In my case, it is hard for me to imagine a time when I feel no more for Dan than I would for a neighbor or a co-worker. You know, you have a general concern for their well-being but it doesn't affect your daily life and you don't spend much time thinking of them.
And the thing is, I am coming at this from a different angle than a lot of people on this board. My ex and I aren't at each other's throats. There are no restraining orders, no facebook confrontations with OWs or in-laws, etc.
I noticed at my parenting class this weekend that most of the parents there had an adversarial view of their exes. The goal was for them to work at cooperating and being civil/businesslike for the kids. The leader said something about, "Eventually for the kids it would be great if you could both attend sporting events, conferences, etc." without tension/drama. Most of the parents just laughed and did the whole "yeah, right" thing...
We have the opposite problem. Granted things were quite tense when we were living together in KC and I knew he was also with OW. But since moving up here and him moving out, we have gone to the movies together, gone out to dinner together, taken the kids to see Santa together,etc etc. Even the Disney trip together last June!
However that was not a healthy connection, I am learning more and more. Because the extent to which we 'connected' was entirely dependent on Dan. When he wanted together time, we had it. When he wanted to be left alone, he was. He was getting just enough of his needs met with no regard for mine. And I was totally complicit in that, I admit.
Now for the past two months there have been NO family outings of any kind. He hasn't even been to church so we haven't sat together there. That is 90% my doing, I told him I didn't want him in the house hanging out anymore.
The thing is, I know if I wanted to change things I could. If I were open to it, I am sure we could do movies, dinner, etc together again. But it would not be good for me. Because I know it would mean nothing to him in terms of our relationship, but it would send confusing messages to the kids.
So I don't really know what I am working toward with him at this point. We did the 'friendship' thing and I allowed that to hurt me with my own expectations. I don't want to do the enemy thing either. So I need to strive for "co-parent" and leave it at that.
Thanks for letting me ramble, I had a point but don't know what it was....
