flowmom | need to commit to myself

[DiamondGirl]

Hi Flowmom,

As you know my son is 13 and has Autism as well. I don't know where exactly your son falls on the spectrum in relation to mine, but I've realized something along the way about my son that I want to share with you...

They're not great with transitions, though.

I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but there is a tendency to overprotect our children with Autism from transition, because we know it is difficult for them. I realized when my son started elementary school that it was my job (IMO) to not necessarily protect him or change the speed of transitions, but more to facilitate his going through them.
For example, at the beginning, he clung to his EA (educational assistant) and did not want to have another working with him. I realized that in the world, as an adult, he would have to deal with different people daily, with all their differences (personality, looks, smells etc) and at some point be able to work with them spontaneously. So we started to rotate EA's with him. At first he resisted, but with visual schedule support, within 2 weeks he was fine with it. He learned that things change and you have to go with the flow (no pun intended ) Now he has learned to love it when he gets a substitute EA.. cuz he gets away with murder by pretending he can't do the things he regularly does with his usual teachers...

I guess my point is that as parents of special needs kids, our focus has to be on the future more so than with "normal" kids. To prepare them for what they may encounter when we aren't around to protect them or guide them. Growth comes from the unexpected sometimes, and I know our special kids need help handling the unexpected but not necessarily to be protected from it. The tools to handle the unexpected have to be taught with them, step by step, broken down (as I'm sure you know).

At this point, you don't know what will happen at the end of this journey, with your marriage. Your son may have to adjust to the fact that you will go away sometimes.. but will come back. That he may have to stay for long periods of time overnight at other people's homes... But wouldn't he if he were a "normal" kid having a sleepover weekend at a friend's house?

As for your H, he has high expectations perhaps because he hasn't had to deal with the reality enough to realize that he needs to lower them.

It's kind of difficult to do a gradual transition, because your son is aware that daddy isn't living at home anymore. It's already happened suddenly. After years of sleeping there, H isn't anymore.

So my question is, (and not meant in any way accusingly or negatively) is the gradual transition for his benefit or yours?