feel like giving up - pt 2

[jasper67]

I must say tat this ordeal had initially cost me my Faith in G-d...I figured if He were there, something like this couldn't happen to anyone. I understand that His plan is likely very diff. than mine, so I'm attempting to roll w/ it.

It's also allowed me to view things not nec. in black and white, but in this case the diff between Good and Evil-

self seeking, selfishness, cheating, lying, etc = EVIL

humility, selflessness, honesty, integrity, self improvement=GOOD

I too look for a sign- I figure that thus far my attempts at control or also "self-will" is not helping, so time to get out of my own way.

Keep praying, I will too!!!

[luvless]

Thanks Maynard - good points and the very things I've been thinking too. I've learned some serious lessons here...I have!

[talia]

Luv...
I'm reading "How Can I forgive you" by the same person who wrote "After the Affair" its helping me ALOT to deal with forgiving... perhaps it could help you too???

Just remember - you probably aren't going to see a burning bush... take the signs for what they are... not what you THINK they should be!

T

[luvless]

Thanks for that Talia..

Hi guys...feeling pretty sick this morning but wanted to mention a couple things. H has been coming home on time consistently and hasn't been on his BB very much. Who knows the reason why..can't guess with him but it can't be good.

Living life in limbo is the story. We are just going through the motions. I read a text he sent to his divorced friend that said, "things have been up and down..while gone it's cool when home it aint. Time is near." This tells me a lot. It tells me he has no intentions of making this work.

So you guys I feel like giving up (perfect title for my thread huh?) I just feel my H is too far gone and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I need to do what I've been avoiding and file for my own protection. I need a new plan because being nice doesn't work! he is just taking advantage of me.

[luvless]

Ok you guys I'm done feeling bad about my situation I'M DONE. I just finished reading "stop your divorce" from Homer Mc Donald. It took me all damn morning to finish it cuz I'm sick but I finished it.

What kind of person am I that I am telling my H that I'm a pea brain for wanting him? I'm going to pull away and be happy. I'm gonna stop whining about my cheating husband who has no respect for me!

Robx I was totally thinking about you. You are right about dealing head on with REALITY. I'm going to face reality and go with it not go against it.

As they say...don't try this at home

[luvless]

Hello from No More Mrs. Nice Luv....

H came home late last night of course. There was a charge on the account for what I'm sure was the homewreckers dinner at a vietnamese restaurant.

He has been raising his voice to me and I told him to stop talking me in that tone. He comes near me and I move the hell away. He asked me to go the car wash so we went and took both cars. When they were done he said, "do you want me to wait for you?" I said, "if you want."

He has tried to raise his voice at me several times and I told him in a mean tone to stop talking to me like that. I've walked away from him and have been ignoring him (just for a bit cuz I'm mad) but he changed his attitude pretty quick.

We have to paint daughter's room and I usually help (were great painters) but don't know if I'll help him. I'm still pretty damn sick but at least I can walk around today. If he asks I'll say, "if you talk to me in one bad tone I'm not helping."

He went to the market to get himself some beers and asked me if I wanted any. I have been being kinda mean since last night. I'm sick of him. I feel like I don't care what happens. I can't watch my p's and q's anymore and my F's are definately gonna come out.

I'll try to calm down and not be too mean. Go ahead and give me lashings they won't even hurt ha!

[4luv]

Luv,

I am not sure if the advice I am going to give you is DB or not. with that said, if you want your marriage to be saved I suggest that you and your husband go see a family therapist (FT). You both are having trouble communicating. You are mad at him (rightfully so) and he is probably mad at you (rightfully so). The best thing for you two to do at this moment instead of being mad at each other is to work on communication. I ONLY suggest this to you because your husband hasn't REALLY threatened divorce and he has shown that he is willing to try at certain points based on what you have written.

So, set up an appointment with a Family Therapist. At this point you can go alone or invite your husband. If your husband doesn't want to go, THEN you STILL go alone. You BOTH are gonna drive each other away. But you are the one on this board so you need to be the one to lead the way.

Don't complain too much about the injustice of what your husband has done. You are COMPLETELY right about the way he has treated you and its not right, BUT YOU have to drive the ship. Being mad at him is not gonna do much good in saving your marriage, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU STILL WANT.

[luvless]

Well 4luv he has threatened to leave many times these last few months and in a very ugly manner. I don't believe he'd go to counseling and I personally wouldn't go unless it was a big name counselor we are too far gone here.

Update from last night you guys was terrible. We were painting daughter's room and he was drinking some beers. The beers turned into vodka. I asked him to stop and so did kids - he wouldn't. He started saying really ugly things to me. I said, "why are you drinking so much?" he says, "because I don't love my wife." Now that hurt.

He hadn't touched his BB all day except later at night and he starting texting that other person. I asked to stop texting in my home. He started saying some mean things to me about how his dad didn't like me the first time he met me blah blah.

He started saying, "I should just kill myself" and then said, "oh well you won't care cuz you aren't the beneficiary." We have a very large ins policy and I've always been the beneficiary. I thought that comment was interesting. I wonder if he changed it.

He can't find his BB and is pissed so he threatens to leave and I say, please go...let me help you get your stuff. He didn't drive (cuz I asked him not to) he walked down the street and came back 10 mins later. Are you getting tired yet?

He comes in and I say come here and down lets talk. What is wrong with you? Why are you behaving this way? You are upsetting me and the kids. He complained about how he does everything for everyone and nobody gives a sh*t about him blah blah.

Here's where it gets good. He looks into my eyes and he smiles (he has always told me he loves my brown sparkly eyes) I know!! anyway....he puts his hands on my face and starts asking me what do I want? I said I want Mr. Luv back I don't know who you are. He is saying some very provocative things to me and asks if he can see my boobs (his fav) I am rejecting him and pulling away saying this is not right. He says, "see? why are you pushing me away you don't want me?"

I am totally freakin perplexed at this moment. All I have is Gno telling me in my head he's just gaslighting you and I thought about that the whole time. He tried for over and hour! I tried to keep quiet because of the kids but I could not believe his persistance. He made some serious comments about how he enjoyed me sexually blah blah. I'm being vague because I can't even tell you guys how explicit the things he was saying.

Then after all that he was gonna go to the couch...visibly drunk. I said, "why don't you just sleep here (the kids were very upset and they were on the couch) he said, "remember 20 yrs ago I told you if you put me on the couch I'm never coming back." Whatever. I've put him on the couch a couple times and he came back.

Anyway....I have to tell you. I deserve a heavyweight belt for the emotional abuse fight I had last night. I've never been more torn and hopeless about us.

I have lost my H forever.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"things have been up and down..while gone it's cool when home it aint. Time is near." This tells me a lot. It tells me he has no intentions of making this work.

what this tells me, is that nothing is changing.

luv, I still, and have always felt, you had a huge amount of hope in your sitch compared to most. However, things never totally changed.

I wish I could do something for you luv so that you could open your eyes and see from the outside what is going on, or some magical pill that would give you the ability to know what to do and do it. I'm sorry. I know this is the hardest thing ever.

Unless you truly receive the strength that comes from God only, you might as well quit. It may be the only thing that you can do.

I have never given this advice, but I don't think you will ever heed everything fully, and it has obviously gotten to another point. Although I think the convo last night could have been good just because he was opening up, even though it wasn't things you wanted to hear, but communication has been a big problem with you guys.

so. whatever you do, you really must do the same things. you still need to GAL in a healthy way, you still need to humble yourself and learn the things that YOU are not doing right as a person, and as a christian person, and you need to start loving yourself as a person, forgive you and him (otherwise you will never move on in a healthy way), and you need to start enjoying and loving your life and loving other people unconditionally.

If you want to quit, then you still do the above, and you need to be as calm as possible to your H. I think it would be good to tell him that you have listened to him that he doesn't love you anymore, and that you are not happy either and that perhaps you should separate for a trial basis and go from there.

or...what is YOUR plan?

[luvless]

ST - maybe I'm just bad at communicating what is going on here at home. I see no hope especially lately. Things are stagnant and there is not a hint of him wanting to make it better. I know it's probably left up to me but he is too far gone.

What do you do when someone says they don't love you anymore? I mean come on. I have just been praying because that's all I believe can work. A little DB'ing but that really doesn't work well with him anyway. He sees any of that as me being distant and not caring.

Last night really made me think if I wanted to be married to this person who could think or act like this - even for a couple months time. I need to put him out of his misery because he won't do it for himself.

I'm living with a stranger and I want him out of my house.