still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[jasper67]

EXCELLENT-

Keep journaling your goals and results and see what works or what doesn't...make it a science!!

[courageous wife]

You are doing good NM!

[newmama]

ok just a quick thought before WH comes over-

I see the value of making goals but if I "want WH to come over early" and he doesn't but turns out he starts sending me longer texts, then does it mean that he isn't responding to me because he didn't come over early? see what I mean?

HIS LLs* are acts of service, affection, admiration, so I think my goals should be connected to that.

IF WH is responding to my actions, THEN he will show in the following ways... goals related to increase of his LLs.

What do you think???


and mine are affection and conversation and admiration.

[mindfull]

Newmama -

I have to think about this, but "wanting H to come over early" seems like an odd goal. But, hey, it's not my goal!!! My thinking is, that, if he is expected at a specific time, then I'm sure he shows up then, but when he's been there, around you, and COULD linger longer, it's an easier extension of time, because he knows what's going on in the house then, if you're welcoming to him staying, etc...

Just my thoughts!!!

You're doing great, girl!

[newmama]

WH just said "you can take my clothes out of the closet and put them in a bag if you want or need more room. I must obviously not need them if I can leave them there!"

I said "mmm."" and went back to my lap top.
fuuuuuuuuuk!

[newmama]

but he also said "you know if you want to get a small TV to put in the front room so you can work out, then I can get you another DVR box that has hi def playback"
(randomly said this)

when he brought up the clothes I was talking about giving away a bunch of baby stuff.

Guess I should tell him HE could bag his own stuff! But I don't need him in MY bedroom.

I will not be discouraged- he could have been "testing" me or something.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I did take him for granted by talking too much to my friends on the phone when we were just hanging out after work. He would complain about it from time to time then say "well it is up to you. If you want to, then do it." If he was complaining about it, then my thought is this is one of his top 5LLs and it's something you can be aware of for the future

WH had a work trip with OW and others following my surgery (it was only about 3-4 weeks before we could ML again). It was during this work trip that he got to know OW better.
it doesn't matter what happened during that time, it only matters what you do now to help restore your future. A's happen because peoples needs aren't being met inside the M, and they aren't able to communicate that effectively to their spouse and thus the OP comes in and fills it for them and then the WAS has been deceived and his mind clouded. And at some point their eyes will open, when, is the key, and DBing will help open their eyes much much faster.
So March 2009 WH told me that I did nothing wrong, he was confused, he never expected to meet someone like OW, he was more attracted to her than anyone ever, seemed to have forgotten our first couple of years together I guess, ESPECIALLY the first year! lol.
This part is a lie. They think that they have just never found the right person because during the season of lacking needs and being unhappy, this new person becomes that temporary fill and so all they can see is that the "old" person wasn't the right person and that everything was miserable and this new person must be the right person because they are only living on their feelings. That is the lie that Satan tricks us with. and yes, you are right, he is forgetting the good times because he has been so caught up with his own hurt. So don't believe this.
But he said I was great at giving him enough admiration and we got along great. He said he wished I was able to wrestle around more (WTF? understand your frustration, but I think he's just looking for a more confident playful you. what were you like when you guys were dating? and that I was attractive, he just was not attracted to me anymore and he didn't know why. (I had lost 35 pounds after my surgery, but then got pregnant. But when I was overweight we still had a healthy sex life. I think he lost his attraction because he had started seeing OW-- THAT is why he was not attracted to me!)
he's lost attraction for you because his needs weren't being met (and that's not just your fault, that is his fault too for not telling you in a way you could understand and heed, and I know he wasn't meeting your needs either) But most importantly, I have a feeling that you are not attractive to yourself. Granted, you went thru surgery and pregnancy, not things that would help a woman feel attractive. But regardless, we MUST love ourselves, and believe in ourselves and take care of ourselves. This, is so important in our R's with our men. When we lose confidence and love for ourselves, how can we expect our H's to love us? they cannot. and in addition, we will not be able to love others as we should either.

I definitely was not the most domestic so I have been working on that over the last 11 months pretty much. I still don't like to clean but I don't like it now when the house is not clean. BETTER YET I LOVE TO COOK NOW! And always will.
this is great!!!

Neither of us were good at telling the other when we were unhappy or upset...I think I had the issue of worrying about being rejected by him if I expressed a need (this had nothing to do with HIM- it is my insecurity) and I don't know why he didn't tell me what he needed.
he was fearful as well. I believe that is the most common culprit, we are afraid to hurt the other person, or of what they will think of us. Learn to get past your fear and learn to be compassionate towards you H's feelings so that when he is able and willing to share with you his true feelings, you will not take offense, but instead will learn and try to better yourself. I have to work on this one too, as it's so so easy to become defensive when people share their feelings of hurt or displeasure.


By the way. I am comforted to hear that if we R, it will be like dating again! But haven't you had a tough time dealing with anger and grief during your reconciliation?

actually, because of God, I forgave him the day I figured out he had slept with OW. Of course there was still anger/sadness, but because I really worked on myself, and learned that I cannot rely on my H to make me happy, that is MY job and my job with God, I was able to get thru it much easier. I'm not saying it was a breeze, but I guess when we were back together, we were MORE together than we were before. We have had more fights, but that's because we are actually speaking out now instead of ignoring our feelings, but that's a good thing. I am SOOO grateful for what God put me thru, he showed me so many things that I would have never learned had I not gone thru my sitch.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I see the value of making goals but if I "want WH to come over early" and he doesn't but turns out he starts sending me longer texts, then does it mean that he isn't responding to me because he didn't come over early? see what I mean?

your most likely not going to get all of your goals met, but just having some of them met are a good thing. him texting you more is definitely a good thing! So just because he doesn't do something on your list, doesn't mean your going in the wrong direction...and I agree with mind on that too, it's if he stays later, not comes earlier that I would look at.

I will not be discouraged-

GOOD FOR YOU!!! and the clothes comment, he may just be trying to be nice so that you can have more room if he knows your getting rid of some things. Don't take too much into that, he could have asked for it all back and IMHO that would have been worse.

hey, what type of GAL things have you been doing? and things to better yourself? you mentioned cooking and cleaning house better (have you rearranged furniture, or painted, or changed things up? that's a great thing to do. what hobbies are you doing for yourself? spring break is coming up, you should be off right?? any plans??

[newmama]

Saint, I am really really grateful for your help!! I totally am feeling discouraged today (what goes up must come down) and your encouragement is good.

Don't take too much into that, he could have asked for it all back and IMHO that would have been worse.

Do you mean all of the stuff he has left? Ok I was freaking out for a minute.

hey, what type of GAL things have you been doing? and things to better yourself? you mentioned cooking and cleaning house better (have you rearranged furniture, or painted, or changed things up? that's a great thing to do. what hobbies are you doing for yourself? spring break is coming up, you should be off right?? any plans??

Oh and I don't consider cleaning to be GAL! haha

I have been home this whole school year! So for GAL I have done the following:
-joined some meetup.com groups for wine tasting, and single parent group (just avoid the dating activities)

-started taking classes for belly dancing and pilates (need to sign up for next trimester!)

-dieting and working out

-watching new shows

-taking S to baby classes

-got a wii (used) and started playing Super Mario Bros ( a friend of mine got me interested!)

-planting flowers in pots on my deck (on my to do list today- will post pics on FB!)

-doing hair and make up (tomorrow have a hair appt!- will post pics on FB)

-bought different style blouses than before (with patterns)

-bought new pretty underwear and bras, pajamas

-am building a toy box for S (but breaking news! WH offered to help!)

As far as rearranging the furniture, not interested! But I have put up new framed photos of S, daddy and S, mommy and S, bought new couch pillows, some candles...
whenever I see something that I think would look good in the house I get it if it is on sale!

[newmama]

Ok so I was just asking WH if he thought I could buy another board for the toy box so that I could make it bigger.

Well, just as someone suggested long ago, HE OFFERED to build it! He said "I think I should build it and you can stain it and get the letters (for S' name- I told him I wanted to do that), and I can add a border to the top of the lid and we could out a pillow on it to serve as a bench."


Now the clothes in the closet comment...he said if I needed more room I could bag his clothes up. To me, this sounds like he is not thinking of moving his clothes back in some day!

BTW I need to be close by to WH (within ear shot) today because he can't lift anything heavier than 15 pounds until tomorrow.
Just want to explain why I am hanging out around the house!