I've not spoken to W since Monday. She calls but I let it go to VM.
I dropped off some extra groceries for S8 at FIL house last night. I put them on the outside step. W called, (sent to VM) asking if I was the one who did it. I didn't call back.
In a previous conversation W stated she would like to remain friends no matter how this turns out. I have said I can not be friends with someone who treats me this way. You would not treat any of your other friends like this. This was the same conversation that included my no OP boundary.
I would like to write her a letter. I like the way robx spins a good "I deserve better, your loss" letter.
I know I have to move on without her. I have to let her go. I can't let what she is doing drag me down. I DO deserve to be treated better. I don't want to get a divorce. If she is not willing to see what she is doing is wrong, there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Do I still want her back? You bet. It is the hardest thing I have had to wrap my brain around, to let someone you love and cherish go so easily. I’m a damn good husband, father, and man. Someone will see that.
I have to protect my son. W is not a bad mom. Because of her work schedule she can’t go out on the weekends. If anything I’m the one going out too much. I feel her recklessness comes from her not seeing this marriage is worth saving. Her thinking this will have no ill affect on our son. Blowing thru money like it grows on trees. Telling everyone how crazy I am. She thinks I am going to harm/kill myself, her, the XOM?, our son, or any combination of that. I have only ever threatened to do anything to myself, and I was having a bad reaction to the situation she put me in. I know I would not do that now.
I know I need to stand up for myself more often. My problem is when to do it. I’m so used to the way things were I have been desensitized to knowing the right and wrong time and things to stand up for.
I am not known as a guy without “nuts”. Most people would say I am a mans man. In fact our early R problems where because I was too much of a man. I had learned to dial it back.
I am so hurt by what she is doing. I need to detach. She is toxic to me.
Is it too early to compose and send such a letter?
I don't know if it's the AD meds starting to work but I am starting to not care. It also feels like my love for W is fading. I don't like this feeling. I have not had a break down for at least two weeks now. I don’t cry everyday, but I am still very sad. Anytime I see her, talk to her, look at a picture, or even here her name, I get butterflies. I miss our life very much.
This will be the only week she will have time to move forward with divorce work. She starts night school next week. It lasts two months. That should buy me some time.
I have IC today at noon. I’m not sure what to talk about. This will be my third session. I thought I would be there to fix myself, but I get more advice here. C doesn’t think I’m messed up like my W does. I don’t know what I should be discussing if I don’t know what is wrong. It’s good to have someone to talk to, but I’m paying for more than that.
Sorry for bouncing around. My head is getting quite full.
I am open to any suggestions. You have all been so helpful. Thank so much.
