SA, Just curious about your H's BF that he works with, is that right? Were you guy's friends with this couple? If your H's BF did not tell him about his father passing, that would seem odd unless he distancing himself from your H, or the other way around.
Our best friends feel just as cheated on as I do as we used to do things with them every weekend. They have seen my W 3 times in 6 months. Not that you are going to tell your H this but I think the MLCer cuts out of their lives anyone that might possibly tell them that what they doing is wrong. My W blames our friends for not contacting her, I just say nothing.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
H's bf is my bgf's husband. We've done quite a few things together as couples. My H has cut out everyone from our life together, including our friends. He now only associates with ow's family and friends.
I actually found it rather curious that he even asked me why I hadn't told him about bf's step father's death as he hasn't contacted any of our friends since he left. (except the one time about the buck contest at work.) H also asked S26 why he hadn't told him about it.
H is so out of the loop that he doesn't know that his bf hasn't even been to work for a few weeks due to a surgery that he had to have.
Maybe someday our MLCer's will realize this was a consequence of their actions. Won't hold my breath as far as my H is concerned though. lol
Maybe someday our MLCer's will realize this was a consequence of their actions. Won't hold my breath as far as my H is concerned though. lol
Write it down b/c they rewrite this history just like they rewrote history before the affairs. I don't know if I will reopen the notebooks of pain in the future but if my W and I reconcile and she wants to know, I will let her read actual history.
You should write down about his bf's surgery, that is amazing. I try to keep my W informed about what is going on with the kids. Sometimes she could care less or is not as enthusiastic as I am.
They do remember the things they do, they just push way down.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
OK - Been over reading on HB's thread and a discussion going on between her and Cat04 has me wondering if my H may have been going through a MLC for 12 years. (H had an online EA back then) What I thought was depression brought on by SAD may have been him starting to go into the tunnel and brought back out by one event or the other. Could this be? When he'd come out of his depressed periods it was like we had a renewed relationship for a while and he'd reconnect with me and life and M would be good.
H's triggers seem to be life changing events that the children have gone through. 12 years ago it was when my SS graduated and left for the Marine Corp. This time it seems to be when S26 got married.
This time though he was definitely not going to be denied his journey. Sensed waffling at first, but since I've left him and ow alone he's in it deep it seems. The more detached I've become the more he does. It's like he mirrors me???
You know for ow being the love of his life and all, I can't help but wonder why he didn't run to her 12 years ago. She was divorced and available. I know, none of what they do makes sense. Just the curious side of me.
While it is very possible that your H COULD have been going through this for the last 12 years, no one can say for sure.
I have read stories of it taking much longer than the 3-5 that we read about and then some that take much less. It really depends on our MLCer.
My H’s family has a history of depression, manifesting from simple depression to bipolar. He has also exhibited periods of depression throughout the entire time I have known him.
But yes, there comes a point where they simply cannot fight the MLC anymore. They MUST go into the tunnel.
Why didn’t he go to OW 12 years ago? Why did he choose now? I have theories, that I will share if you are interested, but no one can really answer that. I apologize for not going back to check, but this OW, was she his high school girlfriend?
Whether he has been going through this for this long, or this is something more recent…
Please know that there was NOTHING that you could have done to stop this. While there are things I am sure that you could have done to be a better wife, partner, those things WOULD NOT have stopped him from finally entering the tunnel.
All you can do is to keep going as you have, continuing to learn, and when you are ready the answers will come to you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I am wondering the same thing with regards to my H. I really can't pinpoint any particular triggers now or when he really began his MLC as it was very gradual.
He did have a quarter life crisis about 10 years ago and so many issues he has brought up now (with regards to his self worth, career choices, etc.) are the same as back then, only seemingly magnified a ton. I often wonder if there was no end to the QLC and no beginning to the MLC, just one big journey. Granted, the first time around he didn't throw our M away or anything like that and it seemed short lived and he returned to normal for years, but he made a comment a few months ago about feeling like things got "swept under the rug" at that time. So now he is at a point where he can't ignore it anymore and he has to deal with them.
Like Cat's H's family, my H family has depression and bipolar so who knows how that plays into it, or has all along. I never did see him as depressed before, though.
I have a question that if anyone can give insight to I sure would appreciate it.
My H walked out leaving our house and property along with all the responsibility of running it and paying for it to my S26 and myself, and moved in with ow. (H does pay C/S and for extras our D's need)
I only contact him about financial and child info. Today I emailed him requesting my portion of income tax. Told him that the insurance on the house is due, which is true, and hoping that it would hurry him up a little about getting me the money. (I do not fear that he would keep the money) H emailed me back telling me that he just paid it not too long ago and asking me what are they charging for the full year. What I'm curious about is why he would even care. I wanted to ask him what it mattered, but I didn't. I just told him the amount. This just seems strange to me as he left all that he had behind. Any ideas?
