My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[lolawar]

I completely understand. My H typically always gets his way because he is so moody and irritable. It is just so much easier to give in to him than to fight him on anything. Besides his depression (or whatever mood disorder he has)..he was ridiculously spoiled growing up. This has created a disasterous personality cocktail.

Try to have patience. I haven't spoken to my H on the phone since Friday. I spoke to him briefly last night over text message. I cancelled MC with him and he was actually being 'normal' and 'understanding' instead of combative. Not speaking to them makes you feel like you have lost all connection with them...you feel like they are drifting further and further away.

I am trying to have faith in this process..and believe that NC is what is necessary right now. The talking him into his marriage, out of his A, calling him names, R talk...etc was not giving the desired results. Why keep doing something that doesn't work? You really have nothing to lose. Just a note of caution...because you don't hear from him..don't stew and get yourself angry. This will only shine through when you do speak to him...and that is not the impression you want to give him...angry resentful wife. Talk yourself out of being angry!!!...unless you can be an Oscar award winning actress. I am not so skilled with this!!!

[nicole8]

ok, questions again. I am almost 100% sure my husband is still seeing this girl who is 10 years younger. He denies it of course....should I find a way to expose this? Should I confront her and let her know that he hasn't been honest with her and that we have actually been intimate within a week.... I don't think she honestly has any idea what is going on.

thoughts? Just really want to speed things along and the sooner she is gone the sooner my husband will come out of the fog....hopefully. I really think he thinks he has everyone fooled. Seriously I think he does think this.

[lolawar]

You have to remember...the OW is NOT on your side...she is NOT your friend. Telling her anything is not going to help. She is going to do whatever it takes to carry on the A with your H. She does not care that you exist.

As for exposure...when I first found out about my H affair...I didn't tell anyone...except for my mother, my H mother and sister, and 2 close friends. When I realized he was still carrying on the A...I told all of our friends, her xboyfriend(father of her 2nd child, just recently broke up) and his boss (since it was work related)...I think this had more of an impact...but it still did not stop the A from continuing. I think the fantasy of the R diminished a bit...but it did not stop the A. Just made it more difficult..and in some ways..may have fueled the fire. His boss kept it a secret..nobody else in his office knows of the A so he technically was still able to have his 'secret/illicit' A. Very exciting..ugh.

I have never reached out to the OW. I never wanted to give her the satisfaction..she is a piece of sh*t...not worthy of my time or reaction. The OW knew your H was married...she DOES NOT CARE!!! I don't see any point in letting her know.

On a different note..I would stop the intimacy..cake eating.

[jasper67]

I would read some of Allens posts in Infidelity...he gives great advice on what to do in these sitches

[nicole8]

ok so the husband finally called after four days....seriously four days. I think that is totally ridiculous. I didn't answer and called him back after and hour and half. I knew he wouldn't answer he has an obligation every week at that time.

I really am so not looking forward to the conversation. I mean why is he calling now? Does he all of a sudden care? Did the OW "dump" him? Or does he want to tell me that he filed for divorce? I am getting pretty anxious to actually talk to him.

What if he wants to come back home? What do I say? Should I say I need to think about it? Ahhh!

Expect the worst but hope for the best......

[nicole8]

I just talked to my H. I'm not sure how the phone conversation went.... he pretty much called (suposably) to find out what his student id number is for a college he is trying to get transcripts for. I told him my day at work didn't go so well and he at least asked why. He seemed somewhat moody.... and short with me. He didn't seem to want to talk to much.

I am now typing this and he just called again to find out if I got the brakes done on my car.... I of course think now he is asking because he wants them done before he files for divorce and can somehow take the car from me. He asked if I would call his cousin to finish up the trim work in our basement too, or if he should call. I told him it might be nice if he called because he has the day off tomorrow and I don't.

Now what? I think I really blew it and just didn't know what to say at all. I am having a really hard time lately talking with my H lately. I don't know what to say and he seems so disinterested in what I have to say. He doesn't take lead with the conversation and try to carry it on at all. I pretty much have to do all of the work.

[awest1217]

Why keep talking to him? Just answer his questions and say good bye. The key is to take control of your life back. If H called to ask about the brakes say, I haven't had a chance to. You aren't mean, but you answered the question. If he doesn't say anything else after that, say good bye.

He is not ready to discuss anything else and you shouldn't assume anything. He might want you to get the brakes done because he doesn't want you to get hurt. You have to stop worrying about his motives and just care about you. It is very hard to do when you first start, but once you get the hang of it...it is liberating.

Also don't contact OW. I have done that a few times because I actually know OW personally, and it doesn't end well. She does not care, and if it isn't physical yet, she will think she is doing nothing wrong. Don't hurt yourself more.

[lolawar]

He could just be calling to check in...and came up with reasons to make the call. My H would do that often during the past 2 months of separation. He would want to come see the dogs, pick up this, pick up that...ask about certain things. My H would also look the house over from top to bottom...bathroom drawers, freezer...he appeared to want to know what was going on..but would rarely ask questions. One time he was in the fridge and made a comment..."all this food for one person?"...and looked back at me as if I was going to provide him with an explanation.

I guess my point is..do not read into it too much. If he is in lala land..nothing he does makes sense anyway. Awest is right- just answer the questions..don't try to drive the conversation..force him to make conversation..and if he doesn't...make a clean exit.

The first time I saw my H after we separated was a disaster (well it felt like it). I met him at the bar we always would go to for dinner. It was only a week or two after we separated..we decided we werent going to talk about our R...but of course the conversation kept coming back to that. I did not read DR and probably made all the typical mistakes. I felt like I was out to dinner with myself. It actually made me feel terrible and hopeless.

The last time he came to the house..I grabbed a magazine and plopped on the couch...and...he came over and sat in the room with me and started bringing up conversation. For the past few weeks- he has been the ONLY one to bring up R talk. ....and most importantly...it isn't really what you say during these conversations..it is how you say things. Sound upbeat, unbothered...perhaps even a bit disinterested (although I am not sure that is the right word I am looking for)...Pretend like your current situation is not consuming your every thought and he is no longer the center of your universe.

[nicole8]

lolawar & awest-
Great advice. He did actually ask about the brakes last saturday and said that he was worried I could get in an accident and get hurt. So I am just paranoid. Really need to focus on him NOT being the center of my world. Hard though because he was for so long. In a way it kind of feels like it is his way of being in control of the "situation". Whatever!

I did actually get the feeling that he was confused at the beginning of our conversation about why I hadn't called. I am going to continue to let him be the initiator of any contact between us and see how that goes.

My husband hates mind games and I feel like he might think that is what I am doing. However, I don't really have any other options seeing where our relationship is at. Time together would be nice but he comes over and is just so irritable & moody that the time isn't really very nice. When he threatened filing for divorce on Saturday it really was like he wanted me to say something to change his mind. What can I say. I feel like it is all a game to him.

I feel like my only option at this point is to "wait it out" and just keep doing my own thing. I'm not sure that disinterested is the best word either, but I get what you are saying.

I am thinking of finding a book club or something to try and occupy my time and turn the focus of my mind. Do either of you know of any online? Any other suggestions?

[awest1217]

I have my son so that occupies all my time since he is two and doing house work. Maybe you can start doing something outside. Is there anything you have always wanted to do, but couldn't because of H? Just have fun and explore.

Also I have been with my H for 11 years and I understand it is hard to switch gears. This is all normal and don't feel bad feeling that way. If H thinks it is a "mind" game, let him know you understand, but you don't have anything to ask him so you didn't have a need to call. There is no reason to call especially when he doesn't want to talk (don't tell him that). Just let him have some space and time to realize his mistakes. Use this time to work on you and become stronger. I have definitely learned a lot through this process and realized many things I have done wrong in our relationship and have changed myself. Learning to control my feelings and not say what I am thinking is huge and has helped me a lot.

Just giving you some encouragement. At the beginning it is so hard and you have no clue how to get through each day, but you will and each day you will get stronger and learn more.