As I would have expected, you have a real good handle on your trigger right now - FEAR. And you know, more than just intuitively, that it will lead you down a cheeseless tunnel.
I've seen the effects of my fear in my own sitch, and it NEVER has lead to any good results. What is fear? On some level, it is an instinct that has evolved within us to protect us from danger, obviously. But most dangers appear and vanish rather rapidly, huh? The problems start when we let the fear settle in and reside with us continually, even if just below the surface.
When feeling some fear creep up in me, I try to make my mind deal with the emotion logically, e.g. "are you going to die from this? what is it you really want, and is it realistic?"
Are you wanting your H to bound home one day and say, "Honey, I want to hold you in my arms forever...nothing bad will EVER happen to us and I will fulfill your every longing and desire!"
I know what you went through must have been devastating, and I honestly hurt for you over that. But you didn't die from it., and as evidenced by your wisdom and all of the respect you garner from so many on this board, you are certainly stronger and wiser from it.
Maybe now you need to go back to DBing 101 (hey, even pros never give up on working the fundamentals). It's about YOU! Dive inside yourself to find what will ultimately help you find peace, regardless of your circumstances, whether its religion, spirituality or whatever. FIND THAT SOURCE FOR YOU.
Then you will appreciate even more the progress you and your H have made, and fears for the present or future may not last nearly as long.
Quote: I suspect part of what is going through your mind are memories of the troubled times. Try to recognize that those are behind you now, but it will take time to bury those ghosts.
Quote: This sounds to me like somebody's been cooking a stew. (We won't name any names. ) Main ingredients I see: anxiety, insecurity, caution, anger. I think both of you are going to hold onto some of those feelings for a while. Try to think about them as "junk thoughts". I suspect for a while, both of you will relate negative thoughts and feelings back to this painful period in your lives. With time, those thoughts and feelings will diminish.
Yup, you're right...and goodness knows that time has healed much of this and will continue to work on the wounds...and I DO recognize (well, most of the time) that standing around stirring the pot doesn't make matters better. I TRY not to spend too much time in that particular kitchen!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: The problems start when we let the fear settle in and reside with us continually, even if just below the surface.
Too true. I've let fear be a constant companion. Time to kick it out of the nest!
Quote: Are you wanting your H to bound home one day and say, "Honey, I want to hold you in my arms forever...nothing bad will EVER happen to us and I will fulfill your every longing and desire!"
Um, well, yes.
To be blunt with myself...I've actually heard from h all of the things that I've said I wanted to hear. I guess I kind of think of it this (perverse) way. When h dropped the bomb, had the a, screamed how badly he wanted a d, all that stuff, it's like some cord was cut...severed through. Now, without some dramatic assertion (at a similar intensity level as the bomb dropping) of a recommitment to the m, well, all the truly wondrous things that h does every day feels like its reconnecting a fiber of the cord but not the whole cord all at once.
Does that make sense?
Quote: I know what you went through must have been devastating, and I honestly hurt for you over that. But you didn't die from it., and as evidenced by your wisdom and all of the respect you garner from so many on this board, you are certainly stronger and wiser from it.
Yes...but I consider myself paid up on character building experiences...
Actually...you make a very good point...I DIDN'T die from it and I wouldn't if it happened again...and frankly, in the larger scheme of things (maiming, blinding, accidents, burns, etc) I would chose this over some other alternatives. Am I stronger for it? Yes.
Quote: Maybe now you need to go back to DBing 101 (hey, even pros never give up on working the fundamentals). It's about YOU! Dive inside yourself to find what will ultimately help you find peace, regardless of your circumstances, whether its religion, spirituality or whatever. FIND THAT SOURCE FOR YOU.
I absolutely agree with this. I need some new goals. Back to DB basics!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Oh, I'm not so sure...I think you may be beyond the basics oh wise one!
Unless of course it's the basics of battling those internal demons...because the R stuff sounds SLAMMIN'!
I had to chuckle reading Hud's post (sorry Hud!) because I kept thinking...the lucky wench HAS heard pretty much these words from her H...
And the affirmations continue, Sage.
It also came to me that this "undercurrent of sadness" could just be part of the human condition??? Some of us are "wired" to be generally more happy than others...Sorry, but it's true.
Of course what we DO with our lives and our thoughts can make a difference, but why this insane push to be "happy" all the time???
(Can you guess which end of the spectrum I fall on???)
I agree with Mr. Cool...lots of this IS leftover emotions...things that WILL fade, ARE fading, HAVE to fade in the face of the continuing growth in your M.
Sage...I'm really on the fence about the "Big grand re-committment" thing...
Sometimes I think it would be wonderful...but I look at CJ and think...is that something he would do? Is it something I would even want right now? (especially the idea of a vow renewal....but maybe those are MY doubts??)
Just popping in quickly to TRY to catch up. It isn't going to be easy!
Jeaninne -- if you're reading..I'm SO happy to see you back! Pam and I were talking about missing you yesterday! I do hope that you start a thread...maybe it'll help to get it out there in cyberspace?
Had a terrific night with h. Honestly, I CAN feel the load lifting every minute...we talked about SO MUCH -- school, my job, my volunteer stuff. It was simply a real pleasure to be together.
He's out most of today...I'm off for my massage and pampering in a few! but we'll catch up tonight for a movie and dinner.
Away we go! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
) Main ingredients I see: anxiety, insecurity, caution, anger. I think both of you are going to hold onto some of those feelings for a while. Try to think about them as "junk thoughts". I suspect for a while, both of you will relate negative thoughts and feelings back to this painful period in your lives. With time, those thoughts and feelings will diminish. 
Time to kick it out of the nest!
