I'd like to butt in here in speak as a woman. Maybe a female point of view would be helpful.
Officer,
You have mentioned a few times that she has some legitimate complaints. You have made some mistakes in being a husband that you do feel sorry for. I see Allen's point on not being too soft where there was an emotional affair. But I also see OIN's remorse at having handled some situations badly in the past.
I don't know if those things have been genuinely apologized for. It's not right to just look at his need for her to be respectful of his position as husband. We also have to look at her need for a husband who will be understanding, and nice to her. As marital partners everyone's needs should be taken care of. In my mind, that is the first thing, she has to feel that he has shown adequate remorse for his mistakes and is genuinely committed to being a better husband. To do this, he should go see an IC or the FT on his own. To let his wife know that he will make a real effort to better himself. Also, he should consider taking an anger management class.
At this time, she is probably dealing with the loss of a fantasy that helped get her through her days. She is likely to feel sad and resentful that something that meant something to her has been taken away.
I wonder how many of the men on this board frequently compliment their wives on the things they do. Not just Officer in Need, but Allen, Maynard, and all the guys. At dinner, how often do you say, "That was a good meal. You are a good cook."? Or when she has worked, and taken care of the house, and the shopping, and the meals, how often do you say, "Thanks for doing the laundry, or the dishes, or cleaning the pots, the whole kitchen, taking the kids to their activities, getting the projects and the homework done", or whatever. I can tell you that I have sat in a room full of unhappy couples, and when asked to say something nice about their wives, many of the men could not say one sentence. They could not come up with one thing she did that was a good thing about her. It's a pretty shocking experience. The wives live with it everyday.
I'm not trying to start a debate on "Who is more critical, husbands or wives?". I am saying that a man who is interested in saving his marriage, ought to be saying nice things to his wife.
