I am to blame, etc. So I have had many things suggested to me by therapist that just had me going in circles. I couldn't get a clear direction of where to go. And I always come out of sessions in much worse condition than when I went in. Thankfully I have had the support of mlc veteran reconciler. And the therapist always seems to be on opposite end of strategies with helper and info here. That should be my first clue!

The therapist has been very good in helping me with my own issues, obsessive thinking, anxiety panic \attacks, building up my self esteem. But to make a VERY long story shorter...She was concerned that NC was a bad idea. She thought that H would spin out of orbit with out my presence. She feels I am his centering force and without me present, it would send him off with no direction. Well, I thought that is what he is already doing, but hey.
Well, last week it was brought to my attention that therapist is sending H to her partner. She is burnt I think, but she wants him to go to him for a few sessions. I have told her I am dropping down to once a month. I may not even keep that at this point. She thinks that my H is not going to get what he is supposed to do with NC. She doesn't think he will think on it and come to tealize that "hey, if I want to see my W, I will have to think about her terms."

So I have been plagued with that thought of him not getting it. Going for months in NC, and he is not going to get it. Therapist feels he is settling in his "new life," more easy with this strategy. I do not agree. So I had a thought, do I wait until X amount of time..and see what happens. And if nothing happens, could I maybe do something like, tell him he can come home during the day, if he can treat me with respect, tells me of coming and going, no dropping in whenever he feels like it and leaving the same, more of a routine. Hug when he leaves, etc? Or do I just continue on with NC, no matter what amount of time I want to put in to it? What are your thoughts? Any suggestions? Sorry so long, but I wanted to give a little history. Thanks!