The journey begins

[mishka422]

My xh filed. In the filing he wanted 50/50 custody but to agree to no CS and split the rest of the debt. If I contested he wanted sole custody and CS from me. Gee, let's see....I contested, told him I wanted sole custody, joint legal custody, split the debt, and CS from him. He could have visitation every other weekend and one night per week. We know where that all ended up now. He didn't get one thing he said he wanted and he just gave up and agreed to everything I wanted. Now, actually getting him to follow through on any of that has been impossible.

[Drew]

BND, you also are the mom. I know courts still lean towards moms.

Not true.

What I feel is fair is to have $1,000 of my check left. I can make it on that. That's what we basically agreed to when we met in February before she got spooked and hired this attorney.

If I can get to that level I should be able to figure ways around other stuff.

The credit card stuff really isn't that big of a deal -- I'm mentally prepared for bankruptcy -- but will stick in my side. I begged, pleaded with her to stop spending and didn't man up until we hit $15,000 in debt.

It's ultimately my fault though because I applied for it and thought we could handle it.

Chickens coming home to roost.

Be careful. You're going to have to live with what you sign for a LONG time.

[yrsofhurt]

My husband filed two yrs ago this May and we just reached a settlement last week We both had to give more than we said we would. I ended up giving him a additional night every week and every other weekend. I also had to give him equity in our home but not until 4 years and in installments. I received alimony for 7 years and childsupport until child is out of highschool. I c ontinued to hold the threat of a trial over my husband and his reputation would have been at stake. That was my main leverage, but when all was said and done we both had to give inorder to get half of what we wanted. The lawyers made a fortune. It is really sad that a marriage ends as a business arrangement with no winners.

[bright_new_day]

BND, you also are the mom. I know courts still lean towards moms.

I think that if you have been an involved dad, it counts. In my case, X left and we established a schedule. When it came to negotiating, he decided to go for full custody to scare me. My lawyer said that judges are likely to go with what you are already doing if it seems to be working. My X left me with the kids, then tried to take them away from me saying I was mentally unstable. As my attorney pointed out, why did he leave me with the kids if I was nuts?!

[ClingingToHope]

My lawyer said that judges are likely to go with what you are already doing if it seems to be working.

This is exactly my problem. When I moved out -- at her screaming request -- I moved in with a friend for two months and couldn't have them.

When I got an apartment we worked out the deal we have now, which I agreed to because I never thought we'd actually get divorced and I didn't want to rock the boat and disrupt the kids.

So now, for 10 months she's been the custodial parent.

As soon as I can get in to see my L I'm going to see what my options are.

Before we separted if anything I had taken on basically 60 percent of the parenting duties. I was the one who saw them when they got home. Since W rarely came home before 6 p.m. I usually made dinner. Since W needed to be to work by 8:15 a.m. I normally took them to school. That wasn't an issue this year because they now can take the bus.

Since I can come and go as I please at my job, when they were sick I typically stayed home and took them to doctor's appointments. I also was 80 percent responsible for getting them to dance lessons, soccer practice and the like.

I can count the number of school functions I've missed on one hand. W missed dozens of things because of her job.

So up until I left it was clearly a 50/50 thing.

I just pray my actions of the past 10 months don't doom me. I just don't know what's going to happen because of the house. It's a chain around our necks.

[ClingingToHope]

One thing I'm hoping to have going for me is that she's actually asking for a more complex setup with the kids.

Me. It's simple. I just want to add one night a week -- Thursdays. That way I'd have them five in a row, she'd have them two, I'd have them two and then she'd have them five in a row.

Now, it's herky jerky the weeks I'll have them on the weekend. Wednesday here, Thursday there and then the weekends here.

And I'll rot in h*ll before I agree to take them to her on Sundays. That makes no sense. The lawyer wrote something about enjoying the comfort of their own beds.

They love it here. I was really worried about having them share a room, but they've really taken to it. They are sleeping in the same bed right now.

[awest1217]

Stay strong! Talk to the L and see what he has to say. Come up with a counter that is more than what you are asking and let the L's figure it out. Right now her L is calling the shots, not her. She may be agreeing, but she is just doing this for money. You are doing it for the girls (and slightly money) so just keep that in mind.

[ClingingToHope]

I can't see my L until Monday, which is unfortunate. This is going to be playing in my head all weekend. I had the girls last night and D11 had a lot of homework.

She was dragging her feet getting it done and I had to sit there and stare at her to keep her on track.

In between math and English we took a walk around the block to get her some exercise and talk.

The stuff between W and I is really bothering her and she's trying not to think about it because when she does she gets really sad.

She's OK with how the schedule is now but she'd like to spend more time with me.

She's just really down about this.

Then we got back to the apartment and finished her English and reading. I checked in on D7 when I could, but she mostly watched TV and played on the computer. We did get to read together for 20 minutes before bed.

This morning went smoothly. We went out for breakfast and then to school.

I know down the road life is going to be more difficult. This morning was great. And I can't wait to see them after school. Now off to work.

[iwantittowork]

Wow. This is playing for keeps.

Take a breath CTH, it is playing for keeps, I know where you are at, and how you feel.

Don't discuss this with her, is my opinion, let the L do it. It will cost money, but since they are already involved, I think it's worth it.

They will ask for the Sun, Stars and Moon, and you're L will say, here, how about some dirt from the yard. Somewhere in between is where it will likely end up.

I don't have specifics, since I am still in the middle of this as well, but a few things to think about.

Try and focus on what you can manage, day to day stuff, don't worry yet about the future, finances, etc, as you can't predict what will happen, and suffering over this will only work against you, and I believe part of the tactic's that L's use to get what they want.

[antlers]

Also, keep the legal part of this crap separate from the other part of it, because it is!