As I would have expected, you have a real good handle on your trigger right now - FEAR. And you know, more than just intuitively, that it will lead you down a cheeseless tunnel.
I've seen the effects of my fear in my own sitch, and it NEVER has lead to any good results. What is fear? On some level, it is an instinct that has evolved within us to protect us from danger, obviously. But most dangers appear and vanish rather rapidly, huh? The problems start when we let the fear settle in and reside with us continually, even if just below the surface.
When feeling some fear creep up in me, I try to make my mind deal with the emotion logically, e.g. "are you going to die from this? what is it you really want, and is it realistic?"
Are you wanting your H to bound home one day and say, "Honey, I want to hold you in my arms forever...nothing bad will EVER happen to us and I will fulfill your every longing and desire!"
I know what you went through must have been devastating, and I honestly hurt for you over that. But you didn't die from it., and as evidenced by your wisdom and all of the respect you garner from so many on this board, you are certainly stronger and wiser from it.
Maybe now you need to go back to DBing 101 (hey, even pros never give up on working the fundamentals). It's about YOU! Dive inside yourself to find what will ultimately help you find peace, regardless of your circumstances, whether its religion, spirituality or whatever. FIND THAT SOURCE FOR YOU.
Then you will appreciate even more the progress you and your H have made, and fears for the present or future may not last nearly as long.
