How to approach W about OM

[Allen A]

I would tell OMW on hte phone in front of your wife

"my wife and I have no secrets... anythign you want me to hear she is entitled to hear too"

OMW will be discreet enough not to say something damaging to you I am sure... not to worry.

[Allen A]

Tell OMW that your wife answers your phone sometimes and to not be afraid of your wife... OMW needs to understand the MORE OMW and YOUR wife talk, the less likely an affair is to happen.

Mabye that's not true, but I would LIKE to think communication there will buffer the excitement a bit...

[Allen A]

And the other truth dart you can throw at your wife if she says "it was jus ttalk"

YOU : If you were just talking, you wouldn't need to do it in secret AND you wouldn't need to LIE to me about where you were going...

Your wife likley wont have anything to respond to that

YOU : I will not lie to you about who I talk to, or who I am with, I will keep NO SECRETS from you.. you are my wife and deserve respect, not lies.

YOU : If it was just talk, I would'nt have OMW calling me. Someone got HURT.

[OfficerInNeed]

OK here is what just happened.

OMW calls while OM on the line. My W had me answer and put on speaker.

I told OMW that phone was on speaker and I wanted to keep nothing from my W. OMW spoke more to my W than me but express her feelings about the situation and under no circumstance does communication continue. I agreed and my wife said she understood. OM then got on the line and said all communication must stop, he got himself into some thing he did not intend to, that he was there to listen but did not realize my W had became so attached and for the sake of his marriage, his family and everyone involved insanity ALL communication must stop.

OMW got on the line again and spoke directly to my wife while still on speaker phone and said "You have a husband, I know you have your problems and you need to work on them with him, talk to him, not my husband and not any other male" My W just responded with words such as "understood" "I agree" and "I can take care of myself.

When we ended the call with the understanding and agreement ALL communication stops my W began to express her frustration with the way I treated her in the past and that I know she has trust issues and found someone she could speak to and finally get "10 years of pain out." I told her "I offered in the past and offer again, when can find a FT to talk to" She said "OK" I asked "want to go together or separate" she said "separate"

My W said she is sorry it was another male but I have to understand what I put her through. She started to laugh a little and said "If I don't laugh I will cry" I told her not to mask her feelings. My W then stood up and started to cry and said "I never knew talking to someone would create such an issue."

Now my wife has not showed such emotion to me other than anger in a long time. She then hugged me and cried. For 30 secs she hugged me and cried....then she pulled away and said "you know what I can hold it in, I held it in for 10 years I can continue to do so, I dont need anyone I've been by myself for 24 years and I guess I can live the rest of my life the same"

Now she seems to be against the FT thing and has shut everything out once again.

I realized this would go in bad cycle I then began to talk about our dog and brought the dog in the room and we joked and laughed about the puppy.

After we spoke briefly about the whole OM/OMW thing then went back into general convo and now she is in bed.

A lot to process where do I go from here....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tell your wife she is welcome to sit in on any of the calls you make to OMW.

Tell her you are not sharing any private details of your marital problems

Also tell her you are not hiding your contact from your wife or from OM... eveyrone knows you are making the call.

My guess is your calls are only five or ten mins long too arent' they...

Don't get defensive about her questions, its a FAIR quesiton to ask .. she wants to know what you're doin.. so tell her... no reason to hide anythign... you are protecting TWO marriages.. tha'ts something to e proud of, not something to hide or lie about.

Tell ehr she is mroe than welcome to sit in on the calls.

Wisdom. ^

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

A lot to process where do I go from here....

You let her live up to the commitment she just made to you and OM's wife, without rescuing.

Puppy

[Allen A]

YOu did well.

That my friend is PROGRESS... because you DIDN't PUSH her to talk to you... you waited for her to decide to tell you...

if you had cornered her and tried to DRAG that out of her you would have done damage. Because you gave her space she offered it to you.

OIN I really am getting tired of saying this.. but you have

GOT TO STOP TAKING WHAT SHE TELLS YOU SERIOUSLY..

She told you she would see a FT, so FIND one.. I told you days ago to start finding one.. do it.

I dont CARE if she said or gave you the impression she woudln't go... YOU GO

STOP ANALYZING her.. you are HANGING on EVERY DAMN EYE BLINK she makes... you are going to give yourself an ULCER

You know. I BET my HOUSE she can FEEL all this pressure from you watching every move she makes and worrying about it.. she likley feels SO MUCH PRESSURE AND SO DAMN CONTROLLED RIGHT NOW SHE WANTS TO SCREAM

YOU need to BACK OFF and LET HER BREATHE

STOP WORRYING about the NEGATIVE STUFF SHES DOING

JUST help her.

Every time she says or does something discouraging YOU panic.... SHE can SENSE that.. you are FEEDING HER NEGATIVE MOOD with your PANIC

I am NOT telling yuo to DANCE around teh HOSUE, but you NEED to BACK OFF and give her some positive energey.... don't say a word to her, but you need to relax

You are doing a FANTASTIC JOB dealing with this affair.. you got OM backing off and you aer right in there on that... I can't RAVE ENOUGH about how well you are putting that affair down... you are doing a MODEL job of that

BUT.. you need to back off your wife and stop getting worked up over her negative outbursts OK?

YOu need to CHILL OUT when she gets negative... you are MAKING HER STRESSED OUT I can FEEL IT FROM HERE

Back off of her, relax...

As soon as she said she would talk to a FT, you should have just said OK and left the room... but you DOVE RIGHT ON IT and asked if she wanted together or separate... AGAIN you are pursuing...

YOU did NOT need to know that right away... you should have backed up right away and let her breathe but you pounced on her because she sugested she would see a FT

You need to BACK OFF...

YOU need to see one FIRST and set an example, but you are in a HURRY to get HER in there... do NOT DO THAT

I have said this before and I will say it again... you CANNOT TRUST your FAMILY THERAPIST BLINDLY..

YOU need to go FIRST and interview them to make SURE they aren't going to RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE...

MANY FT's do DAMAGE rather than help

if you push your WIFE in there FIRST you are headed for TROUBLE

YOu are a COP, you should know better than pushign someone ELSE FIREST

YOU GO FIRST to make sure its SAFE

back off the wife, keep in contact with OMW so she feels safe and can work on her marriage and trust her H, and get to a FT... give your wife some space

If she talks, that's fine, but do NOT FOLLOW UP on EVERYTHING she says immediately.. you JUMPED on it right away... WHY

WHY did you NEED to know separate FT or together.. why did you have to push on that?

All you had to do was say "OK GREAT" and back off when she agreed to FT

You pushed her man.. you have GOT to STOP DOING THAT

MAN you are gonna drive your wife away smothering her... give her some space

if she wants a FT, you find her a good one, give her the biz card and then YOU let HER make her OWN appointments when SHE wants to do it... do NOT ORGANIZE teh whole thing

NOW.. she MAY ASK you to, THAT is fine, but you are getting too close here... ok?

Back up... give her some space.. let her breathe

[jasper67]

I agree w/ the above- you are doing a great job, remember there will be alot of uncertainty from here on out and most everything will be in her time, not yours.

This is your sitch to blow at this point...I am incredibly envious of you right now.

Do not press, pressure, etc...Remember Allens description of a loving/concerned father- she is fragile right now, any pressure (overt, covert, body language, tone, stares, etc.) will get her flighty...Just be and set a great example for calm, and confident, and security...


You're doing great, just finetune these things.

really happy for you

[OfficerInNeed]

I am having trouble finding a therapist in our area that have experience dealing with married couples. I don't want therapy destroy any opportunity of reconciliation. I read WMD on choosing the right kind of therapist and most in our area deal with depression and related subjects on individual basis.

From what I understand she just wants to vent, she is not looking for guidance she wants to get everything out since it has been bottled up for so long.

How do I help in the process of forgiveness with my wife? She is stuck in the past.

I am doing my best to follow guidance of the DR book and all the advice you all have shared in this thread. I am not pressuring her or doing things that would be considered pursuit.

- I am NOT saying ILY
- I am NOT talking about our R or M
- I am NOT talking about changes I made
- I am NOT forcing things on her
- I am NOT doing things like make her lunch or pick up after her, wash her cloths UNLESS she asks and when she does I happily do it.
- I do NOT make her feel that the was she feels is wrong
- I DO maintain a calm tone of voice and remain positive despite her negativity toward our M.

Today my W text me on her way home from work asking me if I would like her to stop and get a movie. I told her it was up to her, but then she said she would rather just go to the movies.

[Allen A]

Excellent OIN, good stuff...

If she would rather go to the movies then let her go... if she invites you, that's great too

Dn't look for a Individual Therapist, make sure it is a Registered Family THerapist or Coules Counsellor sometimes they are called

And yes it is hard to find a good one .. make sure it is NOT some quack psychologist who is just going to diagnose her with depression, give her some prescription, and send her on her way... you DO NOT want THAT

You have the right idea, keep on the lookout for a good one... feel free to post their background and credentials here if you want us to review for you

YOu may be able to get a DB COunsellor from MWD here at her site... they work over the PHONE, but if your wife doens't mind that then you could do that as well...