still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

Well I am beginning to think that if WH acts nice it means he is going to bring up something bad. He didn't explicitly bring up something bad, but he did talk about the future "when you go back to work we'll have to figure out the schedule." Also he just happened to have my b-day off. I did ask him- I said "did you do that for a birthday present from S? Like give mommy the day to do stuff so you could watch him?" he said no, it just worked out that way. I asked if he was not bringing up the fact it was my birthday on purpose. He said not at all- did I think he would not acknowledge my b-day?

ANd then I started crying!!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Haven't cried in front of him in almost 5 months! The floodgates opened. I couldn't stop. He said "are you ok?"
I said "fine." boo hoo
he said "I know it's hard to talk about."
I said "Well, my feelings are hurt that you didn't take the day off for my birthday- that you just called it the 19th and didn't say "your birthday." I mean I just thought maybe you did that as a favor for me, like you were thinking of me."
He said he was sorry and that of course he knew it was my birthday and he didn't mean to hurt me or something like that.

Now I hope you know that was maybe 25% of why I was upset of COURSE the other 75% was because he was still implying that we would divorce.

But I tried to make it sound like I was just super upset over my b-day and did not bring up anything else. Phew- I wonder if he bought it. I probably kept crying quietly for 30 minutes damn it and I was stuck- couldn't leave.

Eventually I went to the bathroom and when I came back he had lifted S and said he thinks he can probably do it slowly. So I asked if it was ok if I went to the store. ANd I left and called a friend. When I came back I was relaxed.

Who knows if he bought it. I know someone is bound to say "time to do NC." I feel like not doing NC not crying not pursuing just being.WHat harm is that? Any?