still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

Well I am beginning to think that if WH acts nice it means he is going to bring up something bad. He didn't explicitly bring up something bad, but he did talk about the future "when you go back to work we'll have to figure out the schedule." Also he just happened to have my b-day off. I did ask him- I said "did you do that for a birthday present from S? Like give mommy the day to do stuff so you could watch him?" he said no, it just worked out that way. I asked if he was not bringing up the fact it was my birthday on purpose. He said not at all- did I think he would not acknowledge my b-day?

ANd then I started crying!!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Haven't cried in front of him in almost 5 months! The floodgates opened. I couldn't stop. He said "are you ok?"
I said "fine." boo hoo
he said "I know it's hard to talk about."
I said "Well, my feelings are hurt that you didn't take the day off for my birthday- that you just called it the 19th and didn't say "your birthday." I mean I just thought maybe you did that as a favor for me, like you were thinking of me."
He said he was sorry and that of course he knew it was my birthday and he didn't mean to hurt me or something like that.

Now I hope you know that was maybe 25% of why I was upset of COURSE the other 75% was because he was still implying that we would divorce.

But I tried to make it sound like I was just super upset over my b-day and did not bring up anything else. Phew- I wonder if he bought it. I probably kept crying quietly for 30 minutes damn it and I was stuck- couldn't leave.

Eventually I went to the bathroom and when I came back he had lifted S and said he thinks he can probably do it slowly. So I asked if it was ok if I went to the store. ANd I left and called a friend. When I came back I was relaxed.

Who knows if he bought it. I know someone is bound to say "time to do NC." I feel like not doing NC not crying not pursuing just being.WHat harm is that? Any?

[newmama]

OK well good news- I met a very good friend on another forum last April when I just started going through this. She reached out to me, we started emailing and had a lot in common! We have been emailing, talking on the phone and texting ever since.

So I decided to fly out to see her! I tried to do it for my b-day but the tickets were like $1400 and WH was right next to me as I was figuring out options. He said he bet it was that expensive because it was only a week away, spring break, etc. So he put in some dates for a month from now and the price is $350! Big difference! I was grateful that he looked it up- was about to just say "screw it" and spend $1400!!

Yay! We get to meet in person!

There is something i am thinking about. I was booking this trip and got choked up thinking about leaving S for 2 days. THAT is when he said "yes, we need to rethink the visitation schedule when you go back to work."

Was the sign of me just asking him to babysit S an extra night so I could fly out there possibly showing him that I am moving forward or being indpendent? I don't know...just interesting he rained on my parade at that time.

[newmama]

one more thing...maybe it wasn't bad that he saw me cry. Hey now I know how to get him to touch me! lol (my defense mechanism)

[jasper67]

are you trying expedia or SW, they should be much cheaper!!

[flowmom]

NM, I can see how the clothing comment would be discouraging, but that could be an "act of service" - like "sorry for leaving my clutter in your way". Hard to know and not worth analyzing

Meeting your DB goals...definitely progress! I hope that your H is starting to really think to himself...

[newmama]

Flowmom did you read my subsequent posts? Future talk about the visitation schedule? Takine my birthday off was not on purpose?
What do you think about that?

Maynard- I used expedia! thanks though! 340 bucks for a round trip is great for me :-)

[courageous wife]

Dangit NM! Well, we can't always be up and not show our sad emotions once in awhile. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think it just means that there is still more work to do...he's had lots of baby steps. I personally think that the NC thing will drive him crazy! He is used to being around you and talking with you. You hang in there!

[blownaway65]

I agree with CW. As I said on Piano's thread, H is cake eating, happy to be around whenever he feels like spending time with with S, but free as a bird to fly off to OW whenever he wants.

Also you gotta start lowering your expectation from every encounter you have with H, stop analysing everything to the Nth degree, you're just upsetting yourself. And stop trying to work out what he's thinking, there's very little you can do about it so why drive yourself crazy trying. Don't worry about him, worry about You.

Sorry for the harsh words NM, I know how hard it is too.

Take care

[flowmom]

Flowmom did you read my subsequent posts? Future talk about the visitation schedule? Takine my birthday off was not on purpose?
What do you think about that?

No I didn't! How did I miss that post...sorry.

I agree with CW. There's a positive pattern at work here (babysteps and shifting interactions) and a negative one (complacency/OW). What happened today untimately won't make make or break the situation. You've been getting some positive signs, but today was a reminder of the negative pattern (your H talking as if D is going to happen).

I posted a link in one of my threads to posts from happy_again who was a MLC/WAH who reconciled after a 2 year separation (kids involved). His W was a DBing saint, but there were times when she did cry and show her feelings, and those times had a huge impact on him. It did pierce his heart to realize how he was hurting her. I believe that an occasional display of true emotion is a reminder to him that you DO still love him and that even though you're GAL, there is still place for him in your heart...which by this point he shouldn't be taking for granted.

Go easy on yourself. Your H didn't fall in love with you because you were a robot. If he doesn't choose a life with you, it will be HIS loss and HIS fault.

[newmama]

CW thanks for acknowledging the baby steps! I do want to hear it's not just me who saw SOMETHING even though today SUCKED! Also thank you for thinking WH will miss me if I go NC. I just don't know if he is only here for S..but obviously am confused about his recent changes in behavior and today's events.

Blownaway, I know you are a kind and gentle soul like P and Chatterbug (CBug as I like to call him since his name change!) I am not put off by your harsh truth! (or theirs) I am getting the courage slowly but surely to move forward with my life. Believe it or not, booking the flight to see my friend next month was HUGE and it was still HUGE when I wanted to do it next week! I was wondering in the back of my mind if WH was going to want to take us to lunch or something. Another scary future step was booking plans for the 4th of July. But I did both- and to me, that shows myself I am preparing for the worst and trying to live MY life. So I hear you! Next goal is to worry less about what WH thinks...I think I will be able to do that now since he is baffling me too much with his behavior! (but I don't regret acting caring toward him last week during the cancer scare)

Flowmom thank you for your post! I do believe it is painful for WH to see me upset and I do hope it reminds him how much I love him. I was so worried that crying was the worst mistake I could have made and have back pedaled! So I appreciate the reassurance that crying once in awhile (last week due to Cancer scare but almost 5 months prior) is not a bad thing.

I am just overwhelmed with the idea of NC. How to start, what to say, how to do it. I wish I was back at work. It seems like it would be easier. I don't see a letter working out at this point- I would need to tell him face to face one night before he left.

Am rolling this idea around. Am curious to hear Saint's take.

I think I can follow Mindfull's advice for the present which is to take a break and just live for awhile (but not do anything drastic). Some would call it detaching lol!