here we go again

[newmama]

Something doesn't seem right...what ulterior motive could he have for staying married to you? Just to check all of your bases!

[Jstar]

so i brought up what kimmie lee said about marriage being legit from his sisters perspective, she was in same situation as h, here illegally, no able to work, she married a guy and then got married to him again.

i raised the question ifit was legit he said they just wanted a party, but after her first time married to her h, she then filed for status and then got married to same guy again, so i was thinking maybe my marriage is not legit, i m going to have to check into that.

i have no idea what to do at this point, what to believe. he is just happy living the way he does or so i am wrongfully assuming. i feel like he's just testing me to see how long something with me is going to last.

again me assuming. he for surely does not want to discuss any part of relationship.

on saturday i said yeah money is great to give me but when things change in our personal lives with dating the money will stop, there will be hurt feelings, etc...

[Jstar]

alterior motive staying married would be to torture me, keep my life on hold while he figures himself out, i really have no clue. he knows i will take him out if he does so mething with my credit.

his taking my credit card was excused by him saying it was for things we needed. whatever, then should have asked....

[Jstar]

here's a question:

if db goes in a certain order or what could be considered logical order

stage 1 rid of negative feelings
stage 2 become friends
stage 3 rekindle romance
stage 4 recommit to marriage

what if you and spouse skip stages? Ive seen some advice be about one spouse moving back into marital home and 1 spouse not even be in stage 1.

to put it to my stich: i think i'm rid of the negative feelings, notice i say think and convos on my end are friendlier, i would not consider myself being friends with him.

h is still holding onto negative feelings, he thinks they willjust disappear one day and has made claims to want to just be friends.

i guess i should set some goals.

1. no relationship talk
2. be positive and act as if
3. no initiating contact unless absolutely necesary

[Jstar]

i don't know where today went.

when i got up sent msg that about problem with bugs in house, and not getting enough sleep.

of course no response.

so h calls and leaves vm, about him being on a break to call him back,

i did not call him back, d2.5 wanted to speak to him so she did and i stil did not speak with him.

i did send a msg a few hrs later asking if d2.5 was expecting him tonight. now it's 1030pm and no contact from me or him.

he's supposed to be off the next 2 days and i suspect he will want to come over.

should i return to my bedroom if he comes over or engage in conversations,.

i'm not sure if i should be distant or just like la de da im so happy?

[Jstar]

oh h showed up today, cut the grass and while on phone with his friends, refered to me as the baby momma.

i got so upset and told him he was totally disrespecting me and my children, etc etc.

it of course got worse from there, i said that if that's all i am why do we need to be married.

he refuses to talk about anything and wants to stay in limbo and i can't do it.

he won't say one way or the other, divorce or work it out.

[Jstar]

when i do bring up divorce and filing, his response is do what you want, i say well you don't want to be married so why prolong it, we are not moving in any direction, it's the same as it was in nov when he left me and the kids.

he reached down today and said to d2.5 mommie doesn't want daddy and daddy doesn't want mommy, i had to correct him, by saying please do not speak of what yout hink i feel or don't feel.

[Jstar]

i really don't know how many of you guys keep your emotions so in control when ur spouse is around. I have not been able to do it for a few weeks.

its a major compliment to you guys.

i was supposed to go to dr appoit for follow up and got so upset i could not go.

is it so wrong to want to know if we r headed somewhere and have a common goal?

[Jstar]

been a few days since i've posted.

latest update" saturdays are d 2.5 soccer practice, h didn't make it ontime to take her or for me to go and he watch newborn son. so he just took d2.5 to park, asked me and son to go but his phone rang and one question was asked. "where are you/ immediately he told who ever called where he was and who he was with.

it made me feel like crap so i just took son and i into the house and said we are going to pass, have fun and closed the door.

h came inside asked if i was sure, i said yep, he asked what's wrong and i lied and said nothing.

y does it bother me that everyone else gets to know where and who he is with but me.. i'v enever been in the fav five to know who and where he is even when we are together.

my phone has been messed up for a few days which im sure h loves since i can't really text him and lets him off the hook of everything.

so they came back from park and brought food, h had to leave quickly to get to work(he won't share where he works or anything about it to me)d2.5 again was upset, she is everytime he leaves since she has no idea when she's gonna see him again, it could be the next day or weeks from now.

the next day i sent msg via internet to h, i don't remmeber exactly but something to the effect of daughter being upset, not wanting to bust him for stuff, that i wrongly expect him to be here with kids when he's not working, that i'm frustrated, this was not what i signed up for raising these 2 kids on my own and it was not working for me. etc.

he sends msg back that it killed him to leave daughter to go to work....

i just sent a msg to him saying i've done some soul searching over the past 2 days and thinking and came to some decisions and choices. i haven't but wish i could.

i can not get over expecting him to be a father to these kids.

each day and night 24/7 i am with both kids with no breathing room at all. if one's a sleep the other is up or crying. i do manage to get a shower and eat, somewhat do laundry and try to keep house neat but i gotta tell you it's hard especially doing it all on my own.

i don't want to resent h for not being here raising these kids or even helping me but it's really hard not to. he can lay down and make them with me but can't wont do the hard work.

[newmama]

Jstar, I have to be honest here....I believe that if you make decent efforts to be a good parent (the best possible in these separated sitches), it says a lot about your true character.
YOU are amazing. Your H's slacker parenting actions reflect his true character.

For me, all I needed was to see my WH not be interested in S and act like a deadbeat dad and it would have motivated me to cut him out of our lives. Luckily for S, the opposite happened. So it showed me that I am right to believe the real WH is inside of him somewhere. And I devoted myself to limbo! (argh!)

So imagine your life as a divorced mom. Picture the worst. Post it here if you want, but what are the obstacles you are facing? YOu are single mom now as it is and you are doing it. Also picture the benefits of not waiting on H.