The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Sigh. Message from W delivered via D11. Apparently D11 was asking W again about us and W told her she's happier without me. W told her she was only stressed the last few weeks because of the play.

W told D11 sometimes one person loves another person more than the other. Funny, the first few years of the M I kind of took W for granted because I thought she loved me more than I loved her then it gradually turned around.

Anyway, D11 told me I should just give up and find the right woman for me. She looked really sad.

She said the "only thing" that makes W sad is how hard this is on D11 and D7.

How it came up was I was dropping the girls off and we were talking about how many nights they are with me and I said I'm hoping for 50/50. D7 then said "what about when you and mom get back together?" That's what triggered things for D11. She's really down about this.

[Gardener]

Sigh.

[Wholeagain]

((( CTH )))

[Gypsy]

Clinging...

It sounds like she already has her demands.. and it sounds like you're waiting for a 'wish more' list.

This is an incredibly painful time.. I hate remembering it. However, you know your line in the sand. You don't know if she's going to divorce you, but you DO know that she intends to take you to the bank AND take the kids, too.

Talk/email to your lawyer with your concerns. Fear or clinging hope can get in the way of action. Emails don't cost that much. And look at the big picture. It's better to know what you want rather than react to her list.

And by all means STOP having your daughter be or allow herself to be a go between. That is not her job and is not healthy for her. Take the parenting class and get if over with. I didn't believe in a divorce, but I was willing to do anything to understand how to best help my kids. The class is only as sad as you make it.

Get counseling, talk to the school counselor, read the books so you learn how to let the children be children, deal with their OWN fears and hurts instead of trying to 'fix' or take care of their parents.

And whenever you type 'sigh' pound your chest. It's a choice whether to feel overwhelmed or take action in your situation. What lesson are you teaching your precious daughters?

*hugs*

And I apologize if this sounds pro-divorce. To me it's just getting your ducks in a row.

[ClingingToHope]

I hear you gypsy. I just am not sure I'm ready yet to follow that advice.

I'm trying to get D11 to leave W alone. But they keep asking and I'm doing my best to answer their questions without involving them.

W still hasn't told them she's filed.

D11 already is seeing a school counselor and a personal one. W has taken her to that. The counselor and W talked after that. I don't know what was said. Funny, it was about this time last year that we had a great talk and big breakthrough. It was enough of a breakthrough that W told the girls' counselor that things between us were "good." The window in her heart closed about a week later for strange reasons.

I guess I feel I'm taking action in other areas -- just not the D areas. My summer second job with a company that puts on running races begins next weekend.

The Marriage Rebuilders class that I took last summer starts up again in two weeks. I've signed up to do it again not so much to learn everything over but for the one-hour discussion time after. It's therapeutic to have people going through the same thing.

OK. The spring cold still has me in its grasp. Time to get up and start moving.

[Drew]

CTH,

Gypsy said things along the same lines as what I was trying to get you to see on your own yesterday. To me, it seems like you spend a lot of time, at least here, worrying about what "might" happen or what she "could" be thinking.

I'm challenging you to stop projecting into the future, and live in the now. Stop worrying about her divorce wish list until you actually see it.

[ClingingToHope]

Drew, I'm trying but it's difficult. I've had to deal a lot with W the past two weeks because of the play and now the after school sitter issue.

Part of the worrying is because I usually deal with W so little. I read a lot of sitches where there's regular communication. Here, not much.

[awest1217]

The thing is that you need to make the most of the times you do see W. You need to be upbeat, positive, etc. You always try to avoid her. You will have to deal with being around her the rest of your lives so you need to come up with a strategy of being around her without getting down, which is something you had problems with when just separated. You really to work on focusing on just you.

It is ok when something comes up like W gives you the wish list (in my case H is about to decide where to live) or something similar happens to think about her and possibilities, but you haven't heard anything new in a while so during that time use it to focus on you and the girls.

[Drew]

Part of the worrying is because I usually deal with W so little. I read a lot of sitches where there's regular communication. Here, not much.

All the more reason to stop worrying about what she's up to. Focus on things YOU have control over.

What are you so afraid of?

[ClingingToHope]

Well, the proposal showed up today.

She wants physical custody, which in Illinois means I'd owe her $957 every two weeks (28 percent of my net income).

She wants to TAKE TIME away now that I have. Right now I have them every Wednesday night and then every other weekend. And I keep them Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

She wants me to return them at 6 p.m. on Sundays.

Also, I see them off the bus every day after school and stay with them for an hour. She told her L that I consider this an inconvenience, therefore she'd see them off the bus Mondays and Thursdays.

I, of course, never said that. I love that hour every day. I live for it.

I would be responsible for half daycare expenses. I would not have to chip in on insurance premiums (one caveat for me).

Here's a good one. Her L valued my car at $13,000 and I owe $9,000 so since her car is paid off and worth $4,000, that's a wash.

Hardly, mine is a 20007 Dodge Caliber and it's worth $6,000. I have a $226 monthly car payment and she has $0.

On the retirement side, he did not include her pension, which is about $25,000 and can be split up through a QDRO.

Ah, the kicker. She would agree that I have no financial responsibilities towards the house as long as I took on the responsibility of paying for the $16,000 credit card debt that she ran up inside of three years.

Whooooooooooo. Deep breath.

I'm trying to get in to see my attorney ASAP.

I know you aren't supposed to put specifics out there, but my paycheck is $1,400 every two weeks because I have money taken out for my car payment and a 401(k) loan I took out to pay off marital debt. That check will go down to about $1,340 because I'd be responsible for my own insurance. I'm on hers.

After handing over $485 for child care and $75 in daycare, I'd have $770 left. Her paycheck is $1,500. She'd have $2,070.

Wow. This is playing for keeps.