My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[lolawar]

After the 2nd time I found the A was still carrying on..he referred to the OW as his girlfriend. what? You are a married man...you cannot have a girlfriend!!!! High school is right..my H would have the OW copy him on emails sent to her xbf because he thought she was lying to him. The OW ended up inviting her xbf to an amusement park with her so that he would carry her bags. My H didn't talk to her for a few days. This is a mature relationship.

Don't let him bait you. If he is going to file..he is going to file. There is no need to throw it in your face unless he is looking for a reaction. Don't give him one. I sometimes felt that my H was waiting for me to just throw in the towel so that he can continue on with life and A without feeling like he made a decision he will regret later on. It was MY decision instead.

It doesn't sound like your H is done. If he was done..he would just be done.. no need for your permission or to even discuss it with you.

On my post..I mentioned something about my H hurting me.. and one of the responses was 'Don't let him hurt you'. You can have control over this.

[awest1217]

Nicole, you are doing great! Everything you are feeling is completely normal and natural to feel and it is great to let it all out on here so you can get advice from all the amazing people who have been through the same thing as you. Keep up the good work. Listen to what lolawar said about finding something else to do when you feel like contacting H. I have made the mistake, early in the process and I did not find DB until H had left for 6 months and as I have said before this is years of the same behavior, of contacting H when he got quiet, and it just hurt me more because many times he would not respond or he would ignore my calls, even when they were important things about S being sick or learning something new (I have an adorable 2 year old son).

Staying quiet and letting him come to you is the first steps. You also need to change your schedule. I had friends come over every Wednesday night to watch a show we all enjoyed. Their son and my son are best friends so it was enjoyable for everyone. Those were my favorite nights, but it could only last during the summer, but I am looking forward to continuing the tradition this year as well. Finding anything to change up what you did so you don't think about H as much will help.

Keep up the good work!

[nicole8]

I hope lolawar is right that my husband isn't done. I just don't want the divorce process to begin and I think she might be right that he is trying to bait me.

However, my husband is very slow at anything he does, and he has been saying he thinks we need a divorce for the better part of 6 months... (part of the depression I believe is his low motivation level with everything in his life). However, he seems pretty motivated anytime it comes to spending time with the OW. So is he finally getting motivated to file for divorce? Has he had enough? That is the question of my life right now. AHHHH so high school! Does he really even have depression or has he figured out that he can use the depression as an excuse?

Also, still interesting to me is the fact that when I talked to him on Sat night he said that he wasn't coming home for awhile.... So does he realize his fantasy can only last until the OW leaves for the other side of the country? Is he trying to have as much fun in his fantasy as he can with me just waiting?

I really am just so confused, frustrated and fed-up. I do love my husband and our life we have together. I realize our life isn't the most exciting but we have everything, more than most people in this world. I am thankful for that.

I still believe the OW is using my husband for a friend/companion until she leaves....maybe she is leading him on that it can be more. I don't know. But it does make me smile that I believe he is being deceived. Really is she going to carry on a long distance relationship with a man 10 years older who is going through a divorce and lives with his mom. I don't know maybe she will. But I highly doubt it. I am pretty sure school is going to be more important and consume a great deal of her time.

Again, just venting and it does feel so good to vent. I am working hard to do things other than being consumed with thinking of what he is doing. Just really hard.....

[nicole8]

ok question everyone or anyone willing to give advice. I need to give my husbands Mom some money (I sold something for her on ebay). She loves me and I would like to see her to give her the money. However, I am thinking I should maybe avoid her also. In a normal marriage I would just ask my husband to drop the check off to her when he visited next..... but this isn't a normal marriage at the moment that I am aware of. So what should I do.

Should I call her and ask if I can drop it by (when I know my husband won't be there), should I mail it to her and avoid her also? HELP... don't know what to do. I would actually like to stop by and see her and talk with her, but I feel this is probably pursuing through his Mom.

Thoughts?

[CityGirl]

Maybe give your MIL a call and let her know you have the money from the eBay sale. Perhaps put the ball in her court and ask her if she preferred you drop the check in the mail or if she has a bit of time you would love to meet for coffee. That way you aren't going to the place your H is staying. If you do meet, steer clear of any talk about your H.

[lolawar]

I have had a different experience with my H family. We have been in contact every few days since this whole thing started. My friends cautioned me about carrying on a relationship with them considering their allegiance is ultimately with their brother/son. But his family is concerned about him too..so we keep eachother posted. I am careful not to reveal too much to my H about my contact with his family..although he knows we are still close. (went to his sister's baby shower, went to the hospital when his sister's baby was born, been to lunch with his mom several times, still on all emails that are sent to the family).

I guess it really depends on what kind of relationship you had with them prior to this whole ordeal. My H family knows everything that is going on and provides me with nothing but support. This was the case from when I first found out about his A. If you were close with his mother..give her a call and ask to meet her somewhere. See if she brings anything up..and then go from there. You don't want to have R talk with his mother if she doesn't want to hear anything. (agree with citygirl) Wait for her to initiate.

My H family told my H that they would never accept the OW...they would respect the fact if he decided to end his marriage...but under no circumstances will the OW ever be allowed in their homes or lives. It made me feel good. They are ashamed that my H has behaved this way...usually to tears.

[awest1217]

Lolawar-it is awesome that H's family is supporting you and has said they will not allow OW in their house. My in-laws are supportive, but are in denial about the EA, and have even gone on a trip with OW.

Nicole - I would agree with the others. Call your MIL and ask what she would have you do, but do not bring up H unless she asks and be careful what you say because she is his mother and although she may not agree with what he is doing, she still loves him so tread cautiously, but answer questions if asked and don't keep MIL out of your life.

[nicole8]

Good words of advice.... thanks guys. I will call my MIL. I konw that she loves me and is upset that my husband is thinking divorce. However, she loves him and wants what is best for him and what will make him happy.

I do think she is ignoring the fact that he is still depressed and a divorce isn't really going to solve anything. She is a nurse and it is very interesting to me that she doesn't see that. She is such a smart woman yet when it comes to common sense things she sometimes isn't on the ball. Love her though.

Another reason she may not be saying anything to him is the fact that my husband does also treat her in the same way he does me with his cranky, irritable moods. You just don't feel like saying anything to him, because whatever you say it is wrong and he is going to be pissed for a bit about it.

She knows that he complains of a "lump in his throat" and has even said that it is from anxiety/depression. I wish she would read my book. I don't think I will bring anything up, I am going to go over and act as if I am super busy and on my way to do something with friends. If she asks questions or says anything I will see where it goes.

I don't know if she knows of the OW....but I can only imagine if she did that she would be very upset with her son. Although, she would probably not want to make him mad either because she doesn't want him to not talk to her. The drama gets thicker.

DBURT- I have a question.... please be gentle with me. It really feels like my not contacting the husband, I am ignoring him and now his world is perfect. He is living at his moms and she does everything for him, he can come and go as he chooses and now I am not on his case asking about stuff (or not talking about/ignoring our relationship as he says). Isn't this exactly what he is looking for. I'm just so confused and frustrated. I know I need to not contact him so that he can see what being divorced will be like, but come on. He has the perfect set up over there. It's like he went back to highschool. Maybe his mom could take him shopping for some new school clothes too!

Sorry, just ranting again. It does feel good.

[awest1217]

It seems to you like he has everything, but you don't know what is really happening and at some point his mom is not going to like having her grown son living with her. Yes it is fun for a while because she has her boy back, but she will soon realize that it is embarrassing to have your grown son living with you.

Just let everything play out. He will realize life is not greener where he is, but it takes time for the green to show its true colors if you know what I mean.

[nicole8]

awest- thanks. You are right that things aren't greener where he is at. His mom does love having her son around. However, when he is there she will have 40 million things for him to do and complete around her house. Which he doesn't mind doing, but when she constantly nags him about it....he gets super annoyed, irritable and grumpy

I just need to realize that if he does file for divorce it really isn't the end. It is just part of the process to a reconciliation or divorce. I just am having such a hard time not being in contact...I miss my friend. But then again he hasn't been the most pleasant person lately so I don't miss that. I guess what I mean is that I want the space ship to come back to planet earth.

My new motto is:

Expect the worst and hope for the best!