new information from W : NOW WHAT, pro's please .

[Coach]

I've seen this happen with so many people, that it's something I find hard to believe people don't talk about more. It sounds like at some point, you became passive - not because you didn't have "nuts" - but because you started to abandon your adult responsibilities. If you wife asked where would you like to go to dinner and you told her, where ever you want, that would be great...exactly 50% of the time. But if in most of the times she asked what you wanted to do and you said "you pick, wifey" then she's got all the decision making responsibility.

Or if you asked how should we spend our money or discipline our kids or what movie do you want to watch. A lot of times, I see one spouse letting the other spouse make all the decisions bc they "want to be nice." Being nice is just code for no decision-making. After a while, the "nice" intentions become a burden. Why can't you decide where to go for dinner.

But let me clear. If has nothing to do as a man or woman.

It does, however, make it seem more a parent-child or teacher-child relationship. You forget to pick up the groceries or do something that causes a rift and she gets p.o.'d, then she has to "punish" you, like a parent would do to a child. For example, probably for the past 3 years, our oldest daughter loves all things Disney. On more than several occasions, I would ask my stbx-H to get the latest dvd or stop at the mall to get costume-dressy stuff, or things for her. And lots of times he forgot. In fact, the only way he seemed to understand how important it was when we had an argument about it. In a sense, I had to "discipline" him.


The reason I bring it up is the common thread in all the people I know who are divorcing or trying to save their marriage was that one person had assumed the adult role and the other seemed more like a child. This is not gender-specific, as in my cousin, who's a guy, did the same thing for his wife, like giving her an allowance and trying to fix financial messes she got herself into. She cheated on him. It makes perfect sense that you can't have that difference in power, esp. since a marriage is about two, adult people helping each other. If they aren't it's like wanting to date your teacher. Not hot for teacher hot...just NOT hot at all (think of the teacher looking like Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller's day off...your wife probably thinks you look more like him than the romantic partner she wanted).

Does this make sense to you. Again, there's a lot of good advice here - particularly the part of doing things to make yourself happy and satisfied, whether or not your wife approves of it or not.

I think we would agree until this:

It does, however, make it seem more a parent-child or teacher-child relationship. You forget to pick up the groceries or do something that causes a rift and she gets p.o.'d, then she has to "punish" you, like a parent would do to a child. For example, probably for the past 3 years, our oldest daughter loves all things Disney. latest dvd or stopOn more than several occasions, I would ask my stbx-H to get the at the mall to get costume-dressy stuff, or things for her. And lots of times he forgot. In fact, the only way he seemed to understand how important it was when we had an argument about it. In a sense, I had to "discipline" him.

Do you see how standing up and being a man he would tell you. "Wife, I love our daughter but I am not going to go by the mall every time you tell me to pick something up for her. If you want her to have something frilly then you are better suited to pick that out. I will pick something up for her that I want to get her that I know she will appreciate when I want to."

As a man I am pretty sure he didn't forget. He didn't want to pick those things up but lacked the tools to talk to you in a healthy way. You then feeling the need to "discipline" him (due to frustration on your part) further entrenched the dysfunctional dynamic. The key is having the awareness to recognize these behaviors then addressing them productively.

"Women want a man who will stand up for them, and usually that means Stand up to them" I totally agree - THAT'S what I needed from my H - and honestly will be the one thing I look for in my next relationship!!