Hey guys,

Pam -- I'm gonna show up at the party when I figure out what the heck my costume is!

Positives:
1. h had study group last night. I was actually feeling in a bit of a funk before he got home but was feeling better by the time I picked him up at the train. He said "you can kiss me but don't hug me" when I first saw him...why? Cause he had bought me and stashed in his pocket a whoopie pie. What a cutie! (and it was GOOD! But I DID share!)

2. When we got home, h said " I need to give and get the greatest, my beautiful wife is an incredible support system, hug". It was wonderful to hear but also I truly let myself relax into his words and his hug!

3. h had a 30 second mini-rant of anger this morning (not at me!)

Now you may be wondering...how is that a positive?

Well...this will unfold more in some upcoming posts (I have to get thru the hell of my work week + bury some ghosts!) but one of the things that I've been struggling with a bit this past week was h's statement of "you still don't seem happy" (said during the convo last weekend). You KNOW if you've read my threads that I've taken on a lot of the "our m. pre-affair was screwed up" responsibility...I've worked on my anger, my control issues, etc. And to hear h say a sort of redux of LAST YEAR's convo "you're still not happy" was alarming...and it kind of made me sad...and kind of made me mad (why is it always phrased in re. to MY feelings -- how about saying "I feel uncomfortable/angry/sad/mad because you seem unhappy"? or even more pointedly "are you unhappy about something?")

Anyway...when h had his mini-rant this am -- it was just a brief burst of anger -- it reminded me that HE has changed so much, too, even if HE can't or won't see it. Fact is...he USED to be angry too, he used to be more sullen, more moody, more withdrawn. Yah, I'm sure it was a product of a cycle we had created (i'm mad so you get mad so I get madder, etc) but it just wasn't all about ME. And it's STILL not all about me...yes, there IS still an undercurrent of sadness/unhappiness for me sometimes -- and I understand many of the reasons for it (healing, feeling like hands were tied getting h's help with it, etc) and I think that it's pretty clear that h is more than willing to take some steps inward to help with that...but the simple truth is that even THAT is a product of a cycle between us....it's NOT just something that I've created.

I'm not sure this makes any sense to anyone but me.

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.