Some of his behavior (the "I don't want to be an adult" comments, juvenile behavior, the affairs, etc.) could be signs that he is in an MLC. With the long-standing traffic with prostitutes, though, I'm not sure this is the case...
There are very good posters that can point you in the right direction to finding out if it is an MLC, and how to learn to cope with it. The bad news is: if it's an MLC then there is little you can do for them except give them time and space to figure things out.
Your H may still act out, be a selfish jerk, and even decide to leave you. (The fact that he hasn't apparently put any effort into leaving means he's still not certain that's what he wants.) Until -- or unless! -- he gets his own head together you may have little choice other than to ride out the storm, or walk away yourself.
Some questions and suggestions:
* If you have been having sex with him while he's been having affairs and seeing prostitutes, then absolutely get yourself tested for STDs on a regular basis. * Much of what he says is going to be "gaslighting" (rewriting history to fit his state of mind and mess with yours) but there does appear to a pattern of controlling behavior. Why is there a porn blocker on his computer but not yours? While you are working on your 180s, you might talk to a counselor about codependant behaviors.
Other books to look at:
"The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman (Sample chapter) "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. (Chapter one) "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz (Limited online preview)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Anne, I'm glad to hear that you are ok! You never can be to careful these days.
I know what PCOS is, not super familiar with the details. Its linked to extra/ imbalanced estrogen??
I had a long battle with health over last two years -similiar weight gain as you... found out it was an obscure allergy to a food additive... I've learned ALOT about how to take care of my body without drugs...This is STRICTLY what I'm doing for myself and what I have found has helped me... FWIW...Disclaimer to below - This is me - on my soap box - totally my opinion and what I do personally - about health stuff.... Take it as you would like...
~Eat only organic - and I mean NOW - the crap in food is SUPER hard on your body - especially when its not functioning optimally - this change to organic helped my sister overcome infertility. Its amazing what your "girl parts" can do when they aren't bogged down by GMO's and pesticides.... There is ALOT of synthetic estrogen in those pesticides... just think of what that is doing to your body. ~Take a very comprehensive multi-vitamin. I use Extendlife which is organic and I order it online. WELL worth it. ~Take Fish Oil everyday ~I added LINGEN FLAXSEED to my diet. This is a fatty acid that binds with extra estrogen in your body and keeps it from causing issues. VERY effective for PMS/Heavy horrible cycles/cysts... been used by naturopaths for years to treat those conditions - I mix it in applesauce. ~Keep a food diary and track how much/what you eat. Its important to know so you make sure to fuel your body RIGHT ~I have a very clear and consistent workout regime. The only thing in our bodies that burns fat is muscle. You gotta get consistent and give it time. It does work but it takes work! ~Actively reduce stress - see above - stress causes weight gain typically in women because it releases cortisol. ~Get into therapy (if you aren't' already) Your self image issues won't go away on their own. Time to deal with them - head on!
Like I said - I'm not a professional so I can only recommend what I do.. but its working for me. I'm down 30lbs and falling. I haven't felt this good in years!!! Its been 6 months of hard work to get here so stay consistent with healthy changes and give it time to work.
Also - give acupuncture a shot - you never know - its done WONDERS for me.
Time for you to "forget" H for just a min. YOU need to deal with your issues. Eating disorders are serious business - get help. Take care of your body. Ditch the conventional medicine and find a natural way to deal with your PCOS - I'm totally convinced that DRUGS DON'T WORK for anything..... Dr's only want to push drugs for drug companies. Take the time - do the research - advocate for yourself - you will find out YOU are better at running your body than you ever knew.
These are big changes - GOOD changes - for YOU. H will notice... be the EXAMPLE of change in your household... if it doesn't help your M at least a whole new you will emerge!
End rant...off soap box.... I hope some of this helped...
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I too thought it might be a MLC but honestly I think he is just selfish and lazy. He has always has these signs but has taken it to a whole nother level. He used to at least try - now he just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He grew up as an only child and his mom did everythign for him and I think he just continues that now. He just doesn't do anything - he is very unmotivated unless it somehow benefits him directly.
We almost never have sex - the only time it happens is if he is drunk and it literally last two minutes and then he rolls over and goes to sleep (fun times!) I have been tested several times and as I said before he only got blow jobs from the prostitutes with a condomn on.
There is a porn block on his computer because I put it on there. this was before I found DB - but basically he was coming home from work and just looking at porn everyday and I thought maybe our sex life had more of a shot if he wasn't doing that. Also, he used to use those sites to meet and talk to prosistutes. There is not one on my computer because I didnt want to pay extra money for it again (its was $100). I actually dont really have a problem with porn but he took it to anotoher level that I couldnt handle.
He is in counseling now because after everything about the prosistues came out he thought he had a problem but basically the therapoist said on a "sex addiction" scale his is only "problematic" and they therapist feels that he basically likes to do aderanaline type activities and likes excitment. EX: drinking and driving; having an affair; contacting prositutes; doing cocaine. H has said several times "I just want to be excited" I think he felt like that during affair but what I have tried to say to him is that will fade. He doesnt get it.
He is definitely confused and has said so before - I do think he loves me but he is right that there isn't really any passion left. And I blame that on him - I am not the one that doesnt want to have sex, I am not the one that doesnt want to spend time together, I am not the one that doesnt want foreplay. He will sit there and blame me saying "what are we going to do about our sex life" - and I looke at him like, "are you serious?" I want to have sex. I want to "spice it up" (there are emails to the prostitues saying our sex life is boring") I have tried outfits, fetishes, etc - he doesn't respond to it at all.
I go to an endo doctor at the end of March so I'm hoping they will be able to help.
PCOS is basically more testosterone and often causes infertility. I already basically everything that you have below the weight just doesn't come off - its very common with PCOS. They have done studies with non-PCOS and PCOS people and alot of times people with PCOS are excersing and eating less than those in the non-PCOS study and still aren't losing weight. It's horrible because I want to lose it so badly. It makes me sick that he can't see that I'm trying - instead he just wants to leave.
I dont really agree that drugs are bad - I have had severe depression and the only thing that helped me was Zoloft. There is a drug called Mediformin tha tis supposed to help with hormone levels with PCOS.
The other thing I am confused about is there are certain situations that I dont know what to do. I am going to use the following as an example but things like this happen on a weekly basis. I also would like to add that I work 50+ hours a week and I also own a business (two jobs). My husband works 4 days a week (at night) for a total of 20 hours a week:
Made appointment for the dog to get a haircut and have yearly checkup. I asked husband if I dropped off dog in the morning if he could pickup from hari appt and take to vet appt (my husband works at night, I made appt for 2pm - I work during the day - since he is home I figure he can pick her up so I dont have to take off work). Anyway, he agrees.
The day of the appt comes and I wake up extra early to get her to her hair appt. I come home and start working (I work from home). At 1:45pm husband is still not awake (this is very typcial, now that I dont "bother" him he sleep or stays in our bedroom until 4 or 5pm); however he knew the dog had an appt . I ended up going up and waking him up and askinghim if was still planning to pick her up. He was late the appt but he got her. It just makes me so angry. Am I not even supposed to ask him to do things with 180? Should I have just gone to get the dog? He is just so lazy.
Another example: We had to have our carpets clean because my dog is not well housetrained. We are both to blame but it especially annoys me because my husband will just sleep all day and not take her out and she will go all over the carpets. Anyway, I set up the appt. I had to work very late the night before they were suppsoed to come (until around 11am). I asked him if he could vacuum while I was at work, pick up the dog poop under our bed (lovely, I know) becuase I wouldnt have time to do it before the carpet people came. I come home from work that night and he literally vacuumed a strip of carpet i our bedroom - our dog had recently destoyed a feather pillow and there were feathers still all under the bead, etc. Dog poop was still not picked up. due to 180 I did not say anything and proceeded to clean until 1am so our carpets could be cleaned. Is that what I should have done?
Does anyone understand now what I mean when I say I feel lik I'm being walked all over. I feel like with 180 I am just not supposed to say anything. But honestly I'm so sick of this [censored] - it happens all the time .
Does anyone understand now what I mean when I say I feel lik I'm being walked all over. I feel like with 180 I am just not supposed to say anything. But honestly I'm so sick of this [censored] - it happens all the time . _________________________
You are being a mother to him. Jr can't handle his chores so you jump in and fix it for him. Walked all over = Doormat. First step in not being a doormat is get off the floor. Next time don't do his responsiblilites for him, let him handle it.
He can't be attracted to you if you "mother" him. Change yourself and you change the dynamic.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The day of the appt comes and I wake up extra early to get her to her hair appt. I come home and start working (I work from home). At 1:45pm husband is still not awake (this is very typcial, now that I dont "bother" him he sleep or stays in our bedroom until 4 or 5pm); however he knew the dog had an appt . I ended up going up and waking him up and askinghim if was still planning to pick her up. He was late the appt but he got her. It just makes me so angry. Am I not even supposed to ask him to do things with 180? Should I have just gone to get the dog? He is just so lazy.
You asked the question so I'm going to answer it, NO you shouldn't have asked him to do anything. Nagging is not a 180 for you, you've probably asked him in the past to do things and he's probably disappointed you several million times, I can tell by the tone of your post.... "He is just so lazy". When you talk about someone like that, that is history speaking, not someone you just met the other day.
The dog appointments were all on you, you shouldn't have bothered asking him for anything. But you did, just to get him involved and what it did get you... more disappointment and anger because he's lazy.
It's like asking a zebra to remove their stripes, yeah sure, I'll do that right now.
