Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Piano]

Babydoll...today was not a great day here either. But your last post reminded me to remember the growing baby inside even during the worst of times. My psych gave me good advice two weeks ago - to start writing each day to her. A journal. Anything I wanted to say. I admit I've only done it once, but it re-centred my focus on her, and less on my husband.

You wrote: "H agree to go to Co-Parenting counseling last week, i basically told him I have a really hard time being around him and cant figure out how I am supposed to let him in the baby's life. I can not forgive him for not wanting to go to marriage therapy with me to work on us. And I will always Hate him for this. Dont think I could ever forgive him for the pain he is putting me through.". I could have written this myself - word for word.

"H thinks we should remain "best friends" ; he seems very unaware of the severity of the situation." Ditto! I struggle constantly with what is the best way to 'wake' him up to the reality of how much he is hurting me. But I don't think they want to know about our pain right now. It annoys my H.

"Some think he will not wake up until the baby is born." Yes, many people do say that. My psych says don't be so sure. But it still seems to me a pivitol moment, for sure.

"H wants to be a hand on father, and i have to figure how to stand my ground on this and how to co-parent this little boy. and to cover things like, will I feel better or worse if he is in the delivery? when the baby comes home? how do we do this together?". Massive questions. Again, with you on that. Maybe counselling will be useful in getting him to define what he thinks "hands on" means to him. My H thinks it's enough to 'love the child' - can't articulate yet how that translates in practical terms. Probably takes many sessions to find out what terms you can both agree to, a shared view of how co-parenting can work. I think it would be good not to expect too much from the first session. I was very confronted in my first one this week, so it's good you wait until you are in a rested frame of mind. Not something to rush into. Some advice perhaps for when it does happen - be wary of being pushed into saying things you don't want to say. If asked a direct question that throws you, it's better to say "I need to think about that" than say something for the sake of filling the silence. As for the delivery - aslo not sure what to do myself. My feeling is you need to feel extremely safe and secure to have a positive birth experience. But closer to the time, you'll be able to judge that better.

"I have not spoken to him for almost a week, as of right now, which is huge for me. Hope i can keep this up. It hurts, i still get really upset, but when we dont talk, there is no arguing or blank answers and i dont feel any worse." Yes, my experience also - it doesn't stop the hurt, but perhaps does stop added turmoil.

I am really interested to know how your counseling goes together, when you do book that appointment, and how the counselor manages/handles the session... I don't mean to alarm, but have read a lot on the web about how counseling can go wrong. It's probably best to have low expectations. I am sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. I have wondered in the wake of my session this week about it - because it's 'co-parenting counseling', as opposed to marriage counseling, you may feel, like I did, that your needs and wants about the marriage surving are put to the side (to be expected, I guess?). I found that quite brutal. It's easier for the guys - because they have already emotionally detached.

My question with regards to my own situation today still remains: NC or a bit of positive contact (which would include birth classes, therapy appointments, and that's about it). My guess is no contact is more effective at shaking my H up. I even think it would be fine to do away with the birth classes - they are more important for you and whoever your support person is most likely to be. Who is that going to be for you?

My thoughts are with you.

[Babydoll]

Piano... I have to tell you one of the reasons I am scared of the Coparenting sessions is because I feel like it is me accepting that this is over and I am okay with him leaving me and still want him to be involved with the baby. We dreamed our lives togetehr and having kids for 12 years... this is the exact opposite of what we wanted. My therapist thinks I should make the appointment anyways, for 3 or so weeks from now. She said the fact that he has mentioned it to several people even up until a few days ago, is at least promising that he wants to be involved as the father. She also said that any good therapist would probably not bring up me or him getting back together or what our issues are for at least 3 or 4 sessions, as they dont want to push him or pressure him for an answer bc then he may feel attacked and that I am using this as an excuse for us to seek counseling together. There is a great group here in philadelphia called Council for Relationships, and several therapists and my OB doctors speak highly of them and say they are the best around for mending relationships, not making marriages work, but at least helping us find a common ground. I am also scared bc i know when we do sit in front of someone together and she asks why we cant get along, I will be honest and say because he broke my heart and I love him and do I say I want to work things out with him? or do I act aloof and confident as if I am happy with the decision like DB says I should. I feel the latter of the two will make him feel at ease that I do not want anything from him either... believe me I have my moments where I truly dont believe I could ever take him back. My therapist made a good point, and that is that if nothing else, i am no worse off than I am now. At least we can figure out what "raising the baby together" or "coparenting" means. She also mentioned that if I say I am hurt and cant trust him etc. that the Counselour may suggest to him, unless you come clean about why you left, and if there is anyone else in your life, this will never work. Maybe they can serve as a mediator, although they primarily try to mend marriages first.

I share your concerns... does he come to birthing classes? delivery? His sister is having her first baby a month before I am due, and her family is hosting a baby shower for her... My family wants to have one for me... but in all this I do not find that it would make me happy at all. I feel like he took so much away from me... the planning, enjoying the pregnancy...
we should be talking about names, and birthing classes, and you are right... shouldnt the person who will be supporting you that day be with you? For me it will probably be my mom. Makes me so sad... to top it off he is a Nurse anesthetist and when he worked a clinical rotation in school in the OB delivery room, he was the person who inserted the epidurals in the PG women... he should've been the one there for me...

Part of me wishes he would contact me and say, I wanted to know if you set up an appointment yet to see someone together? or are you going to parenting classes, i'd like to go? He says this to our families and friends, but what about me? I dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

I do keep several journals... i have one specifically to the baby with all positive things! and another with booster notes from DR and DB and so many quotes, and then I have the ugly one... lets just keep it at ugly.

will keep you posted on the co-parenting counseling... they say its a positive start... not sure about what... but i do know that I do not want to scream and cry and lunge ar him around the baby... i dont want to get post pardom depression or anything negative around the baby. He hears me and feels my crying enough.

I am here for you... i understand your pain...

[Piano]

Babydoll, I am also scared of coparenting sessions for the same reason. It's like formal acceptance of the situation and saying that you're Ok with it all. So I think it's okay to say at some point "I'm not happy about this and did not chose this". It's really hard to stop saying "I love you" - there are perhaps other words that he will be more receptive to at the moment?

I think if you want to go head with counseling, then you have only to put the offer out there. But don't follow it up. Let him make the decision to come or not. Actions speak louder than words. My H's current speech is the "I love this child". And my response is, "And how, in the past 2 months, since my 3-4th month of pregnancy (when he told me he wanted out), have you demonstrated your love for this child?".

My mum is also going to be my birth partner. I have also hired an independent midwife who was my hypnobirthing teacher (I did classes over Jan/Feb). H didn't want to come, so my mum did. It was sad...I wanted to be sharing this with H, but mum was enthusiatic & these classes helped me with relaxation, I learnt alot about the power of the body and the baby to do to acheive birth, and to look forward to a positive birth. I did wonder what the other couples thought of me being there with my mum, but they never made me feel uncomfortable.

I have asked a friend of mine to organise a baby shower for me. I'm not looking forward to it, but I need practical assistance and so we're organising a registry. Not something I would ever normally do. But unusual solutions, for unusual circumstances.

Thanks for the tip on journalling..3 seperate ones is a good idea.

You sound very strong & I encourage you to keep it up. Keep in touch with your essential values. I was stronger in the beginning, though with advancing pregancy I feel you just get a little more worn out. Plus I am also losing hope about him ever coming back as time goes by, so that's probably adding to it. I still can't imagine doing this, or not having my life, without him.

I hope my question doesn't hurt too much, but are you still living in your own place and plan to stay there in case the worst happens and your H doesn't come home?

[Forrest Gump]

Take a look at the post's from Blindsided1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1743585

[Jstar]

When I first got seperated with h i was 4months pregnant, high risk pregnancy, 3rd repeat c section, ect ect, caring for 2.5 yr old and maintaining my house.

At first i was debating if i would allow h in delievery room, then as time passed and resentment grew for him being a ghost not helping, same question Piano asked, where is he showing me love for this child while in me growing.

yes the pregnancy will get more difficult especially if you have other children and work. it's great you have your mom to help and be there, unfortunately mine passed aweay afew years ago otherwise it would have been there.

stupidly or i don't know, the day before surgery i started having contractions so i had to be admitted earlier to stop them and surgery moved up a day. while i was in pain i wanted h to see how much pain i was in physically, i called him told him to come. it was extremely difficult to remain calm and not be angry but since i was hospitalized for a week he stayed the whole time and glad he was there sort of for the birth.

I say sort of, since the months of our seperation i planned on my niece being there for me and i let them two decide at the last moment who should b ein with me, she however was extremely hurt and has implemented tough love on me for allowing h in delivery.

we came home from hospital he stayed and next day he flaked out leaving me till 8 pm with no help food or anything, i was upset. he took off again, came back took off and in all my anger in hurt stuck some of his crap on the curb, which he is holding a grudge against me about. not that leaving me alone for 10 hrs meant anything to him.

you do not need to decide now if you will allow him in the delievery, i figured i was not going to let him due to my anger and the birth could never be redone.

where are we now? he's so angry at me, claims to hate me, there are decisions that have to be made, me going back to work, if he's going to monetarily support me kids to be at home or put kids in daycare, etc. also he hasn't been to visit with kids since sunday. saturday he's going to watch son 12 days old while i do soccer with d2.5.

our interactions are not frequent and i can not even speak to him on the phone.

i also felt ambilivalent about a shower, and i let my work have a very small celebration which did mean a tremendous amount to me, so good to hear you will have one.

i know how you feel being in classes with your mom and rest are like happy little families with this glorious birth going to take place and makes you feel crappy and then angry.

i get that all the time where ever i am, when i was pregnant doing family things with just d2.5 and my big huge stomach just the 3 of us. the holidays were interesting in that respect of me and d2.5 going to eat xmas eve at a resteraunt.

people may not even be thinking anything, they may be so tied up in their lives to not even pay attention, just remember why you are there and screw him if he can't step up.

it is extremely difficult to have yourself think or believe or not count on him coming home, i know that is in the back of my head and fantasy i guess.

[Babydoll]

In the last session with my therapist, she asked if I made the counseling appointment for H and I to go together. I immediately said No, I was having a bad week, and I too felt like he shouldve made the appointment and take some initiative to want a part of the baby's life. She said I was acting on anger rather than what makes the most sense. Ideally, this baby is both of ours, so yes we do need to learn how to co-parent, like it or not. Will I suck all the pain and hurt in order to give my child both parents in his life, even if its unconventional? Yes. Will I like it? NO. Does it meanI will ever stop loving him? No. In the beginning of this I threatened to go the custody route, etc. and that he would never see his child. He asked I do not go through the custody battle, because it would not be good for an infant. He still thinks we are BFF. You know what... I hate him for what he is doing, and he will have a fair opportunity to be a father, and if he fails, at least I know, and can someday tell my son, it tried. I can not imagine handing over a small infant on weekends to sleep out. H asked if he should move in when the baby is born, I said absolutely not! We only live together as H and W not friends or roomies.

My therapist suggested I make the appt. for co-parenting counseling for several weeks from now. I still havent done it. H wants to go, little strange. The therapist said at the very least, H and I will be in a room with a counselor and will be able to talk and discuss what we now make constant arguments out of. She made really good points about needing this mediator to explain to him, what he did and how he hurt me, etc. also for his to maybe communicate clearly and let me understand why he left, and that the new counselor may help us on our relationship, whatever it may be. The therapist also mentioned, while not wanting to give me false hope, but maybe this is a foot in the door to seeking counseling together. The place she refered me to is Pro-Relationship, so she does believe at one point, several sessions in, a good counselor will pull him aside and ask what his real reasons are for this separation, and she will be able to see if there is something to help him or even us. he does go to counseling on his own. She said I should go in a be honest, and tell them I am hurt and dont know how I can co-parent with someone who I love and promised my life too and now he left and we have a baby to raise. Its okay that i show how I truly feel. She said a marriage therapist will try to see beyond the topical issues and getting the two of us in a room with therapy together, no matter what the initial reason is, may be our life saver. She thinks him wanting to go to co-parenting counseling may be a small part of him that is scared and wants things to work out between us but he may be scared. We also talked about the fact that this may be a reality for me to understand that he is really never coming back.

She left me with three words that I repeat to myself everytime I get down... "Trust The Process". I asked so many questions about therapy, about DB and DR, and our individual therapists and why his hasnt slapped him upside his head yet etc. She said she wouldnt approach a patient and ask him anything until they have had several sessions and felt she has their trust, but if his therapist asked him why he left and nagged him, eventually he would never go back...

I dont know... I have hope some minutes and compete doubt others... When I think of who he was and how we loved each other and how we wanted to get pregnant and so on, and how excited we both were, I think he will find the love again.

For me the issue if bazaar. The first time I noticed my H act strange was the night we told all of our family and friends we were expecting. That day he was smiling ear to ear, happier than i have ever seen him. That night he met with a friend, who too was having marital problems and separated at the time from his wife, and said that night he shared with his friend that we have issue too, that our marriage is not perfect, since his friend held a ruler of measure to our relationship. Could he be scared of the baby and being a father? His personality changed overnight. I thought of everything... is he on drugs, is he scared... is he in love with someone else, is he depressed? He left a week later, I basically approached him and asked if he was not happy what was he doing with me, and he left. His parents opened their home to him (huge mistage) and I live at home. Most of his belonging are there and he doesnt seem to have any intentions to move out? Last we spoke, as its now been 10 days (huge for me) he wanted to clear out our "baby room" so that we can measure for baby furniture etc. I told him not go to the house... we argued, mainly I yelled and asked for answers...big no no and now he will text my mom if he needs anything from the house, like his mail etc.

regardless of why he left, his personality did a complete 360 and I am truly worried about him as a person. He is somewhat depressed and not himslef, and yes after knowing his closely for 16 years, I am confident in knowing that much. I do think he has male depression, and whether he is with someone else or whatever, I do know this is not him. Makes me so sad. But I finally undersdtand that what ever it is he is going through, no I can not be the one to help him or save him.

Not sure I will ever know what any of this mess is...
Only thing I do know is that I have to Trust the Process.

[Piano]

Babydoll - I am sorry to not reply to you sooner (I have had to work really nutty hours) but I promise to respond more fully asap. Didn't want you to think I/we aren't here for you. I hear everything you are saying... My advice for now, keep detatching for the time-being..and keep journaling to your little boy to make him the centre of your world as much as possible & let your H whip up his mess to one side. If you are offered temporary respite from the anger/confusion/pain, take it. I sense how strong you really are. But now give yourself a break, just for a bit anyway.

[Babydoll]

Thanks Piano... I am finding stregnth in anything, everything and anyone i can, especially this baby boy!

I've decided to work on me... and make this a learning experience whether he comes back or not... im not perfect, but i would like to be a better person...

[Babydoll]

I was served with divorce papers last night.

he said I wanted this too, and me not speaking to him for the past two weeks was because i was moving on and knew i wanted closure from him. i know he is trying so badly to turn things around on me... not working this time.

im shocked, stunned, speachless, and saddened...
i had no choice when he left but to watch him walk away.

the fight it over.

Good luck to all of you. Will keep you in my prayers... dont give up... True love never fails...

[Piano]

WHAT????????????????

Okay, hang in there. We need some pros to pitch in here.

Don't go yet.

HUGE hugs