Mind - of course----and that's how I've approached everything during this separation and now I'm in this situation----where I'm separated, but don't act like it----for the kids, but it is killing me to keep pretending as he starts the major push for the D.
I WANT to keep my kids with me all the time----I don't want to share.
It's all moot. I asked D13, and she said she wanted to take a pass. I shipped him a quick e-mail telling him she wanted a pass, and his reply:
Very bad. I'm done. She's going to have to fail and then decide to do something about it. I am not going to be more invested in her spectacular talent than she is.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
TCBTE, I'm always asking question I know but what is your goal? My assumption is its not to keep D13 away from you H. No its to keep some space between you and H. From that place is where the boundary needs to be set. Could H call D13 directly and work out the arrangements? That is assuming of course that you don't already have other plans for tonight.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Very bad. I'm done. She's going to have to fail and then decide to do something about it. I am not going to be more invested in her spectacular talent than she is.
So if he doesn't help her with her pitching, she will be a failure???!!!
You know what, I don't get angry on here very often, but you know what?
FCUK HIM!!!!
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I don't want to be in the middle - she can contact him, and I've asked her to do so on many occasions - but most of the time she doesn't want to talk to him when she 1. doesn't want to pitch (see his response above); or 2. doesn't want to deal with his overbearing attitude about it.
I'm letting her call the shots from now on. THIS I can do.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Very bad. I'm done. She's going to have to fail and then decide to do something about it. I am not going to be more invested in her spectacular talent than she is.
So if he doesn't help her with her pitching, she will be a failure???!!!
You know what, I don't get angry on here very often, but you know what?
FCUK HIM!!!!
DREW - Thank you! I feel exactly the same way, and I'm done letting him push this attitude on her. She already has trouble with self esteem. She is VERY talented, and pitching is her THING (one of only a few) that she excels at, but his recent fanatical push to practice and excel is bringing her down. She told me last weekend that he said the other pitcher on the team was going to have to come in and "save" her because her speed has slowed down and without practice she was going to need help. When I write this, I know that my answer will always be to let them decide first and not push them to go (to extra practices)when they don't want to----which I have done-----to "make him happy" or to try to keep peace. Unfortunately I can't keep them from doing things to make him happy or to avoid the anger----as is evident in the above e-mail.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Right - I have told her to call him, but when she has been reluctant to, because she knows if she tells him no it will make him mad----I have stepped in. I don't want her or the other two kids to be subjected to his MLC anger. D16 is beginning to see through it, and can deal with it. I don't think D13 or S11 can.
Last edited by ThisCan'tBTheEnd; 03/10/1010:25 PM.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Do your best to shield them from his anger, however you will never be able to shield them from pain. Speaking from experience, it's a fine line between comforting them from the situation and still being their parent. I would err on the side of being their parent. Even though they might not say or show it, kids thrive on structure and dicipline. Particularly in trying times like these.
Do your best. That's all you can do.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
As a casual observer it seems like you are way to available to him. If your goal is to keep him close to you that is one thing. However, if you are doing things to create an action or a reaction from him your setting yourself up.
This is where boundaries have to be drawn and enforced. I know you want to be nice and make everything flow smoothly but there are ramifications to D. Not saying that it is your job to punish him or anything like that but you need some space for yourself. If his constant contact about changing the schedules is a problem set a boundary that tells him its not ok to always interfere with "your" time with the kids.
I have been way too available to him----but I've done that for my kids. I've been available to let one or two of the kids not going to ball practice stay with me on "his" nights so I get extra time with them. I will gladly feed them when they are here rather than make them wait until after 9. I have been available on his weekends to let the girls stay with me if he goes to band practice and wants only to take S11. This I think I can only always do. I have to be available for my kids. They will always come first.
In the beginning, I was extra accomodating to him----thinking that if I did what he wanted, and cooperated to the fullest, it would bring him back to me. That obviously didn't happen. My "trick" didn't work. I didn't want to keep him "close" to me, because I thought the goal was to detach or go dark---to have no contact. I think failed with all of this, because I did still have so much contact. I worked hard showing a different attitude. I worked hard showing a positive upbeat attitude, even when I was/am dying inside. I took on all of the responisbilitly that I needed to take on. I didn't ask him for help with anything. I have handled and can handle everthing on my own----I tried to relieve any guilt associated with his decision to leave by showing him that I can do it all on my own. This "trick" didn't work either-----he is now pushing for the divorce, and anger is his most prevalent emotion. I sprinkled in a handful of attempts to "talk" which were anti-DB, but something I felt I needed to do rather than just act like all was ok and pretend like the only thing that was separate was our addressses.
I have worked on myself. I did get a job----after having been a stay at home mom for 13 years. I have worked on my attitude about things. I identified my mistakes in the M and have identified my faults. I have done my best to make changes in me that are posiitve and lasting----and I think I have, but I am still hopelessly in love with my H-----the H that is now lost, and I desperately want him back.
In the beginning my H said some things that suggested that he thought I was going to be the vindictive b*&^* and make him pay for his actions---I have gone out of my way to show him that that was not me----that that is not what I would ever do, because I love him and always will, and because my family means the world to me. I have continued to let my actions be ruled by what I think he wants, and it has "sucked the life out of me." I am running out of gas and need to make the changes necessary to keep or recover my sanity, because I know that the divorce will go through, I do feel like I have lost that battle.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
