When you first find yourself here.

[1000ships]

I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB…not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.

I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.

Although, I laughed at that comment, I respectfully agree to disagree, Jack and I'll tell you why; someone always NEEDS to be here to help lead the way, IMHO.

Many people need to be here leading the ways…there are many ways. It is not about having a specific leader. Sometimes I stood at the head and marched forward. But then I stumbled with confusion, anger, frustration or even a sorry-for-myself sob and someone else was there to take my hand, give me a hug and guide me, someone I had been leading moments before.

Being a leader without having a leader within the other followers is a lot of pressure. Often people rest their hope on the leader…hope for their own situation with advice from a leader, but sometimes the groups hopes come to rest in the leader’s situation…rising and falling with the rollercoaster in which the leader rides—not driving it. Consider if now, Jack’s wife or BND’s husband began cycling heavily once again. What if Happy_Again went back to being Finally_Free? The pressure to hold everyone else up is too much. Leaders need leading and help leading. We are all followers, leaders and side-by-side hand-holders. Db’ing is a mutual effort.

Some posters seem wise on their first day here, as though they already have this amazing insight. I can think of only a few, but they were helpful because since they were in the throes of the crisis, they taught that wisdom, confusion and stumbling are not mutually exclusive.

I am seeing less of the company of peers supporting each other, and I am seeing more edicts from on high. I fall into that catagory.

I don’t read as often as I once did, but Jack, it never seemed to me that you flew so high as to melt waxen wings; you always brought yourself down with comments admitting you were ‘falling’ into that high category. I won’t accuse you of hubris.

I see more new people asking the 'success' stories directly for help, and if you haven't figured it out yet : ) that burns me a bit. It is dismissive of others who have put in hard time here been knocked around and are awesome people, who take the time to post to help...and to be willing able and capable of doing that, but to be overlooked by some noob's whacked concept of 'success'?

I understand it. I understand the neediness of it. What they don't understand is the feeling of being looked over.

You also do not understand that there is a certain ammount of pressure in being called out by name. You say, Jack or BND, or Pilot or Snodderly or HB look at this...

To each person, what if one of your favorite DBers began to post under a different account. The new-old DBer could dispense advice, but posters would pay less attention and give it less credibility without knowing the background of either situation or advice history.

What if Braveheart started a new account and immediately started controversial discussion topics, offending posters with his challenges? Some may presently be offended, but many are tolerant and even enthusiastic with Braveheart as they know him now because he has established an identity, thereby ‘earning the right’ to speak his mind a little more than someone who is as yet an unknown entity.

I meant boundaries with the OP.

Specifically?

"Me or him!"

Thats a no brainer to see how that will turn out.

Yes to boundaries in so much as "You will not sleep* with him in my bed while I'm in the smae room/house."

But a boundary with "Do not see him or I will walk away..."

Okay, I get it now. But isn’t that saying “No ultimatums” rather than no boundaries?

I learned here, in some cases from some of you, that there is little that you can do initially to help your situation...but there is LOTS you can do to do it further damage. That's what worries me about over there right now. Person after person is arriving shell-shocked and being told a) that their spouse is probably having an affair, and b) that they should tell them to stop the affair or get out.


All that kind of advice does is place both the burden and the focus on the wandering spouse.

I visited marriage builders a few years ago. I posted for only about a week. They were all about exposing the affair. Their reasonings have merit, but the posters themselves were confrontational…with the other posters who disagreed or did not follow their ‘holy advice.’ They acknowledged no exceptions and scoffed at me when I discussed MLC…and I’d already spent a few years over here on this board.

Different forums have different approaches, some of which are considered hard-and-fast rules. No Contact is a biggie in a few, but detachment is neglected…??? This DB-MLC forum is the forum that I found was most supportive to standing.

It's great to have experience around to support those beginning their journeys here, but there is a huge difference between being supportive and being addicted to the "high" of posting to people. Thats what God created a Psych degree for.

But maybe Jack and BND have found a calling in being here. MyTurnNow (MTN) posted awhile back (around the holidays?); she is now a professional coach I think. For a few this may become their passion.

For your information, it was ALWAYS my habit before NOT to read other people's answers before I posted my own.
Not that I think mine are better, but it was for good reason.
I learned this a long time ago..it is all a part of being an INDIVIDUAL.
Reading another's answers before answering with your own view, can have the tendency to "color" your perception, instead of really looking within for your OWN INDIVIDUAL answer; which may something different, but no less important than another's.

I do a bit of both. Sometimes I read a thread and post, other times I need to get my thoughts out without clouding my view. Both are valid…

I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB…not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.

I didn't know that requirement of coming back for awhile to help meant that I was supposed to be toting a diaper bag plus bottles and baby food! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!

HB,

While you said not to be offended, THIS was a truly callous and rude comment. Offensive to every single person on these boards. People are at all different stages here and if you really FEEL this way, maybe you should reconsider spending time here…

I thought this was odd…I read Cat’s comment and though, Oh wow, she’s right that does sound rude, how odd. SO I went back to HB’s post where I realized she was referring to something from Jack’s post…I must’ve missed it, so I reread Jack’s post. Then I got it. Had HB made the comment in the absence of Jack’s post, yeah it would seem rude, but given the earlier post I think we can follow it to its source.
But HB, you admit to not always reading all posts, maybe Cat04 didn’t read all of Jack’s or she unintentionally missed or forgot about the portion you were referencing.

I seem to have stumbled onto someone's territory, people think they are being "threatened"; that's ALSO the feeling I've gotten.... but the last time I checked Michelle owns this board, not any of you.

There are so many meanings there.

(plus I am most likely banned...again...after that schpeel)

And again…lather, rinse, repeat

Oh well…it’s been nice.

Seriously, this place has gone through storms.
But you know what doesn’t change…?
NEWBIES
People keep coming here for help. They read DR or DB or find a link and come here desperate for help. In the past posters have discussed going dark on the board and leaving when the rules change, but DB holds the newbies hostoage—kidding--but newbies will continue to come in and they need someone to greet them. Even if you cannot offer advice, support and hugs are still the best to help the quaking and the tears. This is the reason so many stick around.

HUGS