The tunnel of darkness

[DiamondGirl]

My H was actually shocked that I was upset when he left. He thought that I would be happy he was saving us both from the "loveless marriage".

He also told me the 5 years before our wedding day that we were together that we were just "hanging out".

[kjensen]

Well,
I think I posed the question awhile back-wondering how the MLCer suddenly sees the world more 'realistically'..how does one shift from talking themselves into seeing one reality(which their spouse does not see) then switch to seeing the 'real' situation (the one the spouse does see)?

I think the answer I got was that for the MLCer its a gradual awakening. Someone let me know if thats not what they've seen or understood.

I find it hard to wrap my brain around, but maybe that will change. I think for me its the same issue I had the most difficulty with in the beginning here-the rewriting of the history. To hear it from my best friend (H) definitely made me question my reality and my memory.

Currently it makes me question my perception of situations-wondering if I have a very skewed vision and lots of filtering going on...but I think its him and his perception that is skewed-most of the time!

[trustingfaith]

KJ - I have been thinking about that awakening thing, too. Since everything in MLC takes so long, it makes sense that that would too. And honestly, if I were "waking up" and seeing all the damage I had done, I think I would run and hide for awhile longer, too.

I have had my moments of wondering if I was the one who didn't remember things correctly, too, but I don't think so. I do hate that feeling that my H thinks I am horrible, that we were never happy, etc. Frankly, I have no idea what he thinks these days about us/our past. If he is starting to remember the truth or not.

That depression must color everything. I don't suffer from depression in general but I know days that I have felt down and hopeless through this nothing seems good and it is hard to see the positives. I can't imagine how hard it is to find anything good when your whole world feels bad.

You sound like you are doing well for the most part. How is work? Is the new job going well? How are the girls?

[Cyrena]

KJ, to answer your question, awakening for the MLCer is much like it is for anyone else coming out of a depression. If you've had someone close to you die (or break up with you), you know how for a long time that new reality colours everything you think about or do. But then one day you find yourself smiling or humming a song, and you're surprised you've forgotten about your lost loved one for the moment ... and then the periods between thinking about them become longer, and one day you realize you can think about them without feeling stabbed to the heart.

In the same way, the MLCer has gradually increasing pockets of time where they don't feel miserable and trapped, where they can actually connect with others they shunned (children, family, later wife), and genuinely *see* them for who they are again. Because they've lost track of time (and have a fuzzy memory of being depressed), however, it's as though the intervening years haven't passed--my H was shocked by how old his kids were (even though he'd seen them regularly), and talked a LOT about the days we were first going out.

It takes quite a while for them to get to the point where they get used to being un-depressed, and able to look at and accept what they've done, forgive themselves, and put the entire MLC behind them.

I hope you and your girls have a wonderful weekend!

[kjensen]

Hi TF,
Overall doing OK. Work is fine, commute stinks, but I'm listening to some good stuff on CD from the library. Getting back to my interest in Buddhism/meditation(I am not meditating while driving though! ).

Life throws some curveballs peridocially, especially with H/divorce.

I took the initiative to separate our life insurance/disability insurance bills into separate accounts. We had some dividend surplus $(not much- $150) in our account that I really didn't notice and found out that our insurance guy sent a check to H for that amount. liquidating it..that was in our joint account(should have been split between us). I'd asked H about it awhile back when I found out he got some money from the insurance and he just flippantly said it was some surplus in the account and I asked the agent about it yesterday and he really just dodged the question...so I was pretty mad at H and the insurance agent(getting a different one) when I figured out what happened, last night.

Upset really about how my lack of knowledge had me in a powerless position-not understanding what I was dealing with right away and being able to "call" these fellows on their misdeed.

I felt I was trying to take back my power, take care of things, learn what I needed to and this stupid thing made me realize just how clueless about some things I still am. Just frustrating.

Will see H this weekend at some kid functions. Just when I think he might be making progress-reconnecting with kids, things occur which make me realize how so very far he has yet to go...He bought D12 a TSA lock for her Australia trip and was excited he got it in pink!-Her favorite color when she was 5, but least favorite color the last few years! The thing with the insurance seems just sneaky/not forthright and not like the man I know H used to be.

One day at a time. Looking forward to the weekend-some spring weather and maybe some catch-up sleep!


Thanks for the (simultaneous!) post Cyrena. It helps to understand what might happen down the road from someone who has been there. Just a really wacky psychological phenomena isn't it!
H still sees the kids (at least D12) as younger than she is..her wearing eye makeup(I'm not a big fan of this either-but thats not the battle I am choosing) really bothers him-alot....

[Grace_O]

Too bad that your agent is a jerk, but people tend to do what's easiest for them.

He may have been to focused on himself to notice that your D12 is getting older. Too bad about the pink lock, but he did make an effort to get her a lock.

I had to laugh about the eye make-up. That wasn't the hill I decided to die on with my D15. It has worked out ok and now she is quite good with different styles of make-up.

I hope you have a nice sleep-in this weekend. I'm hoping for some sun so I can do yard work.

HUGS

[kjensen]

HI Grace-
Hope you have some good weather your way as well! I am noticing that H is trying, in is own way, to help with the kids, periodically....

It is a change from the self-withdrawal earlier this year. He tries to go to D14's drumline competitions on the weekends, even if just for her high school's performance. I think he has an easier time and makes much more effort with D14, than D12-that is the part that makes me so sad.

D12, in many ways, is most like her father.

Well, off to paint the high school band room today(they are getting new carpet next week)! Then some time outside!

[lost1234]

KJ<

OP led me to you...hope you dont mind! my h has been being treated for low t since mid sept. 09 with androgel.
at his check up last week the dr prescribes elavil for him to sleep better. I know it will help with the sleep...however may is still help the depression? i am unsure of the dosage right now. he was open enough to tell me this, i didnt want to pry as it aggravates him.thank you for any help!

[are you kidding]

I talked to a couple of people who have gone thru a crisis themselves.

One was a pastor, who for yrs was testy, cranky, would lay for wks on the couch and thought everyone had the problem but him.

On a suggestion from a dr, he was tested and found out he had low testosterone, they gave him medicine and within a couple mo's, he said he came out of his midlife crisis. Everynow and then things get rough he says, but he and his wife have a new better relationship, then they did when he went mlc.

[kjensen]

Hi Lost,
Elavil(aka amitriptyline) is a pretty 'old' antidepressant in the family called tricyclic antidepressants(TCAs). This group of antidepressants work more on norepinephrine levels, rather than serotonin-which is what most of the newer antidepressants work on (prozac,paxil, celexa..etc). The side effects of the TCAs are drowsiness(hence it is used to help people sleep), dry mouth, urinary retention and blurred vision(causes us to hold fluids in like urine/tears)..

Since many people don't like those side effects, the TCAs aren't used as frequently for their antidepresant effects, but for helping with sleep, nerve pain, pain syndromes(fibromyalgia)...usually in pretty low doses (10mg and up). The dose for treating depression can vary widely per patient.

So, yes the elavil may help with your H's depression (as might the testosterone-since I think low testosterone levels can cause depression in men). For most any antidepressants to work, it takes about 3 weeks, on average, for the drug to effect the level of neurotransmitters(brain chemicals) to the point that will effect our mood.

Hope that helps!