Loved and Supported...

[sage]

Excuse me Sage, but do you think you might not be entirely happy because you dare not believe in your inner self that things have changed, that they are better, that as much as anything in life is ever finished this horrible episode in your lives is drawing to a conclusion? It may be that your H is picking up some subconscious fear...

A thousand times YES.

I realize that I may be wandering down a cheeseless tunnel so bear with me...

It's so much about the fear...that it's not real, that it can't last, that it will go away. And some of it is feeling without "ground beneath my feet" in reference to my m. and the vows and commitment that I made...when h and I decided to get m. we did it with the future in mind, right? We made statements and vows, etc. I feel untethered to those statements now. I don't know if he wants to be married to me (OK, maybe I do -- but it's not sinking in?), I don't know if he wants a family, what HIS picture of the future looks like, how he'd feel if I stated mine, how they'd mesh.

I know that life is uncertain and you can't really count on things happening the way that you think you want them to. But I still believe in INTENT.

I cried last night during "Friends" because there was a m. proposal as part of it...and I thought "I don't want to 'back into' recommitting to this m. I want it to be an overt decision".

I want us to state that we're tossing out the old and committing to the new.

I know, I know...patience, stay out of the cheeseless tunnel..

I'll grow to love the "actions" not "words" methodology...and we're living it every day!

I LOVE with every fiber of my being the results of the hard work that h has done, that I have done. I am truly, truly grateful. And I know I'll get to that point where I can truly relax and let go of the fear..I'm closer today than ever...

Sage